How To Have Confidence When Calling Women

[Rob]

Here's the thing, I've got this annoying little inner critic in my head (yes I'm listening to voices but it ain't like that).

Every time I attempt to do something productive with a woman (call her, ask her out, try to make a move, etc.) the voice starts yapping at me, "You're gonna blow it. She's too good for you." etc. You know, that kind of negative thinking.

When it goes well (which it usually does) I don't hear this voice.

Nevertheless, I always feel everything must be right before I try to make that call, move, etc.

If you can understand my question, here it is: Is there a way to shut this voice up before you make that call? And if there isn't, how can I mask it to where the woman I'm calling doesn't know because if she likes me I feel like she'll be a little on guard too.

But I have to keep in mind (and it isn't easy) that even when Ted Williams hit .406 he still failed almost 60% of the time and that season is considered the best offensive season in baseball history.

[Clay]

I think all of this boils down to the danger of unfairly idealizing women.

I'm not talking in the honorable or chivalrous sense but rather flat-out idealizing them as if they're better and/or more evolved than you simply because they are attractive and female.

But women actually feel the same way we do on many levels, and suffer from common human imperfection...even the hottest of them.

The problem is that when the "halo effect" of attraction takes hold, you likely don't figure this out until much later--after you get to know them some.

I'll never forget the time I met a woman online who came to my house the first time I ever met her. When she walked through the door I thought I had literally hit the jackpot.

It was all I could do to contain myself at the time, but I suppose I must have managed because I ended up seeing her again...and again.

But as we started to hang out together more, she turned out to have an amazing case of low self-esteem and began talking with increasing frequency about not deserving a great relationship.

She began apologizing for everything. She was wondering aloud if I could possibly like her and think of her as attractive, etc.

When I first met this woman I would never have guessed that she would expect ANY man to reject her, regardless of who he was.

But eventually, to be quite honest, her feeling of personal inadequacy proved so severe that it's what caused me to end the relationship with her.

Thinking about it, it was very much a self-fulfilling prophecy for her.

So yes...when you encounter a woman that the "voice" is telling you there's no chance with, she could actually be perceiving YOU as "too good to be true"--maybe even potentially the greatest thing that's ever happened to her.

But if you "fail to deploy" YOU deny her that chance, don't you?

Now on the other hand, I don't want to give you a pep talk only to have you come face-to-face with harsh reality.

It's very true you must become at peace with several potential reasons why women may not respond to you in the way you'd like at times. It's unreasonable to expect that every interaction with every woman will meet your every need at all times.

Yet, if you are a man who deserves what he wants, this is never any reason for personal alarm.

Let's see. She may not be in a positive frame of mind at the moment you call her...so she gets snippy with you.

There's never any excuse for being less than personable with people who mean you no harm, but it happens nonetheless. Maybe you dodged the proverbial bullet there, but either way it's not a "you" issue.

Or, if her mindset is similar to that of the woman in the example I gave, she may have a nagging belief that she would disappoint you and therefore get hurt, so she just avoids going out with you at all.

This never fails to leave a guy thinking it's his own problem. But nothing could be further from the truth.

You may very well be disappointed by a particular woman's reaction at times, but the truth of the matter is that there are plenty of people who will disappoint you more and more even after you get to know them--mind-blowing hotties being a non-exception.

Knowing all of this, remain focused on the simple fact that women will tend to respond powerfully to your leadership as a man.

Were you to call her with a tentative, sheepish demeanor she'll indeed pick up on that as you've suggested, and perhaps respond in kind. You can try to "mask" it, but it's ALWAYS better simply to do away with it entirely.

If thinking about Ted Williams hasn't helped so far, try thinking about the very real factors I've shared with you. Besides, it's too early in the relationship to have to "think about baseball", right?

Ultimately, if you put aside any concern over rejection or any other possible outcome that's not favorable to you, there's all the more chance she WILL in fact respond favorably to you after all. And it will be that real confidence that gives you the edge.

And that's the kind of confidence those pills you see on TV can't ever give you, right? After all, if you don't have confidence when your trousers are on, then you're starting from the wrong place to begin with.

[Shirley]

In order to get confident, you need to start interacting with women more often, more deeply. It's not as hard as you might think; here are some easy ways to meet women and develop your social skills with them:

1. Go to Dance Classes

Learning to dance at a dance class is the easiest way I know to meet women. If you've never learned to dance, this is your big chance. Women love guys who can dance, and if that alone wasn't enough motivation, it also gives you exercise, sheds weight, keeps you active, helps you meet people, and is great fun all at the same time.

Pick a dance style based on the music you like, since you'll be hearing a lot of it. If you like Rock & Roll music, go to a Rock & Roll dance class. If you like Latin music, check out a Salsa class. If you like modern chart toppers, hit a Ceroc or Modern Jive class. If swing is your thing, hit a Swing dance class. Whatever you like, there's a style out there to suit you.

Partner dancing will boost your confidence more quickly than solo styles such as Hip-Hop, Jazz or Funk, but the odd class in those will help your other dance styles too. It doesn't really matter what style you choose, so long as you get out there and do it. Give yourself enough time to get the hang of it; it may feel uncomfortable at first while you're learning, but it gets more fun as you get more competent. Don't give up or skip this just because you feel you have two left feet; we've all got that at the beginning. Persist and you'll get great rewards out of this one.

So do a Google search for "dance classes" in your area, pick a partner style and turn up. Even better is to enroll in an 8 or 10 week course, or buy a multi-class pass to help keep you motivated to keep going back. If you're single, this also is the easiest way to meet fit, attractive women.

2. Take a Female Friend to the Supermarket

Guys, often we have the idea that a "date" should be tremendously romantic, as though we can swoon a woman into falling for us. Romance is important down the track, but initially the most important thing is simply that a woman feels comfortable around us. If we can organise that, then romantic feelings can develop down the track.

The easiest way to get a woman to feel comfortable around us is to do something we're all comfortable with, together. Everyone goes grocery shopping at the supermarket, so although it may sound unusual on a date, this is an ideal comfort-building activity. Organise a time to hang out with a female friend, and tell her "Let's go grab some groceries for lunch/dinner".

If she's someone you've got your eye on, rather than have a fancy dinner prepared when you invite her around to your place, take her to the supermarket with you to buy the ingredients you need. Make sure you have a shopping list prepared so you can chill out while you're there, and then get her to help out while you're cooking dinner or making lunch. Doing common tasks like this helps put a woman at ease and see you as a regular guy who she can hang out with.

3. Start Calling Your Female Friends Regularly

How is your confidence talking to women on the phone?

Talking on the phone is like any other social skill; you either practise it, or you lose it. You won't feel confident calling women on the phone if you're out of practise. This is particularly important if you're single: Otherwise, when you get a woman's phone number you'll hesitate and more than likely blow it when you do call them.

The way out of this is to start calling your female friends regularly, just to say "hi".

Set up a spreadsheet with all your female friend's numbers, and begin calling them on a routine basis. Work through your list regularly, sorting it by the date of your last call, so that you keep in touch with all your female friends. When you ring them, open with:

"Hi, It's Fred here. I can't talk for long, but I just wanted to call to say hello."

Then move on to talking about something you teased her or joked with her about last time you talked. Comedians call this a "call-back", and it's a very effective way of developing or re-establishing rapport with someone. Take a note of something significant from this conversation to use next time, and put it in your spreadsheet so you don't forget it.

When you meet new women and get their phone numbers, add them to your spreadsheet. Call one of your existing friends who you know are always glad to hear from you before calling someone for the first time. This will put you in a positive mood so that you can treat the stranger like an old friend.

Keeping in touch with your female friends will also help keep you in their social loop. Even if you're not interested in dating them, your female friends have other friends who you might not have met yet that could well be your type. So put that spreadsheet together, and start calling!