My Intuition Tells Me There Is A Connection But I Am Unsure How To Encourage Him?

[Alexa]

I wanted to ask about a man that I know and seek your insight about him. It is also important for you to know that I have been doing a huge amount of work an myself as a result of domestic violence. I have been working hard to break patterns of behavior in order to attract the kind of man who deserves me and whom I deserve. I believe now, that I deserve better.

I am a teacher and have met a teacher ( the vice principal in fact!) whom I find compelling on many levels. This is the first time that I have ever felt such an attraction for a colleague and an equal.

My observations suggest that he is interested - I have caught him sneaking glances at me, he is open with me in conversation. We talk quite openly - he has shared personal information about friend of his who is having a breakdown for example. I have a child and he has engaged in conversation about her and social things. When we talk I notice that he does watch me, others have said that he follows me with his eyes around the room when we are on duty together. Last week he actually sat with me and ate his lunch and his body language was very open, facing me directly and asking the students to leave us alone as we were talking!

There are many other examples that I could cite - he comes to my room to respond to work related emails rather than replying, he lets me tease him good naturedly and he has said that he finds me hilarious! I have one other trusted colleague who says she has observed him looking at me when I am completely unaware.

My intuition tells me there is a connection but I am unsure how to create the safe space to encourage him. He is shy, professional and has a lot of integrity, a man I respect enormously. I would not want to jepordise that or our respective careers.

Thank you for your insight and opinion.

[Malvin]

Hi Alexa,

First I will say you express yourself clearly and you know what you want Alexa. You are reading this gentleman correctly. You know his intentions from his clear and transparent behaviour.

It is also positive that you both talk and share openly with each other. It is one of the main qualities I insist on in all my clients I work with.

To be open, confident and "Authentic" as yourself.

How ever I will say...Don't rush, take your time. There is a lot to be said for good old fashioned "Courting"...Getting to know each other as Human Beings...Building trust, to know each other and feeling relaxed and comfortable in each others company Melanie...Sex is to be the cherry on the cake.

To many modern relationships is about sex first, then finding out later on that really you don't like that person.

I strongly suggest Melanie you spend time getting to "know" each other, building trust and deepening "intimacy". Sex will natural happen and more likely will be far more enjoyable and fulfilling as you have spent time building those emotional and psychological bonds.

Be sensitive to each other needs.

As for building a safe place...That answer is very simple...Be you Melanie, be the Authentic You!

He will sense and feel that in you.

There is one thing above all others that a Man wants to feel in a Woman, Melanie...More than sex, even more than love.

That he can "Trust" her....And that is exactly the same as a woman wants to feel in a man...Trust!

Trust is the foundation stone for building a successful, deep and fulfilling relationship Melanie.

The only issue I would like to bring to your attention. Is that when you enter an "intimate" relationship, you both have to make a clear distinction, boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

I know from personal experience, that if this distinction is not agreed upon and understood by you both it can lead to messy complications in your personal relationship.

How ever I know personally couples who have successful personal professional careers and enjoy a great relationship and mutually support each other.

And in my case the ending of that particular relationship.

I am a professional myself Melanie and have a clear boundary between my personal and professional life. And it works successfully.

I will say take your time. I will also say, he may well be considering the same issues you have mentioned in your e mail.

He is attracted to you and likes you, maybe shy, but he is giving the signals which you are reading.

However, both of you have the added dynamic of being in the same profession in the same establishment. If you are thinking about this Melanie, so will he be.

Start seeing each other out side of work.

You mentioned about creating a safe space for him. Where is that safe space going to be...Outside of work!

Not only a safe space for him, also for yourself too. Where you can relax and drop the professional teacher and be the woman you are. And he can relax too. So you both be able to get to know each other in a more relaxed and intimate way.

[Lily]

It can be very confusing to be in this kind of situation. This hot-then-cold treatment may even lead you to think that there's something wrong with the way you are handling things. But before you doubt yourself, step back and look at the bigger picture. There could be many reasons why he can't muster the courage to ask you out - and you can do something about them.

1. He's getting mixed signals. He's not sure whether you'll accept his invitation or reject it because you seem interested one minute and then really casual the next. He's afraid that you'll reject him.

What you can do: Keep the interest level high, and don't give him signals that will make him think you'll crush his confidence when he does ask you out. Keep that window of opportunity open. Flirt back consistently, and you'll find yourself on a real date with him.

2. The attraction is purely physical. He loves flirting with you because he appreciates the way you look and the way you carry yourself. However, he might be iffy about asking you out because he doesn't think there can be more to it than just sex. He respects you enough not to make you a 'one-night stand,' so he doesn't take that next step.

What you can do: Show him that you both can take things to an emotional level as well. Talk about things that are more personal. Show genuine interest in his hobbies and his life, rather than just his looks.

3. He's involved with someone else. He enjoys your company, your attention, and he is most definitely attracted to you, but he currently has a girlfriend, or worse - a wife! Clearly, he does not want to be honest about being involved with someone else.

What you can do: Look him straight in the eyes and casually ask if he is indeed involved with someone else. Ask him if that's the reason why - after all the time you've spent flirting with each other - he still hasn't asked you out. He will most probably tell you the truth. If he denies it and can't give you a straight answer, then it's time to stop stressing over him. He's not worth it.

Remember - don't fuss too much about a guy who flirts with you but won't ask you out. Maybe he's just not that into you. If he is, then just wait - he will come around soon enough.

[Alexa]

Thank you Malvin and Lily for your helpful advice.

[Sally Amorim]

It seems to me he is really interested in you. But it is hard to say it it a willing for friendship or something more.
Nevertheless, any friendship can move to love some day )