Should You Listen To Her Words Or Watch Her Actions?

[Barry]

I have a specific case that I'd like to have your advice on and I'll try to make it short. I've known a girl in my workplace for about 4 years. We flirted in the past and we used to go together for coffee and drinks.

I can say there is attraction from both sides. However, we didn't have "real dates" and she dated other guys during the last period and was in a relationship until recently.

Two weeks ago we went out for a drink after work. The conversation had a lot of sexual tension. She was very excited and interactive. At the same time she indicated that she wants to be friends although none of her behaviour indicated the same.

And when we were leaving and everyone was supposed to go in a different way, she asked me, "what do you have now, where are you headed"?

I totally messed up here. I didn't get it as a signal that she wanted to go with me. She even got closer to me as she was giving me a goodbye kiss but instead I kissed her on her cheek.

Honestly I only realized that I messed up a few minutes later. And I think the reason for that is what she said about "she wants to be friends" which made me subconsciously behave like that.

Did I miss anything here? Can I fix this?

I read [elsewhere] that women have a short attraction window. If a guy "fails to deploy", the woman would lose interest. I actually could see how she was disappointed when we left.

I didn't see her since then because I travelled and now I am back. What is the best way to deal with this? I appreciate your advise.


Thank you.

[Scot]

First of all, let's be sure to address this bit: "I read [elsewhere] that women have a short attraction window."

Honestly, I have no idea where you guys get some of this stuff, but it's from people who have no idea what women are like.

Seriously, if you were to take a look, you'd note that an incredibly high percentage of women's dating advice is about how to get ONE guy who they're crazy about to "stop messing up" and/or stop sending mixed messages.

The bottom line is that women are no different than we are as men in this respect. If they're attracted, there's really no stopping them...unless you totally creep or freak them out somehow.

On the other hand, if they're NOT attracted, there's really no starting them, if you get my drift.

In the real world, if a woman adores you but your response to her seems indifferent, she's likely to become utterly obsessed with you.

She'll be unable to get you out of her mind. You'd seriously have to do something that's honkin' gross in order to sway her feelings in the other direction.

And if she doesn't feel attraction for you? Then that "window" was never really open. At best, she was being pleasantly tolerant during any interaction she's had with you.

Fortunately for you, your scenario is the former rather than the latter.

So what's going on here is that this woman is indeed attracted to you.

And yes, she's sending some of those cute, adorable subtle signals that women tend to send when they're not quite sure you're so into them yet and they don't want to end up embarrassing themselves.

You know, those under-the-radar hints ("Where are you headed now?") punctuated by clearer statements indicating that they fully realize nothing's really going on between the two of you yet.

Really, it's all just a "dance".

She is following your leadership, even though your intentions are either indiscernible to her and/or she's frustrated because you're slower than a Yugo with a broken gearbox.

Therefore she's verbally going along with what's apparently to her your "just friends" plan, even though her more subjective (and they're barely so at this point) signals are virtually screaming for you to make a bold move, for once.

If you were to make that bold move, my edumckayted guess is that she'd respond to you with more enthusiasm than a Porsche 911 with a particularly sound gearbox.

All that's left is to make sure that's what you really want.

That's right. I said it.

After all, this dinking around with her has already gone on for four years, boyfriend or no boyfriend.

You mentioned "sub-conscious behavior" that's contrary to moving things forward romantically.

And geez, man...you even gave the poor girl "the cheek".

It's time to come to grips with the fact that the idea of a non-platonic relationship with this woman might not actually appeal to you, if you dig deep into your conscience and are honest with yourself.

For starters, if by "in your workplace" you mean that you're on the same boss man's payroll, then you've got the always formidable "pen in the company ink" problem to consider.

And then there's the simple fact that she went on "not real dates" with you while she had a boyfriend. Is there a sneaking suspicion in the back of your mind that she's not trustworthy?

Were you to get into a relationship with her would she get a little flirty with other "not real" boyfriends when you're not around?

I can tell from your letter that you really already know where you've "failed to deploy" thus far.

Yet you did it anyway.

So yes...the real question here is one that only YOU can answer: What ARE your intentions? What do you really WANT?

The good news is you are indeed the chooser in this situation, which is always the right frame of mind.