Should You Tell Current Girlfriends About Past Mistakes?

Somewhere there's a "dark corner" of your past that you'd prefer nobody found out about. You'd love to keep it secret from just about everyone you know, and maybe even forget about it yourself...as if it never even happened.

Under normal, day-to-day circumstances we typically find it pretty easy to keep our mouths shut.

We don't go volunteering information about our prison record and/or our former heroin addiction to hiring managers during job interviews, do we? We simply hope that a background check isn't part of the hiring process.

But oddly, it seems like a switch gets flipped on inside of us when we find ourselves attracted to a woman who actually likes us as much as we like her.

We suddenly come down with a smokin' case of "diarrhea of the mouth".

Sounds gross, doesn't it? Well the reality is even uglier than the mental picture.

Simply stated, there's something about meeting a woman we're crazy about that makes us want to bare our soul early and often, blurting out stuff that she has no business hearing about just yet.

What in the world is up with that?

I once coached a guy whose girlfriend had just tested positive for HIV. They had been having lots of unprotected sex of the riskiest possible kind, so he was understandably freaked out.

He tested negative, and then waited out the excruciatingly long six months to find out whether or not he was still in the clear.

Indeed, there continued to be good news. Even after nine months the tests still returned nothing.

The doctors informed him that he was completely out of the woods. There was zero chance medically that he had been infected by his ex-girlfriend.

So he came to me, not with a question but with a statement. "Don't worry, Scot. I'll be sure to man-up and tell every woman I ever date from now on what happened. I'm sure they'd want to know up front."

My response was direct and immediate. "On behalf of every woman you ever date, I'd really encourage you NOT to do that."

He was utterly nonplussed by what I had just said.

But looking at it from a third-party perspective, I can't for the life of me see why any human being--man or woman--would want that bomb dropped on them...particularly when there's no good reason for it other then to flip them the heck out.

"There's ZERO chance you've been infected by your ex-girlfriend", I said, "so why burden your next girlfriend with so much as the URGE to second-guess the medical profession? All you'd be doing is confronting her with potential worry over something that there's no logical, scientific reason to be concerned about."

Relieved, he saw where I was coming from and proceeded accordingly.

Other guys I've talked to have felt compelled to talk about old strip club habits, medical conditions and getting beaten up by the school bully in 7th grade.

Obviously, it almost never ends well. There's seldom a joyful response from a woman to the effect of, "Really? You used to get beaten up by bullies? Well, so did I...so I've finally met a man who understands me!"

Awkward.

So what's a guy to do?

Well, let's get down to "brass tacks" as we say here in Texas. If you are indeed the type of guy who feels compelled to "fess up" to every peccadillo from your past to women you as yet barely know, it's probably all due to the raging sense of guilt.

Don't get me wrong, here. If you've currently got stuff going on in your life that you honestly believe would disqualify you from deserving what you want, then do what it takes to rid yourself of those chains.

Meanwhile, if you feel the urge to lie about anything happening in your life, resist it. If and when the subject comes up, you'll need to come clean.

For example, if you're currently "between jobs" or are a "closet smoker", you've got to own it.

Next, if there are past mistakes you've survived and bad habits you've already broken, it's time to buckle down and forgive yourself. You are NOT that guy anymore, so it makes no sense to keep introducing him to women when you first meet them.

Now, I'm not going to assert a foolishly naive viewpoint here. I fully get that if and when you begin to see yourself in a long-term exclusive relationship with a woman there are probably things she might need to know.

I'm hardly recommending that you become "Don Draper, Jr." here and hide preposterous facts from a woman that could potentially affect her life someday.

She'll probably need to find out about that felony you spent a few nights in jail over, that bankruptcy you filed a couple of years ago and/or what's in your medical records.

But it doesn't have to happen on the first freaking date...or the second. Wait until you understand yourselves to be mutually compatible, THEN decide what, if any, hard truths she needs to know.

You don't keep it under your hat for a longer time than you should, but you definitely bring it up when it's obvious you need to.

I'm not even going to discount the option of eventually admitting you've slept with a prostitute, got fired from your first six jobs, and/or any other hard things for a woman to hear that don't actually have any real, objective consequence nowadays.

It's fine to be the kind of guy who doesn't keep anything from his wife someday...all in good time.

I'm not going to argue against that, especially if you have friends who have dirt on you and might disclose it to your wife someday on their own.

But that said, Emily and I personally have never felt the need to share anything negative about our pasts that wasn't imminently necessary to talk about, and we get along just fine.

For us, caring enough not to put one another through any unnecessary traumatic mental images trumps "full disclosure".

But if you sense that you'll simply have to tell your future wife every lurid detail of what went on years ago, I do have a strong suggestion. Be absolutely, positively sure to screen every potential girlfriend for how well she'd take the truth when she finds out about it.

For example, if she's got very strong feelings about ever getting intimate with any guy who'd sleep with a prostitute, you need to face up to the fact that you're not her guy. Period. You made your bed and now must sleep in it, if you'll pardon the bad pun.

Watching one movie together where that theme comes up will tell you what you need to know. If her opinion on the matter doesn't make itself obvious, you can lead by simply stating, "I wonder what women think when a guy has been with a prostitute before."

Obviously, a similar strategy can be applied no matter what the "sticky" circumstance is.

Hey guys, I understand that what we've covered today is a flat-out difficult and altogether unpleasant subject. In the end, you'll need to let your conscience be the guide.

That said, I do trust I've given you the building blocks of forgiving yourself and going as easy as you can on your future girlfriends.

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Should You Tell Current Girlfriends About Past Mistakes?

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Should You Tell Current Girlfriends About Past Mistakes?

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