Disrespectful Sex?

[Mary]

Hi,

I'm new here (:

Men and women relate differently to sex. As a woman who has a crush on a man, I want him to want a relationship with me. I'm pretty sure he likes me back, but I'd bet a relationship is not his objective. Rather, I'd bet he'd like to have sex. This man is a very responsible man, not one to sleep around or mistreat a woman, but that does not mean he can't break my heart. So, my question to you lovely peeps is, "If a man likes a woman to the extent that he wants to sleep with her, is that a sign of disrespect towards the woman in question?"

I know you could argue that being friends with benefits is not disrespectful if both consenting adults agree. That whole consenting mutual decision thing is not what I am tapping here. What I am tapping is whether the intention to be friends with benefits is a sign of disrespect and not something a self-respecting woman should accommodate because, in essence, it's like being used, right?

What do y'all think?

Best WIshes,

Mary X x

[Roy]

Well, want an honest guy's perspective? Want to know what goes through the guy's mind in this situation? Let's clear up something right off. Do men just want sex? No. But many women complain that guys only want sex. And unfortunately, some guys feel bad about this and decide to suppress their sexual drive, when, in fact, there should be nothing wrong with guys wanting to have sex. It is completely normal and the truth is, yes, most guys do want to have sex. After all, women, you would not want to get a guy who is not sexually interested in you, right?

So, if that is the truth, how do you know if you are having sex too soon, if he actually likes you, if is he going to call you the next day, and what he is really thinking about? As a disclaimer, I would like to say that the following advice is mainly for those that choose to have sex before marriage. Ultimately, my advice is always to follow your heart. If in your heart you believe that waiting to be married before having sex is the right thing for you, then the easy answer for you is just to wait. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise just because it may seem as if everyone else is quick to jump into bed or because the media is so explicit about sex. But for those of you who are struggling with the decision about when is the right time to have sex, keep reading.

Believe it or not, men are very simple creatures. The truth is that we men often don't think much before we do something, especially in situations where all of our blood is flowing south, away from our brain. So, now that we've covered what is going in a guy's mind in the heat of the moment, let's help you generally understand men, because the more you understand them, the better decisions you will make for yourself. Remember that ultimately all that men want is to make you happy. But it is very hard, if not impossible, to respect your wants and wishes, if you don't express them or respect them yourself. Just because a man wants to have sex with you and is physically attracted to you, does not necessarily mean that he also feels an emotional, mental, and/or spiritual attraction as well.

Healthy chemistry and attraction between men and women often develop differently. Men usually get attracted to women first physically and only after that, mentally and emotionally. Women, on the other hand, usually first develop a mental or emotional attraction, and only after that does the physical part kick in. This explains why women can easily misinterpret men's advances of wanting to have sex as meaning that he must also care for her. Since, intuitively, the woman would generally want sex only if she felt that she really cared for the guy, she is now going to assume the same is true for the guy, in reverse. So, before having sex, make sure you are not mistakenly setting yourself up to be hurt. Don't assume that because he is physically attracted to you, he also really cares for you.

My second piece of advice explains why waiting to have sex later on can actually be a win-win situation. Women often make another mistake in thinking that if you don't have sex with a man, his interest in you will drop. This is simply not true. Although, it is true that men do want to have sex, it is also true that waiting to have sex at a later time can actually increase the passion in your relationship and work to your benefit.

Many women have either heard stories of men leaving their friends-or have experienced this themselves-for reasons of not having had any sex. This automatic association simply is not true. While there are many men that are looking for just sex, and while it is of course true that if you did date one of these men they would probably leave you because you did not have sex with them, the men that actually care for you will not leave you for that reason. And if you were looking for a more serious relationship, you would just be glad that those who were looking for sex did actually leave. If a man really likes you for who you are and cares about you, as you are dating he would not leave you because of no sex.

Some of you may already doubt what I am saying, but allow me to explain further. Over the past ten years, I have seen, experienced, and come in contact with an increasing number of very nice and caring guys who want to make a relationship work just as much as women do. The truth is that men today also yearn for a satisfying, loving, and happy relationship. While there are also many jerks that often give men a bad name, I have almost daily come in contact with many really nice guys who truly want to make relationships work.

Although these men, if they did date you and liked you, would probably want to have sex with you, they would not leave you just because you wanted to wait while getting to know each other. In fact, the more they actually got to like and know you, the more they would probably want to make the occasion special as well. Realize that for a guy to wait to have sex actually helps him search out how much he would want to be intimate with you. This gives the passion in your relationship a chance to grow even more.

There is wisdom in waiting. As you wait to have sex with him, he will have the opportunity to first find out whether he really likes and cares about you. If you are able to make your dating experiences positive without sex, this delayed gratification will also help him through those tough times in your relationship when you are not seeing eye-to-eye. The more he experiences being successful in making you happy while you are dating, the more he will have the confidence in himself when times get tough and you are not always as happy with him as in the beginning.

Realize that waiting to have sex for the time when you feel you are ready can actually help increase the passion in your relationship and assist your guy to become the best man he can be. As long as he feels hope and he has succeeded in making you happy, I promise you there is no threat in saying no to his advances.

So, if in the heat of the moment you feel that you are not ready, this is what you can safely say: "Hey, I really like you and this feels so good, but I am not ready to go further yet. I just like to go slow." By saying this, you have communicated that you want him to wait, yet you have also done it in a way that also tells him that he has made you happy. In fact, you've given him the courage to continue to pursue you. Should he disregard your wishes, repeat the phrase and be firm.

It is important that you communicate you wants in a way that does not make him wrong for wanting sex, but at the same time makes it clear to him that you expect him to respect you as well. The more mature you are and the better you know yourself, the easier it is for you to know the right time for you. In the end, follow your heart and remember that the more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. And this applies to men and to women.

[Gray]

In this day and age friends with benefits is becoming more and more popular. I've surveyed people of multiple age groups asking the same questions hoping to learn more about it myself. Suprisingly to me the group of people who were born in the 60s and 70s knew the least about these. I would've assumed otherwise but apparently one night stands were more popular back then. I've also talked to a bunch of college students, about an equal number of males and females and I came to one conclusion. Based on the numbers, males prefer friends with benefits where as females prefer relationships(statistic is based on my numbers alone of over 100 surveyed college students). Some of you are probably thinking, "Duh!" but do any of you know why that is? I think I've figured it out. When it comes to relationships, especially in younger couples, the female wants her man, one man, to fulfill ALL of her needs. Whereas men want multiple girls to fulfill one need...

Here's the kicker to everything I've just explained. When I asked the female show many of them has at least 1 friend with benefits or had one in the last 3 years almost 80% of them have. And i made sure that all one-nighters were rules out. So if females want a relationship and males want friends with benefits why do so many females give in? Are they weak and feeble minded? Are men just that smart? I don't want to yes to either of those questions, but at the same time I think so (and i capitalize) TO AN EXTENT. Based on my experience, when a female and a male connect they try to do or say things to keep the other party interested. Now if a friends with benefits type of thing is what the guy is looking for, and he knows this right off the bat, he needs to play his cards right. He has to keep her interested enough to want to be with him, but at the same time keep enough distance to make it clear that they aren't exclusive. And all to often, women who want a boyfriend will be interested enough that they fall for him and want him bad enough they think they are willing to wait for him. The problem with that is it is a false hope. Once the guy knows he's getting his physical desires met without the need of a relationship why would he change (im not saying all guys, just going with my numbers)? The simple answer is, they wouldn't. And rightly so.

To wander off track a little, think of it as a game. You have 2 players, the guy and the girl. Both teams have different objectives. The guy wants the physical needs met without the other relationship-like necessities, however the female wants it all. So, the guy starts out with his strategy and the girl starts with hers. (This is the part about the feeble minded females...sorry ladies) And going back to my numbers the guy generally prevails. Because the female has that false hope that he will change and want a relationship sometime in the future. Which he very well could, but one of the questions in my survey was, "If you were getting everything you wanted from a girl without needing a relationship would you start to date her knowing the kind of stress that goes along with a relationship." All but 3 guys said, "no". Which again makes perfect sense.

Personally, I am an advocate for FWBs, especially for the younger adults. From my experience, both personal and witnessed, heres how it goes: Guy and girl meet, they talk, they're attracted, they like what each other has got to offer and before you know it they're dating exclusively. And then before you blink they're broken up. Why? Because they really don't know the person and when they first meet they are blind to the other persons faults. So why FWB? you get a chance to really see if you are compatible with each other. You have time to BASICALLY act like boyfriend and girlfriend without all of the added stressors. If you can make it past the initial stressors then you know that there might actually be a fighting chance to a real relationship. Another reason I'm all for FWBs, I am 19, I'm working full-time. I'm taking 17 college credits, and I have issues with my parents (whom I live with). My plate is full. It isn't only not fair to me to have to try to make a relationship work, but it is really not fair for me to put someone through that. I can hardly talk, or hang out. I don't have money to buy her nice gifts(which shouldn't be and isn't necessary, but a nice gesture). And quite frankly, women=stress.

As men we always go out of way to please our ladies, even if it doesn't always seem that way to them, the fact is we try to hard and can't see the obvious. But thats for another day. the fact of the matter is when in a relationship, a real, exclusive relationship the most important thing is attention. I know it sounds weird, but it's not love, or compatibility no matter how much we wish could say it is. It is attention. How much attention do you pay to the other person. And I'm not going to lie, if I had an exclusive girl friend right now she would not get the attention she deserves and I'm sure a lot of guys would agree. i find it hard enough to pay attention to my FWBs with my crazy schedule.

Thats the beauty of FWBs though. And this is where it all comes together. Hypothetical situation: You have an FWB who you really like. Someone who you could even see yourself marrying someday. You have 2 choices. Ask the person for an exclusive relationship and take the chance that you ruin it because you can't accommodate to a relationship at this time. Or remain FWBs, keeping that person close to you so that when your life opens up you can have her all to yourself, but taking the chance that someone else doesn't get to her first.

My advice, if it isn't already obvious. If you're young and busy don't rush into a relationship. They really are stressful and you may have school, or a new career to focus on. Life is all about chances, but don't ruin that life over what could be. Take the time and devote your mind to what really matters right now. So basically, if you fit my description and you really like someone, don't put them through a sub-par relationship. And vice-versa, if they really like you, they'll wait.

[Vivian]

If you are just looking for fun, go for it. Unfortunately, women usually do not have the ability to separate physical activity and emotions unlike men. Although you think you can condition yourself that you'll never fall for a man you're having sex with, you may find yourself in a morning after when you realize how devastated you are after a man leaves without saying goodbye. Also, not all friends with benefits get a happy ending. Be realistic with your expectations, and prepare for the consequences.

You need to be aware of this chemical called "oxytocin" that makes a woman emotionally bond with a man she is having sex with no matter what she does. Known as the "cuddle hormone," oxytocin causes you to bond with your sex partner. Keep in mind that oxytocin receptors are found not just in the brain but in the reproductive system, too. Oxytocin can also be found in breast milk, which explains the bond established between the mother and the baby. Think about this hormone when you are considering entering into a friends with benefits type of a relationship. Ask yourself: Can I really fight the oxytocin and not get attached to this casual sex buddy?

You can't control the chemicals in your body, so don't do it, unless you are prepared for emotional attachment and the possibility that he doesn't return your love. It's very painful when that happens. If you know you cannot separate sex from emotions, then the best thing to do is to avoid the friends with benefits situation. But if you are able to accept what you currently have with the guy without high expectations in the end, then you'll be fine.

[Mary]

You Guys! Thank you for responding to me, so thoughtfully! I am most thankful. <3

Vivian, first off, I am glad that you raised Oxytocin because, I think, it is something ALL girls considering sex should know and understand. Oxytocin is a game-changer and when I came to understand Oxytocin as the culprit for why I was not able to have casual sex without turning into a bunny-boiler, I left the (casual-sex) game. It is not to be messed with.Thank you so much for caring to remind me. <3

Roy, thank you for your response. You've also said amazing things and I am so grateful for you opening my eyes to the fact, even the most testosterone-driven male can and will just have to wait until I am ready and, if he can't wait, then I can't be ready, right? And that's fine (; Thank you so much for showing me how to respond to an offer which I am not ready to accept, without making it sound like the rejection it is not. <3

Grey, okay, I totally get what you are saying. The thing is, I am 34 years old and the man I have a crush on is 44 years old, and he has son who is 18 (; Although he is a nice man, he's been down the road of long relationships, a child, schools, etc., and he's not on that page anymore. He's a nice, cool, person with money, simply enjoying the prime of his life. But what suits him and what suits me are two different things.

Will I sleep with this man because he wants that? No way. I am more of a no-sex-before marriage (or somewhere there abouts) woman. This man is also my neighbour so I am definitely not about to compromise my life for a quick toss in the hay. What I wanted to understand, however, was simply whether a man wanting only sex, as I have described this man may see me as someone he wants to 'bang,' is actually a sign of disrespect towards the woman (me), or not?

If I singled out someone for sex and nothing more, my conscience would tell me this behaviour is a sign of disrespect towards that person, because it is me using the person's intimate area for my intimate needs, regardless. It reeks of exploitation. I'm not going to lie, I have tried this before, however, my good friend Oxytocin taught me to love the person, instead, and my plan failed. I'm a woman asking do men view casual sex as a sign of disrespect towards the woman?

If I had to take a guess, I would say, 'Yes,' men are aware that using a woman only for sex is not an example of respectable conduct, even if it is societally acceptable. I mean, I bet those same men would not want their daughter being used for such ends. In other words, if this man does view me as sex-bait, and I believe strongly this is the case, is this a sign that he does not respect me as much as he could. Again, in other words, what might seem like a complement is actually a type of insult. Am I right?


Thank you! <3

P.s., Gray, I am so sorry to read that you are experiencing problems at home. I know what that feels like. I pray the universe will show you a way out of that situation at the best, opportune time. <3

[Gray]

The fact is that, the way a man views relationship differs from how a women views it. To a man relationship is an event, but to a woman it's an experience. A man considers a relationship as an event he wants to attend and so he prepares so much for it. After attending that particular event he prepares for another one. In this case, the "event" is SEX. However, a woman on the other hand considers relationship as an experience she wants to continue experiencing for the rest of her life. This explains why a man can sleep with a woman he has no affection or love for, and on the other hand a woman can't just sleep with someone she has no feelings for.

Now, for you question, "if this man does view me as sex-bait, and I believe strongly this is the case, is this a sign that he does not respect me as much as he could?"

My answer is, it depends.

Of course it's a sign of disrespect but the way you offer yourself to him for sex will determine if he will respect you after having sex with you.

Men value what they work hard to get, and anything they get so easily they don't cherish.

So, if you build a friendship with him for a long time and make him crave to have sex with you for a long time without getting it, he will appreciate and respect you when he eventually gets it. However, it doesn't mean he will love you.

In short, don't give yourself cheaply to him for sex, make him yearn for it and he will respect you. If you do the opposite, you will be disrespected by him.

[Mary]

The fact is that, the way a man views relationship differs from how a women views it. To a man relationship is an event, but to a woman it's an experience. A man considers a relationship as an event he wants to attend and so he prepares so much for it. After attending that particular event he prepares for another one. In this case, the "event" is SEX. However, a woman on the other hand considers relationship as an experience she wants to continue experiencing for the rest of her life. This explains why a man can sleep with a woman he has no affection or love for, and on the other hand a woman can't just sleep with someone she has no feelings for.

Now, for you question, "if this man does view me as sex-bait, and I believe strongly this is the case, is this a sign that he does not respect me as much as he could?"

My answer is, it depends.

Of course it's a sign of disrespect but the way you offer yourself to him for sex will determine if he will respect you after having sex with you.

Men value what they work hard to get, and anything they get so easily they don't cherish.

So, if you build a friendship with him for a long time and make him crave to have sex with you for a long time without getting it, he will appreciate and respect you when he eventually gets it. However, it doesn't mean he will love you.

In short, don't give yourself cheaply to him for sex, make him yearn for it and he will respect you. If you do the opposite, you will be disrespected by him.

Perfect answer (and you've broken it down so well)! Thank you, so much! <3