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Especially on first dates.
"So, do you think this date is going well?"
"Can you picture yourself going out on a second date with me?"
"Do you think I look like my pictures?"
Those questions telegraph desperation and are sure to cause a woman to second-guess your masculine confidence in a big way.
But assuming you can indeed summon the inner discipline to refrain from asking such lame, needy questions on first dates (which I'll be the first to admit we're all usually dying to know the answers to), when is the "magic moment" when it becomes okay to actually find out what she's thinking?
And how do you go about doing so?
I'm referring, of course, to the brand of advice that suggests you should NEVER really ask. Rather, you look for subjective "signals".
Such sage wisdom typically comes in the form of, "Look dude, if she SHOWS UP for the second date, you can already tell she likes you."
Or, "If she lets you kiss her, she's obviously sexually attracted to you."
Etcetera, etcetera and so forth.
And don't get me wrong, I've given such advice myself and it's altogether valid.
But lately I've been giving more thought to this matter, especially in light of having been faced with the question on several coaching calls lately.
Shouldn't we as men have the right to know as much as we can about what any particular woman we're seeing is thinking and feeling toward us...and in some objective way?
The answer is a resounding YES.
I mean, we'd want to be empowered with as much info as we could get regarding any other important factor in our lives, wouldn't we?
So what's the key to getting the information we want, all in the name of not only satisfying personal curiosity but making solid relationship decisions as well?
After all, it makes no sense to guess your way into an exclusive relationship, right?
I'm not going to keep you in suspense. The key is simply this: leadership.
The reason why our approval-seeking questions appear so lame to women is because we surrender all power to them to say "yes" or "no" about us.
This is complicated even further when we are impatient enough to ask her what she thinks of us way, way too early on.
Further, we've been told time and again in the world of men's dating advice NOT to compliment women. In fact, most of the time we're warned against projecting ANY kind of approval toward her at all.
So basically, we're all left operating under the premise that we shouldn't be telling HER that we like her, and that we shouldn't be asking about what she thinks of US either.
We remain 100% passive all around. We do not LEAD.
How are we supposed to get anywhere that way?
Well, let's face it: Most dating advice is geared toward newbies. It's a fact.
As such, since most guys who have minimal skills with women DO tend to act desperate around them, job #1 is to "stop the bleeding".
But at some point, we've got to take the Pampers off.
If you want to find out the information you need to make an informed decision about a woman--including what she thinks of you--you've GOT to start the conversation.
The way to do this is with a very basic announcement of approval that doesn't "spill all the beans" in one statement OR pre-approve her unconditionally.
In other words, "OMG...you are the most beautiful woman I've ever dreamed of, I can't believe you'd actually want to go out with me and I'd die if you ever left me" is NOT what I'm talking about here.
Instead, on a second date--when it's clear that she is actually charming you so effectively on purpose--try pausing, smiling, and saying simply, "You know, I like you."
At that point, you're on even footing with her. The proverbial cat is out of the bag.
AND, you're in a leadership position as far as the conversation goes, aren't you?
This means that you can express something more specific about what you like about her next, and she'll probably continue to do the same.
And even if she doesn't do so in the moment, but rather simply says "thank you", something very important has happened: You've set the precedent for expressing very frankly what the two of you like about each other.
This means that she may come out with what she likes about YOU unexpectedly in the future.
But make no mistake, it was your leadership that made this happen.
The most amazing aspect of all this though, is simply this: The precedent has not only been set for finding out what the two of you appreciate about each other, the die has been cast in terms of honesty in general.
One of the very first ways we're dishonest with people we're dating, in my opinion, is by trying to conceal our feelings of attraction and favor toward the other person at the beginning stages of dating.
Ridiculous, isn't it? But yes, that's setting the tone for the entire relationship going forward.
So when compliments are hidden, criticisms are most certainly kept undercover also.
Ultimately, we end up having no idea what's "real" when in a relationship with someone, mostly because WE as men set it up to be that way.
Welcome to why "I love you" is a throwaway phrase.
And on the flip side, welcome to why we can't seem to tell a woman that a certain pair of jeans doesn't exactly flatter her when asked, at least without fear of our lives be made into a living hell for a few days afterward.
Of course we can't. There has never been any firm establishment that compliments are honest, so why should any criticism be seen as constructive or coming from a place of genuine concern either?
Indeed. Leading a relationship in a way that makes it okay to tell each other exactly what you think of each other all around is not only a good thing, it's necessary.
So apart from the second date, where else can you find opportune moments to deepen each other's knowledge of what you really think and feel for each other?
Well, when you decide to go exclusive with a woman is another great time for this.
After all, the main point is pretty much on the table anyway. When you enter into a steady relationship with a woman, you're announcing in no uncertain terms that you are choosing her to the exclusion of all other women.
And assuming you are coming from a position of abundance rather than desperation, this is quite meaningful to the woman.
So yes, go ahead and tell her WHY you've chosen her.
And when she agrees to be your girlfriend, guess what? You can assume that she also has gladly chosen you.
With that in mind, why not talk then and there--in the "afterglow" of the moment--about WHY you've chosen each other and what you're looking forward to in your relationship together?
Bear in mind I'm NOT talking about gushing about all the unreasonable expectations you have and/or lapsing into worshiping her rather than appreciating her.
Just keep it light, but objective.
You may even go back in time and tell her the "secret" of exactly when you knew you wanted her to be your girlfriend. Since you didn't lose composure at the time, telling her now will be viewed by her as strength rather than weakness.
It all makes perfect sense when you put it all together.
Another golden opportunity to find out what she's thinking about you is during the heat of passion.
If you find your sexual interaction together is intensely pleasing to her, you may whisper in her ear something like, "I've wanted this since the first time I ever saw you."
It's 100% guaranteed that this will turn her on. Women love to feel sexy, and once sexual surrender takes place the more security you can give her the better.
And again, just like when you first told her that you like her, you MAY not get "immediate gratification" in the moment beyond a fleeting expression of delight.
But make no mistake about it: You will again have set a crucial precedent--and she will feel free to be honest about how you make her feel sexually.
Finally, this conversation would be incomplete without some mention of how to know what happened when you've screwed up, particularly so that you don't repeat past mistakes in the future.
Back when I worked in the IT world, whenever I lost a bid to another company I made a phone call.
I called the person who had evaluated the bids and I openly asked what we could have done differently to win the bid. I usually got tremendous insight into how to build future bids that were all but bulletproof, which gave us a major advantage going forward.
If a woman breaks up with you, it's "game over". Instead of begging her to come back (and thereby perpetuating your sense of loss), why not simply gather yourself and ask her point blank where things went wrong?
For sure, if the break up was a messy one, you may have already received some "unsolicited" answers. But if, on the other hand, you're ever left hanging after a split because she was "trying to be nice", man up and find out what you need to know.
That way you'll at least have more of the "big picture" in place with regard to what NOT to do next time around. And that's worth its weight in gold.
Do you have any question? Leave your comment below and I will reply.