How Do I Get Guys to Actually Approach Me?

[Caroline]

I actually have two questions, and hopefully they are not too much to ask.

First, how do I get guys to actually approach me? I am 26 and not unattractive as I have had people say I am quite pretty. But seriously, I have only had a handful of men approach me.

The ones that do approach me are the derelicts of the town. The ones that are like bikers or just really not the greatest.

Second question. A nice guy delivered my new cooker last week. And he was really watching me, but we never got a chance to exchange names or numbers.

How do you go about letting a guy know you are really interested? I am kind of lost. The guy looked like he was just about to ask for my number but then stopped.

Help, please. I honestly don't know what I am doing wrong. I am naturally shy, but I am willing to make a move if I need to.

[Bradwin]

The thing to ALWAYS remember about men is that most of us are really, really afraid to approach women. We just flat-out do not want to be rejected.

I realize that most women might not fully realize how big an issue this really is.

And with all the "sensitivity training" and "sexual harassment seminars" men attend at work in this day and age, they have really been programmed to think that showing any "interest" toward a woman is tantamount to a criminal act.

On top of that, most men are not quite into reading subtle hints.

Put it all together and the basic result is that most women do not exactly have tons of men hitting on them all day...except maybe the ones who brazenly "do not care" and perhaps lack any semblance of social skill, as you have seen first-hand, right?

In fact, whereas most women tend to think that the 95%+ of guys who do not take the time to meet them were probably uninterested, the truth is most of them probably ARE interested...they just lack the guts or the proper strategy to get the job done.

For example, you were likely very correct in assessing that your delivery man was interested in you. And without a VERY direct hint from you, he would NEVER ask you out.

Why?

Because in his mind, were he to "harass" you like that it could cost him his job!

So what is a woman to do?

After all, you do not want to come off as "forward."

Besides, you probably want a REAL man who takes the lead. You do not want to have to ask him out yourself... that is HIS job, right?

Well, it is actually easier to affect the desired result than you think.

First, always SMILE. Stone-faced women tend to look busy or preoccupied, if not downright angry about something. Meanwhile, it is harder to envision a smiling woman biting our heads off if we approach her.

Second, and along the same lines, SLOW YOUR PACE. If you are rushing from place to place and always sort of stressed out about it, men are going to think they are bothering you should they attempt to communicate with you.

Third, MAKE CONVERSATION. If you are talking in a friendly tone to those around you, even if at a coffee shop or the department store, you thereby demonstrate that you are "approachable".

Finally, do not be afraid to MAKE EYE CONTACT, and give a warm smile when you do.

Many men may look down at the floor when you do this, and that is an unfortunate result of many men's programming to feel shame over being sexually interested in any woman.

Realize that if he does not reciprocate, it is equally likely to mean he LIKES you as otherwise. Strange I know, and true.

If you want to go ahead and "make a move" as you mentioned, simply say "hello." It is hard to see that as "forward" or inappropriate in any way.

And if you have a situation where you really think the he is interested and is not acting upon it, like you sensed with the delivery man, you can try this.

I call it "asking for a question" or A4Q.

If you sense he really wants to get your number and something is apparently holding him back, try saying...

"You seem as if you might want to ask me something. Was there something you wanted to ask me?"

This is a MAGICAL strategy for women to use because it does several great things.

First, it welcomes his interest.

Second, it still leaves the "leadership" ball in his court...you do not take the proverbial "bull by the horns" and actually ask him out.

And third, there is nothing overtly suggestive or un-ladylike at all about it.

By the way, A4Q is also tremendously helpful if you think a first kiss needs to happen and the man just is not going for it.

Obviously, it is difficult to tell exactly what may be going on in your case without direct observation.

And I am 99.99% sure that something I have mentioned will ring a bell for you.

And one more thing...the fact that you are considered attractive may make things even MORE DIFFICULT for men in this area, ironically enough.

If you see lots of what I would call "quick hits" like comments about how nice you look, doors being held for you, etc, and NO requests for dates or phone numbers... that just proves that the men are flat-out scared of you.

It is true!

[Olivia]

Many of us ladies put ourselves out there, but no one takes the bait. "Men never approach me!" This is a complaint we hear quite often, followed by, ''I never meet the right men." You're pretty, tall, have a yoga-toned body, and a really pleasant personality. So what could be the problem? If you get reassuring glances, head turns, and interested looks but guys just never seem to actually approach you, then you might not be putting yourself as 'out there' as you might think. Here are some more possibilities why men won't (or can't) muster the courage to approach you:

1. They assume a lady as good-looking as you are is already in a relationship, so why should they bother? You really can't do anything about this, so simply take it as a compliment and move on. If a man is really interested in you, he will find a way to know if you are available. He might ask common friends, for example.

2. They are intimidated. Men, no matter how tough their exterior may be, still have inhibitions whenever they approach women. They may have all the intention of getting close or starting a conversation, but halfway, they choke up and loose the confidence. Try being friendlier, or better yet, be the one to do the 'approach' gesture. Sometimes, it pays to make the first move.

3. You may look 'high maintenance.' If you carry a Chanel handbag, walk in Louboutin shoes, and simply look too made up, some men might think that you are well, high maintenance. They won't bother making that move, especially if they're not the type to wait on a woman's hands and feet all the time.

4. You have all your guards up. Your wall of friends, your iPhone, a book - all these can be force fields repelling guys who want to approach you. A word of advice: Isolate yourself from your friends every once in a while. Put that book down, and for once, keep your cool new phone in your pocket. You'd be surprised at how many potential dates will come your way.

Being more open and more approachable gives guys more confidence to get close to you. Staying away from your circle of friends gives them that much needed leeway to make their move and keep you company. Here's one more tip: The biggest secret to getting them to come close and engage you in conversation is to smile at them! Let them know that it's okay to talk to you.

[Caroline]

Thank you all for you help.