Is It Best To Tell Him I Want A Committed Relationship First?

[Evelyn]

I just started dating this great guy & really want things to work out with him.

I was just wondering if we haven't slept together yet, is it best to tell him I want a committed relationship first? Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

[Sammy]

Dear Evelyn.

This actually reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend the other day about the WORST things a woman can post on her online dating profile.

I remember when I was researching... "on line dating".... profiles... I would be... "researching"... on an online dating site... and soon got to notice there were two kinds of..."man repulsion"... profiles I would see again... and again.

Number one was the...

"Where are the GOOD MEN???"

OR...

"PRINCESS SEEKS HER PRINCE."

These do not work because they had..."high maintenance wounded bird with fantasy expectations"... all over them.

The other type of... "re-pulser"... was the...

"SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONLY"

The type of profile that said in ALL CAPS how ONLY GUYS WHO ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS SHOULD APPLY.

Anyway.. I know you are not talking about online dating here... yet I think there is a parallel here in the... "real world courting."

If you tell a man early on...

"I'm looking for something serious and don't want to waste my time so let's not even do this unless you want 15 babies."

You are going to cause even really good men who DO want family... and commitment to run for the hills... it is just too much... it is like if you met a man... and after 3 meet up's he told you he only wanted to keep seeing you if you were interested in freaky athletic "romance" involving trapeze.... and cheetahs.

Now... I am not saying you should lie... or even that you should keep quiet about you want... I am just saying you should frame it as a..."someday"... thing... I actually recommend this method to my clients when they are first getting together with some one new.

Not to... BEG... for commitment... or anything... that would not work... and to make it VERY clear that what you want to happen someday... so just drop the occasional... "someday"...into your conversation...

"Someday, when I get married."

"Someday when I have a family."

Men usually get the hint... and you will not put too much pressure on him... and after you drop those... "some days"... try to forget about them... and focus on the now.

Have fun... fall in love if that is what is going to happen... the serious conversations should come a little later.

Let me know how you get on Evelyn.

[Mabel]

First, your guy should know that you are special. Not only that, you should also know that your life is special-even without a guy in it. A lot of women make the mistake of thinking that they need a relationship to make their life complete. This is the wrong way to go about thinking. You can't make him commit to you if he thinks that you are desperate. To fix this, show him that you are quite independent by enjoying your life to the fullest instead of letting him think that you are waiting around for him to make up his mind.

Staying busy is also a good way to show your guy that you have other things to do. If you run every time he calls then he doesn't need to commit to you because he doesn't have an incentive to take the next step.

However, if you act a little mysterious regarding your plans, you put him off from time to time, and you let him see that you're enjoying yourself he might start to miss you. Once he is able to miss you he will be able to see what you add to his life and he'll always want you in it.

If you are having trouble getting your guy to see you and you alone then you should take the time to really reevaluate your relationship. Is he really the one for you? Relationships aren't always easy but they shouldn't be difficult either. You can try to make him commit to you by letting him see that you love him and that you are there for him. If this doesn't work, then you might be better off looking elsewhere.

[Evelyn]

Thank you for all the advice.