What Do Women Really Think About Sex?

[Gray]

I went out for coffee with a girl on Tuesday. And well we had a great IM session last night. We talked about a lot of stuff. I told her that I am interested meeting again but I am not looking for a steady girlfriend and that I am seeing other girls.

She was totally on the same page (she's not looking for a steady boyfriend either... lol). So far she seems like a potentially high quality girl.

She has admitted she made some poor choices in the past. She's responsible and does what she says she is going to do. So I'm waiting to see how this plays out.

My concern is, before we go on our first date, I want to know what she thinks about sex. I am not interested in having sex with her on the first date. I just want to know where she stands.

Would it be better to have that conversation in person, over the phone, or IMing? Just to clarify, the reason I want to find out is not so I can bang her as soon as possible but if we are real hot for each other I want to respect her position if she has decided to wait.

I would rather have that decision made in a stable mind set as opposed to a "in the heat of the moment" decision.

Or if we are making out and things start progressing that way should I just slow it down and suggest we talk about it first? (I just thought of that now)

Or maybe it could be something we talk about during the date? As you can tell I'm all over the map here. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Richard]

Hello Gray:

That's a great, thought-provoking question, and one I believe a lot of high-quality guys deal with in one form or another

So it deserves a well thought-out answer.

First, the easy part of that answer. I think if you brought it up out of the blue instead of in context, she'd likely think that you were trying to see if she's game.

And that would feel to her like you're trying to "get something off her" like back in seventh grade. So I wouldn't directly initiate a conversation like that.

In fact, for the first date or two here the main point is to see whether or not the two of you even get along. That's job one.

Despite what you may have heard elsewhere, a man with options realizes that going after the "close" on first dates is a lousy strategy.

The better investment is to spend those first hours together enjoying each other's company and testing the rapport.

Importantly, even as far as sex is concerned you are using that time to interpret what sex with her would even be like, and if it's what you really want--not simply from an attraction perspective but from a social one also.

For example, is she likely to become emotionally attached quickly?

Is she a "drama queen"?

Ask any guy who has bedded a number of women very quickly in his day and he'll tell you. Sometimes the fallout isn't worth the getoff.

But all of that said, my honest feeling regarding getting a read on her attitudes and beliefs about sex are that she'll let you know without having to ask.

Now, importantly, what I'm suggesting here does NOT involve passivity on your part.

You aren't just sitting there with your hands folded like "Mr. Nice Guy" waiting for her to someday tell you she's horny out of the blue.

Rather, you are actively listening for clues as to what she's thinking or even subjectively suggesting. These may be verbal OR non-verbal.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters, women are usually fairly wise to how guys operate. Having been on a few dates in her time, the woman you've just met is likely well-aware that lots of men are pre-wired to be ready for sex early and often in a relationship.

As such, she has learned to present herself in a manner that sends the right message to the guy she's with (whatever that message is to her)...quite possibly without having to come right out and say anything.

So then, apart from the idea of telegraphing that you're perhaps sex-focused, asking directly for her verbal opinions might actually be counterproductive in other ways.

When you come right out and ask what a woman's attitudes are about sex, she MAY tell you that she's very conservative and to keep your hands off.

But what she's REALLY saying is, "I'm protecting myself from getting used for sex, so I'm telling you to 'forgetaboutit' as a test to see if you'll stick around and remain interested in me as a human being."

And, as a man of high quality, you'll respect her opinion on that and keep your hands off, probably.

Here's the irony, though.

Once she is fully comfortable with you, and once you've successfully ignited her femininity as a masculine man, women tend to change their course very quickly.

In fact, I've seen women talk conservatively about sex at first, and then offer very clear (or even flat-out overt) "take me" signals sometime thereafter. Sometimes on the same date.

Go figure.

But, as a guy, having talked about it and heard her words, you may cross her signals or even miss them altogether when she demonstrates such sexual willingness later.

So in such a case as that, having verbalized the concept may actually cause you to mess up later...when it really counts.

Because see, here's the thing. Women are human beings who have their own free will and who can make their own decisions.

And yes, they are to be respected as being responsible for their own decisions.

So, the secret here is to watch her actions versus asking for her opinions. That's basically a major "chick whispering" tenet, there. One of the cornerstones, actually.

Reject any feminist notion you've heard before. If a woman willingly decides to be physical with you, it's because she wanted to.

It's such an obvious statement, but yet so many guys have been brainwashed to believe that if a woman has sex with them it's necessarily because he "manipulated" or "tricked" the poor, weak-willed little creature into it.

I'm calling B.S. on that.

Not all sex is a result of "manipulation" or "trickery".

In fact, I'd argue that very little of it is. Ergo, why I harp so much on why PUA tactics built on such things are to be avoided.

And as for feminists, I fail to understand why they would position women as having so little personal power. I mean, just to make it easier to blame men?

None of it makes any sense.

So sure, trickery and manipulation are signs of low character.

But more to the point, it really doesn't work...any more than "hard sell" tactics at a used-car dealership work on YOU.

All women--including the one you are seeing--are very human and very able to make adult decisions, notwithstanding some debilitating condition (like cessation of breathing).

So enjoy getting to know her for now.

Understand that she wants to know you will protect her good reputation even as you take a real interest in her.

That includes not judging her for being a sexual woman once she is vulnerable to let you catch a glimpse. Man, is THAT ever an area where we shoot ourselves in the foot.

And rest-assured that when you've done the right things as a man, you can trust that her signals that she is ready to get frisky with you are very real and to be acted on accordingly. This is regardless of whatever she says when you first meet her, or soon thereafter

The only caveats are these.

First, if a woman expresses very strong moral convictions against sex before marriage, and you subsequently get her so hot that she's ready to forsake those convictions, you would do well to put on the brakes for HER conscience's sake.

Remember, women follow your lead, and taking such a stand under those circumstances would amaze her.

But even if you don't put on the brakes there, the decision to go for it with you is still ultimately hers.

Second, some women have such low-self-esteem that they throw themselves sexually at guys they don't even really want so much.

If she lacks passion or is even flat-out distraught about getting physical with you, that could be what's going on.

Yes, it's still HER choice if she willingly puts herself in that compromising position. But don't cheapen yourself by allowing it to happen.

Overall, man, I think the simple fact that you think in such an evolved way about the issue you are writing about demonstrates that you are going to have no problems.

Relax and have fun. Women are going to love you.

[Gray]

That was a good advice Richard, thank you!