Everyone is familiar with the term "high maintenance". And it appears to carry a connotation that most of us do not want to be associated with personally.

But have you ever noticed how difficult it is to be on the same wavelength as someone else when discussing it?

Here's what I mean.

Girl calls Boy (for the sixteenth time this morning) and opens with, "Um...I was wondering...what should I have for a mid-morning snack? Have you eaten anything this morning?"

Boy responds with, "Wow, girlie. You are high maintenance."

Girl responds with, "Me? High maintenance? I am not!"

Boy naturally comes back with, "Hahaha. YES you ARE. And I've really got to get back to work now, okay?"

They hang up, and Girl wonders how she can possibly be anything close to "high maintenance". After all, she hasn't had a pedicure in weeks.

So what happened there? Why the disconnect? The answer is disarmingly simple.

"High maintenance" is far from a generic term that is easily defined. Having thought about it, I'm convinced that each individual person might have a completely different mental picture of what it looks like.

The good news, however, is I believe that the term is not entirely nebulous, but rather one with multiple-definitions. Each is rather clear when considered separately. Here we go:


1) Material High Maintenance

This is the woman (or man?) who has expensive tastes and wants it all. She has the Tiffany catalog open on the Web while watching the Home Shopping Network.

She really likes that little Mercedes convertible that just came out...or was it the BMW? Whatever it is, white with tan interior works.

Doggie purses. 200 pairs of shoes. You get the picture.

This is not necessarily gender-specific, but the female stereotype seems to be a much clearer one.


2) Physical High Maintenance

This person spends a lot of time on physical health, appearance, etc.

If a woman, she always has a manicure and a pedicure. She also has a tanning salon membership.

If a guy, call the dude "metrosexual".

Whatever the gender, we are talking about lots of time in the gym. You can also bet this person is going to take longer than you will to get ready in the morning...maybe A LOT longer.


3) Emotional High Maintenance

This is a person who needs a large amount of "connection". A phone call every ten minutes might be in order here just to let you know he or she was "thinking about you".

Lots of reassurance is required that he or she is still loved. Such a person might very well come off as needy or clingy.


4) Operational High Maintenance

Do you know someone who always needs help with something? If this person is involved with something, chances are someone else is also. It could be anything.

This particular example can present itself in the workplace as easily as in personal relationships. This stuff isn't necessarily meant to be manipulative; we're just talking about someone who tends to depend on others for help/input an awful lot.


5) Sexual High Maintenance

When the other partner just can't possibly keep up, someone who has an unusually high, virtually insatiable sex drive could be viewed as "high maintenance". This also applies to wanting constant physical affection, backrubs, etc.


OK, if you have ever met any of the above, give me a virtual thumbs up.

From now on, when this topic comes up you should be able to frame it appropriately and get the point across.

By the way, while reading the examples, did you figure out that "high maintenance" is not necessarily a bad thing? Relationships work for different reasons, of course, and if both partners are in sync about "maintenance levels" then there isn't a problem.

For example, a woman may be high maintenance materially. If her man has the financial means and loves to lavish his woman with expensive stuff (and this can be justified in his mind a number of ways) then there is no issue.

This will be especially true if the woman is genuinely appreciative and doesn't develop an entitlement mentality (future newsletter there).

I can also assure you that lots of people appreciate someone who is high maintenance physically. The important thing here is to realize the time and expense that must be invested to pull that off. There's a balance.

Further, some couples equally enjoy affirming each other in the emotional sense. If that's what they like, and neither is annoyed by the amount of time required, it works.

The operational type won't be obnoxious if he or she is the type who typically (always?) reciprocates by being generous with time and efforts to others.

And if you ever find yourself in a relationship with the sexually high maintenance person, that may be a clear case of "be careful what you wish for, because it just might happen".

What did I miss? Leave it in the comments.