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But having thought about it, I'm pretty sure it's all due to the fact that there are three different factors that tend to influence the discussion, at least from our perspective as guys.
Complicating matters is that each is only loosely associated to the others, at best:
1) We have no idea what women really want anymore
In light of so many women wanting to come off as "independent" in today's society, would they actually be offended if we offer to pay? Or are they more offended if we don't? It seems like a "lose/lose" scenario.
2) We really detest the dreaded "gold digger" types
We've been coached by some alleged experts to never pay a woman's way on a date...ever. After all, if we open up our wallets we simultaneously open the door to "gold diggers".
So basically, we're taught that unless you want to become some chick's "walking ATM machine" you'd better make sure she pays her own way...always, no questions asked.
3) We have this thing for taking women on dates that cost money
We're so firmly entrenched in the "dinner and a movie" meme that we don't even consider that there are ways to completely avoid this whole awkward mess that occurs when the check comes.
Notice that I didn't include "we're cheap" into that list of factors.
But whatever tends to go through our minds when planning dates and when confronted with the resulting bill, one thing's for sure: This has all become WAY more complicated than it ever had to be.
That's right...I said it.
The whole matter of "who pays" when a man and a woman get together should be very simple to figure out.
Here it is: Whoever invited the other to join him or her should pay the bill, unless some other arrangement is agreed upon ahead of time.
I mean, think about it. This concept transcends the narrow sub-niche of "dating" and covers just about any type of human social interaction at any level, doesn't it?
When you get there he puts a cold one in your hand and you watch the fight.
At the end, he says, "Yeah, uh...that'll be $32.99 for the event and $6.99 for the brewskis. Thanks for covering this one, man."
He's got to be kidding, right?
Nobody should invite you somewhere and then blindside you with the bill for the whole thing at the end. Ever.
So what makes us think we should invite a woman out to some national chain restaurant on a first date for a "nice dinner", only to pause and see if she picks up the check at the end?
And here's a better question. Why do we think she's a "gold digger" if she doesn't?
I hear one of you asking now. "But Scot, shouldn't you just split the check?"
That's a fair question.
Let's answer it based on two different scenarios.
First, if you're still thinking you need to take a woman out somewhere "fancy" (read: "ludicrously expensive") on a first date, then sticking her with half the bill is really just as much of a slippery slope as sticking her with the whole thing.
After all, it wasn't HER idea to go there if you invited her. She straight-up might not be able to afford her half.
Don't laugh...this scenario really happens.
I've heard of more situations where the guy asked the waiter to split the check on "shock and awe" dates than I have fingers to count them with.
If you're still falling for the trap of trying to "impress" a woman by taking her somewhere expensive, then you're going to need to follow through with paying the bill for your (probably wasted) effort...and you'll need to pay the whole bill.
OK, so how about a completely different scenario where you just met a woman for coffee or a quick breakfast? Should you split the check then?
Let me answer the question by asking another question: What would you do if you were out with a friend or two?
Would you seriously get separate checks or would one of you just pick that one up, and somebody else can get it next time?
Unless you and your friends are all uptight cheapskates, it would be the latter.
Now, never mind the fact that if YOU suggested that a woman meet you at Starbucks you should pay the ten lousy bucks for two coffees. (After all, the one who invites is the one who pays, right?)
Think of it this way instead. How dorky are both of you going to feel standing there in line making "small talk" while paying for your separate coffees?
Why do anything to create awkwardness when you're meeting a woman for the first time...or for the fiftieth time, for that matter?
Keep it clean and neat. Drop the ten bucks, for Pete's sake.
Otherwise, besides creating unnecessary awkwardness you really do come off as a man who lacks the ability to handle a situation effectively.
The fact that you don't exactly seem like a man who knows how to be a "provider" just adds insult to injury.
Remember, just because women are hard-wired to be attracted to a man who is a provider doesn't mean they're money-hungry.
So as you pay for her coffee or breakfast, it's not really fair to think of her as a potential "gold digger". She may very well have been willing to pay her share.
The point is that by picking up the tab yourself you made sure it didn't even become an issue to begin with, and that sends a masculine message.
It's important also to remember that a woman is also NOT a "gold digger" if she simply accepts your invitation somewhere and allows you to pay the bill.
It is what it is: you invited her, and she decided to join you. It's really just a social situation like unto any other.
Whoever invites should be the one who pays. So it follows logically that if you don't want to PAY for anything, invite her somewhere that doesn't cost anything.
That's a "no brainer" if there ever was one.
And make no mistake, you don't have to pay to have a good time getting to know a woman. Be creative. Think outside the "dinner and a movie" box.
First, I'm not going to pretend there aren't any "gold diggers" out there at all.
If a woman makes strong suggestions that you take her somewhere expensive (let alone take her on a "shopping date"), drop her like a bad habit and run away.
Trust your instincts there.
Similarly, be careful not to fall into the trap of legitimately starting off at an inexpensive coffee shop, only to have the woman say something like, "My blood sugar is dropping, let's go to dinner after this. I'm craving [insert moderately expensive restaurant name here]."
Should you agree to that, you can expect to pay the bill at the restaurant also. She'll tell you she didn't bring any money because you invited her...which is really only half true at that point.
Be the man. Be the one who sets the flow for dates you invite women on. If it's meant to be a brief coffee date, stick to the plan.
If she plays the "I'm hungry" card then finish your coffee, tell her you wish her well and free her up to go get something to eat herself.
(By the way, are you beginning to see the "hidden" reason here why picking up a woman for a date and asking her where she wants to go is such a brutal mistake?)
Here's what it all comes down to, guys. Taking women out should be fun. Why turn it into an "us vs. them" situation?
Keep your plans low-key and don't quibble over spending a small amount of cash if need be.
In turn, you do indeed have every right to guard yourself against manipulative or self-centered women, even as you expect to meet high quality ones.
And a high-quality woman will not only say "thank you" in appreciation for your generous invitation, she may also invite YOU out once she feels attracted to you and safe in your presence.
For example, she may say, "This was fun. Next time I want to take you to MY favorite place...my treat."
That's not only a great sign that she "gets it", it's also a solid indicator that you've met a truly terrific woman.
And when she follows through, absolutely do let her have the joy of treating you. She'll appreciate that you know how to receive such a gift from her without a fight.
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments below!