What To Do When She Seems Interested But Won't Go Out With You

[Bill]

I've got talking to a waitress at a cafe/bar I often go to. It's a really chill place...she chuckles at my jokes, we get on fine. However she's really pretty and I'm sure lots of guys like her.

Yesterday I asked her out and she didn't want to. Instead she said come back to the café anytime.

Finally I did. After I paid I took her to a quiet part of the cafe and we chatted a little and again she seemed receptive. I asked for her number twice and she said she didn't give out her number.

Then she said all this stuff about her job and exams and not having time for friends...

So what should I do? She's not interested in a way but we do get on fine. Do I chalk this up to experience? Or keep persisting? I read somewhere girls want to see how persistent a man can be.

The interesting thing is that even when she was saying 'no' she was standing there still, without the urge to get back to her work. I mean, she was still facing me and in fact it was me who ended the interaction, THEN she went back to work.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

[Scot]

Hello Bill:

Having read your story, I have to first say that I can't give a 100% certain answer without seeing the body language, knowing the exact context of the conversations, etc.

But taking your description of what's going on at face value, no doubt she is receptive to you and possibly even romantically interested. YET...she doesn't want to spend time with you 1-on-1 or give you her phone number.

Were she putting you off a bit more, I'd be able to give an easy answer that she was flat-out uninterested. But this situation is particularly curious, isn't it?

She's resistant to exactly those things that clearly state "romantic interest" in the objective sense. (e.g. going on dates, giving out her phone number) YET...she's willing to hang out with you, take time out while working, talk to you, laugh at your jokes, etc.)

You may conclude she's been hurt in the past and is really shy about dating again. That may in fact be possible, but I think it's a long shot.

Based on experience, my guess is that she would have said something to that effect were that true, especially since it's an easy excuse.

So, let's take a quick inventory here:


1) She won't go out on a "date" with you

2) She won't give you her phone number

3) She likes to hang out with you in controlled situations, shows personal interest, laughs at your jokes

4) She pretty much leaves you hanging as far as exact "real-world" details are concerned.


Well, let me assure you that I don't think she's flaky, crazy or weird.

Maybe she's just bored...but I doubt that also.

I strongly suspect she has a boyfriend.

And I think she's wondering if she likes you better.

So this is her way of being "faithful" to her boyfriend, even as she's allowing herself the indulgence of interacting with you in a special way that falls just short of feeling like cheating to her.

This is a very common pattern in women, especially younger women who haven't developed the maturity to see beyond their own grey

area and consider how their boyfriends might feel genuinely disrespected by their actions.

In her mind, talking to you for extended periods when she should be working instead, laughing at your jokes and even inviting you back to see her are "platonic".

But hanging out with you 1-on-1? Giving you her "digits"? Well, that's clearly crossing over into the territory of "romantic intentions" as she sees it.

The next time you see her, why not tell it like it is? In

other words, just throw it on the table.

Bear in mind that she will likely never volunteer the information. Why? Because deep down in her conscience, she realizes that your vision of "grey area" may indeed be different than hers.

Basically, she knows she's pushing the envelope, and dreads being spanked for it by a guy like you, who she values.

It's all kind of a crazy psychological game, isn't it?

So as a man, you must not allow yourself to be subject to that. Instead, you've got to lead by bringing clarity to the scenario.

Tell her something to the effect of, "Hey look. I know you like my company, but anyone can tell that something is holding you back. I want you to know that I understand you probably have a boyfriend, and since that's the case I shouldn't cause you any more confusion."

Note that I didn't say, "Hey, you have a boyfriend. You should lose the zero and get with the hero."

That would come off as pushy and controlling, and likely compel her to defend her boyfriend. Besides, that's a bad line from an even worse Vanilla Ice movie.

Ironically, taking that approach would probably cause her to actually feel more favor toward him and less toward you in the moment.

If you really want things to work in your favor here, you should demonstrate that you are all about decreasing turmoil in her life and increasing peace and security.

You are likely already presenting yourself as a confident, masculine man, or she wouldn't be as interested as she is.

So talking like this will increase her intrigue, and therefore her interest.

Notably, consider that I also didn't recommend saying you "wouldn't bother her anymore", or anything else that demonstrates a low level of confidence. Your statement is based purely on principle, and demonstrates high level of character.

You guessed it...character is the fourth (and rarest) of the "big

four" factors that compel women to want a man.

And wait until you hear what she's likely to say in response to your forthrightness.

My guess is that the truth will start flowing.

She *may* even admit to you she has doubts about her boyfriend, which she probably does.

Otherwise, her "grey area" with regard to what constitutes platonic interaction wouldn't have offered such an open invitation to a guy like you.

Women who are thrilled with their boyfriends tend to naturally avoid the "grey area" drama I've been describing here. Go figure.

Remember though, as she sees it she really has been trying not to

give the appearance of anything that would seem like cheating to her.

She isn't trying to be shady. She wants to consider herself "faithful" to her boyfriend.

But you came along and complicated matters for her...which is certainly not your fault or anything.

Then, you led by calling her to a higher level of personal

accountability...even as you demonstrated outrageously attractive traits she hadn't even discovered in you yet.

So, when you get right down to it, her boyfriend would probably rather be in your position than the one HE'S in, don't you think?

Think, talk and execute confidently and smoothly. It is never incumbent upon you to "dumb down" your naturally attractive persona.

You are the man with nothing to lose here. And she is the woman with everything to gain.

In other words, you are going to do the right thing without compromise, all the while increasing attraction.

The likelihood is that you will ultimately end up able to hang out with her n a "non-platonic" way. Probably sooner than later, I might add.

[Bill]

Scot, thank you for your advice.

[Michael]

This is going to sound weird, but hang in there with me for a minute.

I've always loved "extreme" sports like surfing, BMX racing, motorcycle roadracing, snowboarding and the like.

I love the adrenaline rush...as long as it's a sport where I'm reasonably in control of my destiny (or at least can tell myself that with a straight face).

I've gone bungee jumping, but stuff like that and skydiving aren't as interesting to me as racing and surfing.

Somehow it's more of a thrill to be at the controls, with the potential "wipeout" being caused by my own lapse in skill, as opposed to, say, the chute not deploying.

Weirdly, that's probably why my second favorite job of all time (next to this one, of course) was delivering pizza back in my college days.

Those were the days of "fresh, hot pizza delivered directly to your door in a half hour or less or it's free."

If I didn't get to the target destination in under 30 minutes, everything was a total loss. What a rush...every time I jumped into my Suzuki Samurai and went for it!

And the later at night it got, the bigger of a rush it became. I usually was the last driver on the clock at 2am.

I was so into it that I became my boss's "go to" guy whenever there was a delivery ready that was in danger of being late.

I know...I was the biggest dork. But hey, I made great money for a college kid, and time FLEW during my shifts.

Fast forward years later and I discovered online dating.

Man...it was the SAME rush all over again.

Except this time there wasn't any danger of drowning, road rash or even dropping pizzas face down on some guy's front lawn.

I could experience the rush without leaving my computer...sitting there in my boxer shorts!

So what was so exciting?

It was TWO major factors, really.

First, every day new women were signing up. And I knew that the HOTTEST ones wouldn't be there very long. He who acted fast--and acted BEST--would get those top-shelf women.

And if I was good enough--and quick enough--I might actually get ALL of them.

That feeling of victory over literally every other unknown, unseen stiff out there was as addictive as heroin.

BUT...it got even better.

The even BIGGER rush was "rolling the dice" on a first meeting and feeling the sweet anticipation of meeting a woman for the first time.

Would she be disappointing, having misrepresented herself badly?

Or would I hit the freaking jackpot...her being light years beyond my expectations?

During the several years I worked at mastering online dating, I got better and better at weeding out the wrong women before ever meeting them.

But still...first meetings were a game of chance with stakes that no Vega$ casino could match.

I LOVED it. In fact, the disappointments only made the "jackpots" that much sweeter.

It is my firmly held belief that my outlook toward online dating as an "extreme sport" played a massive role in my success at it.

Can you look at online dating as an adrenaline rush instead of a frustrating chore? Can your "go for it" attitude make as big a difference for you as it did for me?

Will you boldly go for the newest, hottest women as soon as they appear? And can you psych yourself up for the excitement of potentially "hitting the jackpot" (or not) when you meet them?