Friendship or more? Please help!

[strawberry17]

Basically I am best friends with this guy, whom I have known for about a year now and we have gotten very close recently. We spent basically almost every day together over the past few months, all day, and messaging non stop when we were not together. Although we are very close friends there is definitely sexual chemistry between us, longing stares, flirty dancing in clubs etc. He also told me once when drunk that when we first met a year ago at a common friend’s party he was too intimidated to approach me because I was the most beautiful girl there. Even though as I said we have had slightly flirty conversations before, I feel like those are restricted to drunken scenarios and also like he leaves his comments deliberately ambiguous, so that he has plausible deniability over them. As I said, we message a lot etc and also plan things in two, talk in terms of ‘us’ etc but nothing concrete has happened between us, even though sometimes when we are together and acting like a couple I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t know, even though I know I am very bad at letting my feelings show because I am afraid of feeling vulnerable and getting hurt.

Lately though I feel like we had stopped playing games and trying to make each other jealous to get a reaction out of one another, and I was very happy with how things were slowly progressing but I feel like now we are back at it again. He’s been making comments about needing to find a girlfriend, etc etc and I humored him, even though he has not made those comments since the dynamics of our relationship have started to change from friendship into what I was sure was something more. He has made the odd comment about other people he had been with but back then I was 100% convinced from his behaviour and from the way he said it that he was trying to get a reaction out of me and see if I minded. Lately though he has been making more comments like the above and I thought I had maybe misinterpreted things so made some random comments about a guy who asked me out to coffee thinking he wouldn’t care if he is also interested in other people, but as per usual he ignored me and wasn’t supportive, and seemed a bit shocked I would accept. He reacted the way he always did in the past when I would make the odd comment but I thought we were way past playing games. Now he told me his ex asked to see him for dinner and I pretended not to mind, but obviously I do. He didn’t seem impressed by my reaction. I don’t know what to think anymore. I am not the type to overanalyse and interpret something like friendship as more than it is, but I would be ready do admit I might have been wrong despite everything he said and did to make me believe otherwise if it wasn’t for my friends telling me as well that he clearly likes me but that I don’t seem to give him any signs I like him more than a friend. If this sounds like two young and immature people apologies, it’s probably because we both ARE young and immature, in our first year at uni. I just care about him a lot and if I was wrong about him liking me I’d rather stop it now so I don’t get my feelings more hurt. I don’t know whether he was once interested but isn’t anymore, and is now looking at other options, or whether he is once again trying to make me jealous or get a reaction out of me through mentioning other girls because he sees no other way of doing this and because I have not shown him that I like him as more than a friend. I tried to make him jealous by mentioning someone else too but he kind of laughed it off, he used to show that he was bothered by it back in the day but apparently now he’s playing it cool and I really don’t know what to think. Then again, I never show him that I am jealous even if I am so I really don’t know…

[Caleb]

The first thing to understand is that men's emotional responses are almost entirely dictated by biology. It's not that men don't have feelings - in many ways, they feel things more deeply than women. It's just that they're biologically predetermined to handle them in a different way.

Think for a moment about the word emotion, because the clue is in there. E-motion. Emotions are, at their most basic level, signals to take action and start moving in some way. Men feel this very acutely. Brain imaging scans show that high emotions activate all the movement centers of the male brain. If your man gets angry, upset, or even wildly happy, his overwhelming instinct is to get moving. If he's happy, he might leap about the room. If he's angry, he might storm off somewhere.

This is a very different reaction to a woman's. The same brain imaging scans show that high emotions activate the speech and language areas of the female brain. If you get angry, upset or wildly happy, your overwhelming instinct is to talk about it.

The mistake a lot of women make is that they assume men want to talk about their feelings in just the same way. They don't. This is why you can't make him verbalize his feelings. In fact, the more you cajole or plead with him to talk about it, the more emotional he's going to feel, which will really make him want to get away as quickly as possible.

It's also worth bearing in mind that, in a very real way, high levels of emotion are dangerous for men. Because they're primarily designed to get him moving, emotions place a lot of stress on the heart - high levels of anger, for instance, are a major predictor of heart disease. More men drop dead during arguments than women, and they instinctively know this, which is why they're inclined to avoid emotional conversations of any sort.

This still leaves you with a need for emotional support - you just need to understand that trying to make him verbalize his feelings will not meet that need. Instead, you have to create the sort of environment where it is safe for him to discuss his feelings, by letting him know that there is no pressure and that it will not lead to a damaging confrontation. If you really must have an emotional conversation with him, try doing it when you're both out for a walk, as this will take care of his need to get moving. Above all, a little understanding of your differences will go a long way towards getting the type of support you both need.

[Lily]

Show Him That You're Completely and Utterly Accepting

One of the main reasons many men don't share their feeling s unconditionally with their mate is that they fear they won't be accepted. If you are the type of woman who is painfully honest that can work against you when it comes to building a strong communication connection with your man. It's obviously very important to always be as honest as possible within your relationship but if your man feels that you are going to criticize him, he'll pull back and shut you out.

You can build a strong base of acceptance if you show him that you love him just as he is. Don't try and change the man he is and don't make derogatory comments about him or the choices he has made in his life.

One area that can hugely impact your own connection with your current love is if you have become someone who constantly reminds him how foolish it was to get involved with his ex girlfriend. Many men have regrets when it comes to past loves and if you make fun or point a finger at how unwise his part decisions in love were, you are going to alienate him. You have to be willing to accept him as is, past warts and all. Once your man feels that you love him, in spite of all the baggage he brings to your relationship, he'll feel closer to you and will be more likely to share his current feelings.

Create a Comforting Environment for Him to Share In

If your world is always filled with drama, you're going to discover that your man isn't all that keen on sharing the intimate details of what he's feeling. The reason is very simple. If he senses that you turn everything into a theatrical circus, he's not going to want to place himself in the middle of that. If a man believes that his woman will react in an over the top or emotional way, he will keep everything to himself. He doesn't want to tell you he's not ready for a commitment or he wants a break if he senses that you'll fall apart at the seams. You need to show him that you're emotionally mature enough to handle anything he throws your way.

To accomplish this it's important to be ready for any curve ball that he may throw in your direction. Always expect the unexpected from him. If he does share some feelings that are difficult for you to absorb, tell him as much in a calm way. Simply state that you appreciate his honesty but you need some time to process what he just shared with you. If you can do this, he'll feel more inclined to share everything he's feeling because he'll know that you can handle it in a mature and rational way.

Don't Be Too Eager to Always Share Your Innermost Feelings

One of the major hurdles that many couples need to get over is that one person is too quick, too eager or too assertive when it comes to sharing what they feel. Typically women take on this role. We feel so much for the man we're involved with that we just allow the emotional floodgates to swing open and we start rattling off everything we're feeling.

If your man isn't ready to share what he feels with you, he's going to feel cornered or pressured. If we're being honest, we can agree that we have a certain level of expectation that comes with sharing our hearts with a man. At the very least we expect him to reciprocate those feelings. If he doesn't, we feel embarrassed, he feels uncomfortable and the entire dynamic of the relationship changes.

A good rule to follow is to allow him to set the pace for the sharing of feelings. You may worry that this will result in confusion and a string of misunderstandings about what the relationship really is and where it's headed. When a man falls in love, he wants to share that with the woman of his desire. He wants to do that on his own timetable. He doesn't want to feel pressured into saying it before he feels completely ready. That's why you should accept the relationship for what it is, embrace the experiences you have and show him that you're the type of woman who will give him the emotional room he needs to sort through his feelings. If you can master that, you'll be well on your way to a deep connection with a man who feels you understand him. He'll see you as someone who is ready, willing and happy to wait for him to want to share his feelings when he feels ready.