How Do You Show Interest In A Woman Without Looking Needy?

[Caleb]

I've met a woman I'm interested in at a class I am taking (let's call her "The Blonde"). I could use some advice on how to play this.

We met after class one night, about 3 classes ago. I find her to be extraordinarily pretty--great body and with excellent style--so I imagine she gets a lot of attention from guys.

We were leaving the building together one night and I struck up a casual conversation with her, which ended with, "Will you be at the class that starts Saturday? Great - see you then!"

She seemed friendly, sweet, interested and interesting.

That first Saturday class she never really looked my way, and I didn't go out of my way to approach her because I didn't want to crowd her or give my past tendency toward neediness a chance to take control.

It happened that another attractive woman in my class and I are striking up a friendship too, however I'm not really interested in this one (let's call her "The Italian").

The Italian and I made plans for coffee after class within earshot of The Blonde. Perhaps this might have increased my value in The Blonde's eyes, maybe struck a chord of jealousy?

So at the second class (today) The Blonde and I do not make eye contact again. The Italian happened to end up sitting next to me, and we were chatty.

After class, I'm on the street corner with The Italian, and I see that The Blonde notices us. She looks lonely. I imagine that she might be wanting some connection.

We have this unresolved tension, and anything would be better than being lonely and bored.

Plus, she might even see me as attractive, especially since my attention has been otherwise occupied and she is probably used to guys being all over her. I wish I would have approached her then, but I didn't.

The third and final class is next Saturday, and I'm feeling a bit in the corner if The Blonde and I are ever going to get anything going.

I don't want to come out of the blue and be all "hi!" since then it appears like I've been intentionally manipulative (kind of, but not really... I'm just trying to protect myself and be more conscious).

But if I don't, then I run the risk of missing out on a chance with her altogether.

I somehow need to work up to the chance to get her phone number next Saturday. Maybe I've already messed up by not connecting with her these past two classes?

Any advice on how to play this?

[David]

Hello, Caleb.

Remember, despite what you (or anyone else reading this) may have read elsewhere, women are actually human.

So let's address your dilemma by putting the proverbial shoe on the other foot for now, which I often find is very useful to do.

What would you think if you saw a woman who interested you talking and laughing with another guy quite a bit? Would you think even for a second that she was more interested in YOU than in that other guy?

Of course not. You'd take the situation at face value, which would be perfectly reasonable of you to do. After all, we can only go on the information we're given. We can't read each other's minds.

As such, The Blonde is very likely thinking you like the other girl better, and she's going to accept what she sees as the truth.

She's not about to make herself appear needy and desperate by trying to horn in on things between you and The Italian.

So you see, if you want her instead you'd better make that known to her somehow. You can't ignore her into your life, man.

Here's what you need to know.

Importantly, being interested is NOT the same as being needy, at least not necessarily. The teaching that we should be "indifferent" toward attractive women tends to be taken way, way to far to an extreme by most guys.

Really that strategy is only meant to serve as an objective "head check" to keep us from handing over our power at precisely the time when we need to be a confident, masculine man.

You just can't let the pendulum swing all the way in the opposite direction. Like so many ideas pertaining to dating and attraction, you've got to find a balance.

The best place to look for that, interestingly enough, is in your typical interactions with women you aren't so potentially hung up on sexually.

Think of it this way, for example. Whatever attention you're showing The Italian is working.

The only thing that keeps you from giving The Blonde a similar type of attention is that you perceive the stakes to be higher.

You don't want to screw things up, so your mind is playing tricks on you.

Meanwhile, since you really are a bit more indifferent about how The Italian responds to you, your flow is a lot more natural...which is always a good thing.

Can you see that balance there between showing SOME interest and boldly creating opportunities to interact with a woman, but at the same time being genuinely okay with whatever the outcome is?

As it stands, however, you're just playing games with these women in hopes of somehow increasing your social proof with The Blonde.

That's neither natural nor attractive.

What's more, the main point is to get to know The Blonde, not just to prove your social value to her.

As Stephen Covey once said, "the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing".

I really think we very often "strategize" ourselves into thinking stuff has to be WAY more complicated than it really is.

So go ahead and trust that your personality works and that you're potentially attractive to The Blonde. Then, keep it real.

Demonstrate masculine, confident interest in her without going completely overboard and gushing compliments, especially about her physical appearance.

That's probably what you've done to intrigue The Italian, and that's what's going to work for The Blonde also.

One caveat, however. Please don't simply drop The Italian like a sack of potatoes. You've got to be cool to her and continue to interact with her in a friendly manner, even if she isn't your first choice.

That way you don't hurt your goodwill with her and can remain friends.

[Caleb]

Thank you for your help David.