Should I Date A Married Man?

[Bella]

HELP! I met the man of my dreams and I don't know what to do. I've been looking for someone who I really connect with for such a long time and when I met Jim it was like a bomb went off in my heart. He's amazing. Handsome.

Successful. And he actually TALKS to me about his feelings and what's going on with him.

There's only one problem. He's married.

From what he's told me his marriage is a sham and they're only staying together for the kids. He even told me that he and his wife haven't had sex in over a year and that as soon as his kids are old enough he's going to end it.

I then read an article about getting involved with a married man and it made me think.

But what do I do? I've never felt this way about anyone before.

[Malvin]

Hi Bella,

Now here is the bad news:

You are doomed.

OK, that is a bit over the top, so let me soften it a bit.

You are PROBABLY doomed.

No matter how attracted to or in love with the man you are, courting (or having an affair) with a married man is a bad idea.

Is it possible he is telling you the truth about his "sham" of a marriage . . . that he is truly and passionately in love with you and that he really IS going to leave his wife as soon as the kids hit high school?

Sure.

And it is even more possible that he is using you.

And I am not even saying he is doing it on purpose.

He may believe every word he is telling you... be addicted to your smile... spend long nights fantasizing about holding you in his arms.

And in the end you are going to waste years on a man who cannot and will not give you what you want.

And in the end you are going to lose.

So here is what you do...

Tell him "Call me when you're actually single and the ink on the divorce papers is dry."

I mentioned that point in the article!

And then walk away.

Do not be his lover.

Do not be his friend.

Go out and try to find a man who is actually available.

They exist, I know.

My very BEST advice for you Fiona... WALK AWAY!

Yes, you will have hurt feelings, you will get over them and save your self a ton of trouble.

And I would say exactly the same thing to a man getting involved with a married woman... WALK AWAY!

If you want help and support dealing with your feelings, then please do contact me and we can arrange some coaching sessions.

[David]

The 'Married Man' is a different type of species altogether and you may find he has an allure if feeling a little jaded after being on the singles-dating scene for a while. As a rule, the married man will go out of his way to complement you, always ensure your glass is filled, and an offer of dinner is never fraught with concerns about who will pay or whether you should offer to go Dutch or not. If unsure about the marital status of a new man watch out for signs that will easily identify him as married. He tends to be secure in himself, confident, with seemingly little to prove to women. If after meeting him and assuming there was an attraction, he'll somehow find a way to have a card or flowers sitting on your desk the following day. Alternatively, if he emails or calls you he's openly enthusiastic about meeting up with you again. What can seem best of all is the lack of guesswork needed about whether he likes you or not. It can feel flattering and all too easy to relax and bask in the attentiveness shown by the Married Man. For some women it can feel like salve to a battered self-esteem after dating too many commitment-phobic single guys who apparently like nothing more than cruising bars and picking up different 'chicks' every weekend.

Tips, Advice and Damnation

If contemplating dating a married man you might find it useful to throw 'dating a married man' into Google and read the responses you get. First up are the tips on how to successfully date and keep the married man. You'll also get contrasting advice on why you should re-evaluate your reasons for accepting a status of second best. And of course, the response you expect is also included, the one that judges you as the home-wrecker. Interestingly, the tips suggest you never push your married man for answers and that you "make the most of the time you have together." By contrast, the advice informs you that you're putting your life on hold for a man who already has commitments, so "just don't do it." And the view reflecting societal, cultural or religious values will let you know in no uncertain terms that what you're doing is wrong, that you will be punished at some point or at least that you deserve to be.

Just a Bit of Fun?

Whatever your views are on the subject of flirting with or dating a married man, they may well be dependent on your circumstances or indeed your current status. For example, many women talk openly about how, when single and out socialising, they saw the married man as a pawn who bought them wine, or champagne they couldn't or wouldn't buy for themselves. And married men, very well acquainted with this game, accepted this as the price to pay to have attractive company around for an evening. Jump to another type of socialising - the conference. After the event itself, the usual is for everyone to head to the bar and shake off a day of presentations and PowerPoint. As the evening progresses and alcohol continues to flow, friendships are strengthened while new ones are created. In some cases, boundaries become blurred and an opportunity presenting itself for a one-night stand with an attentive married colleague might seem too irresistible to pass up on. All a bit of fun and of little meaning you might rationalise at the time, but is it really?

Why Do Men Cheat?

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, men cheat, as it's a part of their genetic code, a throwback to a time when survival of the species saw man spread his seed with abandon and with little thought of monogamy or indeed fidelity. Well perhaps there is some truth in that but what about now? For some married men, powerful ones, or even those with a healthy expense account, a girlfriend is often regarded as a perk that represents a perceived elevated status in life. We also have the men we know as 'players,' he is the type of man who is always open to whatever opportunity comes his way. However, for the most part, many men find themselves cheating on a spouse for much more mundane reasons and with little pre-thought or planning having gone into it. As an example, take that alcohol infused one-night stand at the conference or a night out in a club with friends and some attractive women joining the group.

For now, I'm going to stay away from the men who play the field, plus those who believe a girlfriend comes courtesy of American Express; likewise, I'm doing the same about the women who actively choose to date them. Instead, I'm concentrating on the woman who simply finds herself attracted to the 'regular' married man. First, I think it should be said that most single women would never consciously choose a relationship with a married man. However, as I've said before sometimes events, timing and of course attraction conspires for things to happen differently. Intense feelings of attraction particularly if reciprocated are often difficult to ignore. And when we're caught up in attraction, we quite easily become seduced by the thrill of anticipation, and life can seem to take on a glow it didn't have previously. It's both an addictive and enthralling time and very difficult to walk or indeed run away from.

Secrecy, Lies, and Limits

However, for the woman who does embark on a relationship with a married man, she has to prepare herself for a relationship with a difference. Getting together with her new man involves constant secrecy and lies. Often it means being selective about who to share her relationship news with. Plans for weekends or holidays away with her lover may need to be accepted as not an option. However, during the initial period of hyped up romantic love none of this might matter. It's only when those wonderful heady early days of romance ebb away that things change. This is the completely natural evolution of relationships as it shifts from the adrenalin pumping infatuation stage and moves into the calmer 'attachment' phase. The relationship is now at a place where a deeper kind of love, connectedness, and intimacy is possible with a couple. For the woman having the kind of limiting relationship one has with a married man she may begin to seek more commitment - one that includes a fuller life and future with her lover. For the married man still committed to his marriage (this may be his children rather than his wife) it's often a time of panic, when he feels pushed to make a choice. Most will choose their marriage. And while he might find solace immersing himself back in his marriage, the woman may find herself dealing with the fallout alone particularly if friends and family were unsupportive of the relationship in the first place.

Finding a Relationship with Potential

Finding someone to have a good functioning relationship with takes time and yes it can be lonely during that period. However, getting involved with someone already committed to another is not the answer to fending off your loneliness. If anything, a relationship with a married man can by itself be an even more isolating and intensely lonely experience. So before you launch into any relationship know in advance what it is you want. If it's a relationship with a potential to grow, one with a real chance of a future with another, then faced with an attractive and openly interested married man, remind yourself of that and make the decision that is the right one for you. Walk away.

[Sofia]

No matter how you justify it, he is a married man and you currently don't hold any status. Words are very cheap at this moment in time and holding onto words is a recipe for wasting time. I do understand that you may feel he is a soul mate, but think again. A soul mate is not someone who puts you on a backburner, holding on to a hope that smells more like a fantasy.

If he tells you that he will leave his wife for you, when will he do that? Are there signs that will tell you for sure he is leaving? Well unless he is signing divorce papers and sorting out where his children will live as well as who owns the family car after the divorce, he is not leaving. Just take that he is lying whenever he says he'd leave his wife. After all, he is a liar and you know that fact (He is living a lie with his wife and children every single day.)

And even if your married man decides to leave his wife and family for you, that is not the end of the story. You would still have to cope with the wife's forever existence, not to mention the kids and child support (if any). Plus, relationships born out of affairs survive less than 5 percent of the time. And how can you feel secure in your relationship later on when you know he may do it to you? Won't you entertain the idea that he may be having another person on the side if you ever get into a legitimate relationship with him?

Break off this relationship. The hurt that you feel from breaking off from a married man is not worse compared to the daily hurt you feel having the relationship with him. Take some time and courage to get to know yourself once again, fall in love with yourself again, and most importantly, let someone who is free to come into your life.

[Bella]

Great advice from all of you, thank you!