How Do I Tell Him I Have A Daughter?

[Stella]

I don't know what to do! I met a guy out on a girl's night out about two months ago. We really hit it off. He takes me out. He treats me like a lady. When he touches me, it's amazing . . .

I feel wanted.
I feel desired.
I feel like I'm falling in love.

But I'm afraid.

See, I have a beautiful little daughter. She's 6. She's wonderful. She's my whole world.

And I'm scared to tell this man about her.

My ex and I broke up two years ago. I'm smart. I'm attractive. I meet men. But when these men find out I have a daughter something changes.

They get weird. They pull away.They think I'm 'tricking' them into being a dad.

So I didn't bring her up at first.

And then a few weeks went by and I got scared and didn't mention her.

And now it's been 2 months and I feel like I've waited too long and he's going to FREAK out if I bring it up.

How do I tell him about my daughter?

What do I do if he freaks out?

I just want a good man. What do I do?"

[Malvin]

First a couple things...

I can feel just from your email how torn up you are about this.

And I totally get it.

I know from my own experience of being a single parent (In my case 4 kids) and both female and males friends who are single parents what a tough job it is . . .

How you feel like your body, your life is not your own . . .

And in your case as a woman.

How you just want a good man to look at you with desire and love and lust again and take you out and twirl you around and show you how sexy you are.

And just "value" and "appreciate" you as a woman.

Have you ever asked him how he feels about kids?

When I was reading your question, I kept expecting SOMETHING in there about how this guy has sworn up and down, left and right that he will never have children and he will not have them in his life.

I was expecting to read the beginnings of some horror story about a mother who drove her children into a lake because her boyfriend does not want them.

It is true, some guys do not want kids.

And even some guys who DO want kids do not necessarily want to take care of somebody else's son or daughter. (There are biological reasons for this passed down through our evolution, but I wont bother you with the Science).

So here is my recommendation...

1. Take a breathe and forgive yourself.

Yes, you messed up a little by not mentioning until now that you have got a daughter, and it is OK.

Actually, you are better off doing what you did then you would be if you introduced him to your daughter after a week or two of social courting.

That can end VERY badly.

2. How do you tell him?

Simply, without shame, with a little bit of an apology and as soon as you can.

Being open and honest.

I suggest next time you are hanging out and having a nice time, just come out with it.

"Hey, I know I really should have told you this before and I feel a little stupid that I waited this long to mention it, but I have a daughter."

You will basically get one of three reactions...

1. Enthusiastic.

"Really,I love kids, what's her name?"

If this happens - awesome.

Keep on moving forward.

2. Horrified.

"I HATE CHILDREN! THEY ARE THE DEMON SPAWN! HOW DARE YOU HIDE THIS FROM ME!"

Or words to that effect, you KNOW where I am coming from.

If this happens - not as awesome, but at least you know he is not a guy you want to be with and walk away from.

3. Somewhere in the middle.

"Really? I'm kind of insulted you didn't tell me earlier. I don't know how to feel about this."

If this happens - well, you have got some work to do.

And that is fine.

Apologize for taking so long.

Explain that you really like him and were scared he would freak out.

You being honest, sincere and taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions, will send him a real powerful MESSAGE that you are Genuine.

See where it goes, he might surprise you when you are REAL with him.

If it does not work out with this guy, here is some tips on how to find a guy who loves kids (and how to be both a cool mum and a sexy woman great guys cannot resist.)

1. There's a LOT of single dads out there who know what parenthood is like.

There is even single parent dating sites.

2. No matter who you are social courting, keep them and your kids separate for at least the first couple months.

If you introduce your kids too early, it makes a guy feel like you are trying to "daddy" him too early (plus it is devastating to the child if this guy disappears.)

3. Your attitude is everything.

If you are enthusiastic about your child and think of and act like having a daughter is a BONUS as opposed to BAGGAGE that will come across in all your interactions with guys.

I know it is a tough one Mary, being a single parent you have a lot of added complications that single and married people do not.

I am going to say to you what I say to all my clients who work with me.

Get it into your mind set...

"You are the Prize" to be earned and won!"

If this man really "values you" and understands that part of you is that "prize" of your daughter.

Then give him the gift of you and your daughter.

You both come as a part of the same package.

Let me know how you get on Mary.

[Stella]

Thank you Malvin for you candid advice, it was very helpful.