Mixed signals/do I wait?

[Welshgirl88]

So I (f29) met a guy (m28) at our work summer party (we both work for the same company). We hit it off really well and he ended up coming back to mine and we slept together... lots! There was an amazing spark. He had to leave early the next day as he was having his daughter that weekend.
The following Monday we see each other at work. He explained he hadn't messaged since (I assumed because he was with his daughter so wasn't worried about it) as he wanted to see me at work. We had a casual chat and started messaging each other.

Messages are a mix of flirty, very flirty and nice general conversation. After a week and a bit of messaging he asked if I wanted to hang out at his last Thursday. Neither of us were really ready for a relationship- I broke up with a long term guy in February and he had broken up with a girl a month ago so agreed it would be very casual, no strings evening. I was fine with this.

Thursday evening was great. We had amazing sex and had dinner and chatted for hours - turned out we had loads in common and had that chemistry where you wind each other up so much it's great (I guess the word banter would be appropriate but I hate that word!)

Next morning things were weird. He told me he didn't want to sleep with me that morning and didn't want to be just friends with benefits because he had had such a great evening with me. He also found it weird already having another girl over after his ex which I totally understood - I wasn't going to stay the night but he offered and was easier driving wise.

I was completely thrown by this as I wrongly assumed he would be the type of guy who would just want to be friends with benefits. To be honest I'm still a bit confused but we did have an amazing evening and was bizarre how much we got on - not sure either of us was expecting it to be honest.

Next day I sent him a message basically saying I had a great evening but don't want go be romantically involved with a guy who's not 100% ready but I wasnt going to wait for him to be ready. He needed to take some time and figure out what he wants. However when he is ready , and if im still single, be interesting to see how things go. As we both agreed it would be ashame not to hang out again, I suggested a friendly drink in a couple of weeks. He said all that sounded lovely.

Since then I've avoided messaging him. Obviously finding it hard to get all this out my head and still pretty confused by it all.

Having spoken to a couple of girl friends, they seem to think he freaked out as he saw me as potential marriage material. On the way to his, he was pointing out all the places he grew up and where his parents live. He also told me his life plans. I tried to laugh off my friends suggestion but now wondering about it.

Probably a case of great guy at sadly the wrong time but I'm finding it hard to be strong, not message him like we were and see other people. I have a date lined up for next week with a guy I talked to on tinder but honestly finding it hard to get the work guy out my head!

Any thoughts/help/suggestions would be great!

[Tina]

We can get so confused in relationships that we can't really identify what is happening when we are involved with someone whose words are completely opposed to their actions. When we don't understand what is true we leave the door open to voluntarily wearing a leash that our partner can tug at will and drag us right back into their confusion. We have effectively been moved out of our comfort zone and tethered to their whims while we try to determine what they really mean.

When people don't have the courage to speak the truth they frequently conjure up stories that will allow them to continue forward with their plans while telling their partner, 'This is not what I want.' A little more disturbing are those who are clearly leaving but don't want to untie the knot lest they need you for something they know you can or will do... they plan to use you at some point in the future. Comforting isn't it?

There is a system to falling for and committing to another person. It begins with the gut feeling (that we may have ignored, hence the confusion) where the most accurate direction is found. This is followed by transmitting the instinct to our brain to analyze and find the facts. Once a determination is made it is transmitted to our heart, our emotional brain, where we finally make the emotional commitment. When you are looking for truth you have to reverse the process. You disconnect the emotional center and allow the analytical brain to examine facts; the facts will transmit to our instinct, what we feel at 'gut' level, and there before us is the glaring truth.

If you are still uncertain, there are some things you can count on.

1. When your partner tells you they are moving out to 'get some space to think' but this isn't what they want... they are leaving. Agreeing to wait for them to figure things out means you just allowed them to collar and leash you for future use. Understand that each time it appears you may be going on with your life you will feel a familiar tug on the leash and a reminder of how much they still care and don't want this. If your name is not Rover or some such typical pet name, refuse to respond to the tug.

2. When someone tells you they love you but can't be with you, understand that means they don't plan to be with you; you have been notified.

3. When someone betrays you and then tells you they were confused and didn't really mean to, accept that they made several crystal clear decisions on the way. They are not confused; they don't have the courage to speak the truth. There are many opportunities to reverse betrayal before it actually occurs. When it does, every stop sign has been ignored, intentionally. A choice was made that did not include you or your feelings. If you like the results apply more of the same; if not, execute a change.

4. When your partner engages in the silent treatment, withholds intimacy, screams in rage or gives you an ultimatum to keep them from leaving (assuming your behavior is not out of control or harmful) the message is clear; 'My wants, desires or feelings are more important than yours.' They always will be. You decide how much you are willing to give up appeasing someone who is already heading to the door.

5. People who have other plans have a tendency to create fights that give them an excuse to walk out for the night, leaving them free to do what they already planned. They may take a break from their engagement to call you and apologize just to placate you so you will be there tomorrow. This typically leaves you searching for what elevated a disagreement to the level where it exploded and ready to accept them when they come back. They had plans.

When anyone stands before you with arms crossed, they have made a decision and are not entertaining any of your ideas. Likewise, a partner who approaches you with closed fists is not open to any idea or suggestion. When confusion sets in, turn off the auditory signals and tune into the visual signs. It is a human trait to act on what you really want while it takes far more courage to say what you really mean. People mean what they do.

[Richard]

From all you have said, it appears you are already getting too emotional involved in the relationship. You both agreed to be friends with benefit, so you shouldn't have any problem ending whatever you have with him.

The truth is that, if he told you initially that he wasn't interested in a relationship and you agreed, then don't expect anything more because he isn't going to change his mind. So, I advice you get him out of your head, and go for your date with the new guy next week. Move on and start dating other guys, that's the only way to stop thinking about him

Best wishes!