I have trouble making friends which leads to unwise relationship choices

[bdog]

I am a middle aged divorced man. My hobby is building custom cars. You'd think this hobby would be conducive to making friends, but it doesn't for me. I have a job with other adults my age, including a couple single guys. I hang out with this one guy from work, but I'm always the one suggesting we hang out. I have a couple other friendships with a similar dynamic.

I am alone most evenings. I always wonder, what do other single people my age do with their time? I think others have a higher tolerance for being alone. As a result of this situation, I tend to make irresponsible decisions about relationships. I am actually fairly successful at attracting women (on balance compared to other guys in my demographic). I'm not saying I can have any girl I want at any time, not at all. But I do tend to date girls who are 15-25 years younger than me. I look pretty young for my age.

I find that in friendships I will never have anyone who cares about me and thinks about what I'm doing when s/he isn't with me. This would include my Mom and my young adult daughter who doesn't live with me. But in a romantic relationship, I have someone who does think about me and, after a while, sort of knows where I am and what I'm doing. Without that and my job, I could probably die and no one would know for a week or so.

If you are anywhere near my age and single, how do you navigate friendships? Do you hang out with friends much? What do you do with your time when you're not chasing members of the opposite sex?

[Brett]

I was like you in the past, and so didn't really have friends. One thing I know was the reason for not having friends is because I tend to hold offense against people. For instance, if a friend of mine does something that offends me, I will be hurt and would never forgive him / her. So, I'll eventually breakup the friendship, and this left me with no friends around me.

However, later on in my life, I learnt not to hold anything against anyone. So, if someone offends me, I easily forgive and accept them person back. This way, I was able to have lots of friends. If this is the case with you right now like I was in the past, then you need to change your personality to attract more friends.

This is just my personal experience about life.

[Anthony]

One of the all time books on making friends is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Though this book was originally published in the 1930's it holds timeless principles that we can continue to learn from and utilize today. Some would call these principles old fashioned and not relevant in today's social media world, however that could not be further from the truth.

So what is the secret to creating friendships in today's ever growing high tech social environment? Surprisingly the same as they were when Dale Carnegie's book was first published. Here are some things to think about and apply as you are creating successful friendships.

Listen Intently

A sure way to not create friends is to not listen or pay attention to anything they say. The number one way to start building relationships with other people is to be interested in what they are saying. Really listen to what the person is saying; don't just think about the next thing you are going to say.

Smile

This step is harder for some of us than others; however smiling is an important piece in quickly creating friendships. No one wants to make friends with someone who seems like they are gloomy or depressed. So make it a point to be enthusiastic and to smile!

Let them do 80% of the talking

This may seem like it should have been listed under listening intently, however most of us want to start talking about and telling our stories the first chance we get. Encourage your new friend to talk about themselves and see how quickly you will win a new friend.

Ask questions

Be sure to ask questions that will help you get to know your new friend. It is OK to start out with small talk and work your way up. Conversations rarely start out with the deep subjects, but as you continue to listen to them opportunities will appear where you can take the conversation to the next level.

Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Especially with your new friends even as much as you want to you must avoid any temptation to criticize, condemn or complain. This doesn't just mean about them, this means about anything! Remember to keep a good attitude and keep the conversation upbeat and positive.

Avoid Arguments

Again as with the last step, especially with new friends, avoid this like the plague. No one wins an argument! If you feel like you did win the argument you probably did so in losing a friend. A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still. If you want to keep friends and maintain successful friendships than avoid arguments at all cost!

I hope this sheds some insight into the importance of creating and maintaining friendships. I also hope this dispels the myth that we can depend on social media and internet marketing to do all the work for us and not have to use the principles here in order build lasting relationships.

I encourage you to read How to Win Friends and Influence People, in fact don't just read it study it! If we can learn the art of friendship and create those friendships not just for our own selfish personal gain but real lasting friendships than they will be cherished more than their weight in gold.

[bdog]

Thank you so much, Anthony. I really appreciate the help. But now I'm going to sound ungrateful and obstinate, because I buy into all of your major points. In fact, I was a member of a church singles group in which I got talked to by the pastor leader because I ask too many questions! People are interesting, and I already know a lot about myself, so why not find out about others? In fact, I would say in attracting a female, which admittedly is not the topic of this thread, males who talk about themselves a great deal are more successful than those who don't. I think this behavior helps lead females to perceive one as confident, powerful and strong.

I think there are things about me that don't appeal to others. I think I think too much. I analyse and overthink. So I continue to fool around with girls half my age, when I can, because I am not alone when I'm with one of them.

Thank you Brett. I don't think I can relate to this. I don't hold a grudge and I don't get angry with other people too often, especially females. I always strive to see the other person's point of view. I get angry at myself a lot, and occasionally at inanimate objects, like my welder or air compressor when I'm building a car!

I also think I have higher expectations for friendship than other single middle aged men. I talked to a colleague about this a few days ago. He has a live in GF and little kids. I asked him what he would be doing at night if he didn't have them. He said he would go back on the bottle and drink all night after work. So maybe I'm not doing too badly! I hung out with a different work buddy tonight and I'm seeing someone for breakfast tomorrow. But then I'm scared about next week because I don't have any plans...