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Contrary to the naysayers who no doubt told them they were "too young", or whatever, they are still together.
In fact, all I've ever seen demonstrated for me by my parents was the paragon of health and happiness in a relationship.
And like I alluded to in a previous newsletter a few weeks ago, sometimes I need to take the "advice" I get from my parents and other family members with a grain of salt. Heck, give me the whole shaker.
Because here's the deal: Dating after a divorce happens is a whole different ball game than what happens in high school, college, or wherever else you are before the first time you walk down the aisle (at whatever age that happens). You don't need me to tell you.
But have you ever stopped to consider WHY that is? I mean, why is it that people who are happily married for years can't relate to what dating after divorce is like?
And, more importantly, how come things are so, um...different...when one starts dating again as a mature adult after some time "away from the scene"?
Well, it's all about what I call the "Divorce 50/50 factor". I'll spell it out for you.
Let's face it. A marriage between two good, healthy people doesn't result in divorce that often, does it? Maybe you can think of an exception. Or two. But definitely not more than you have fingers on one hand, right?
Right.
Because divorce is difficult on people it is therefore typically the result of someone irreparably betraying the relationship in some way.
You don't see couples calling it quits because they "just don't feel like being together anymore". Not often.
Typically it takes violence, habitual disrespect, substance abuse, considerable infidelity, tragic mental illness or the like to bring about the divorce.
Simply put, when divorce happens someone has just not been a very nice person. He or she hasn't kept his or her end of the commitment.
So, consider for a brief moment that you are divorced (which for some of us isn't difficult). Short of some miraculous "amicable" parting as allowed for above in rare instances, there are only two sides of the table you can be on when that divorce happens:
1) The Aggressor
You blew it. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back showed up no thanks to you, and if it was the kind you drink out of, well...you sucked.
The running around, cocaine habit, drunken fits and/or whatever else that was not co-habitable is now a dark secret that you absolutely MUST hide from anyone else you are going to date...especially if you ever expect to be married again someday.
This is, of course, unless you are willing to end up with someone with utterly zero self-confidence. Nice.
2) The Victim
The pain may influence caution at best and outright distrust at worst when considering future relationships.
So what this all adds up to is a state of affairs that makes the landscape dramatically different than what it was when we were all much younger and busy sizing up the fresh dating pool around us.
At BEST, only 50% of divorced people can possibly be "innocent victims" done wrong by a bad, untrustworthy ex-spouse.
That means at LEAST 50% of divorced people were "aggressors".
Oh, and please don't think I am about to sway the odds of fitting one or the other persona toward either gender. Stop dreaming.
And here's more: the number of purely "innocent victims" is in actuality considerable smaller.
Why? Because there is nothing stopping two "aggressor" types from getting married and making each other miserable, is there? These marriages end also, leaving both ex-spouses back into the dating "field".
And wait a minute...even if one ex-spouse is purely a "victim" rather than "aggressor", haven't we talked recently about that "poverty mentality" that considering oneself a "victim" potentially brings?
Yeah, well, that's not a healthy way to enter a future relationship either.
Worse, if both ex-spouses were "aggressors", that typically means that BOTH are also "victims". Complete with finger-pointing and utter denial.
And if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're thinking that last paragraph was scary.
So what if you are divorced like I am?
Are we dating fellow divorced people? Well, why wouldn't we? We can relate to one another MUCH better than those who seem to have all the "advice", even often at the single parent level
But at least we've shed some light here on why even more second marriages fail than first marriages..
You don't want yours to be one of them.
With that in mind, if we're divorced and dating again we have to ask ourselves hard questions.
1) Was I an "aggressor"? If so, was it a simple mistake or a habitual pattern that MUST be corrected in order for me to contribute to a successful relationship in the future? If a simple mistake, can a future spouse forgive me for that past history more than my ex-spouse was able to? If a habitual pattern, can I own up and get it handled--forever?
2) Was I a "victim"? If so, do I see myself being abused as such over and over? Can I ever trust someone again? Do I know how to recognize the traits of an aggressor and not settle for someone who potentially will cause history to repeat itself?
3) Do I know how to get down to the bottom of which category (or both) the new person I am dating is in? Or WAS in? What kind of skill does that take? How finely tuned a B.S. detector do I have to have here? Am I confident that whichever category it is my new friend has things handled at this point so it's past tense? If s/he is still struggling, am I settling?
Hint: When it comes down to brass tacks, 99.9% of your divorced dates will position themselves as having been the "victim".
4) What are reasonable expectations for a couple to have when both are considering marrying a second time? What is the difference between having "been around the block" a few times and/or having been to the "school of hard knocks" vs. carrying truly destructive, deal-breaker traits? Can you recognize these?
Hint: It has nothing to do with what is hard to hear about the past...and everything with how the future would potentially play out.
I know I've had to ask myself these sorts of things on a daily basis.
I tried following some people's advice to find a nice, smart, attractive mid-twentysomething who didn't have any "baggage" (whatever that means, right?).
I wasn't happy.
Hey, I liked being able to relate to whom I'm dating. So this means dating a woman who has been divorced and is a single parent was a good thing for me...and that's who I married the second time around.
But you know by now that I am about deserving what you want in a relationship, which means I see the importance of handling the issues that being divorced brings.
And you're darn skippy sure I've considered long and hard how to learn how to appreciate a woman who has done the same. How about you?
Do you have any question? Leave your comment below and I will reply.