Should I try to start texting/talking to a guy I've had sex with?

[erixasong]

So I've been friends with this guy for over a year. Me, him and three other guys were super close (we used to talk and hang out every day). Well the guy I'm talking about (call him M) moved to a different country. I had a falling out with the other guys in the group (in fact, i dated one of them and it ended up with the worst breakup I've ever been through and M really helped me through that situation). I visited M in the country he moved to (prior to visiting him, we always flirted and had something going on. he told me he loved me and everything. Mind you, him and I and all these other guys would talk every single day but that's no longer the case since I fell out with everyone else). So I went to see M and we had sex every night I was there. The sex in the beginning wasn't very good and we were both up front about it, but towards the end of my trip, it became really good. Anyways, he told me during that trip that he loves me and cares about me and thinks we are going to be friends for a long time, and he's coming back to visit. Heres, the thing: we would all talk everyday as a group but one on one, M and I never talked that often. Since I got back from my trip, I started messaging him a few times and he would always let the conversation die and he would never really ask me how I'm doing or anything. I totally understand his perspective, we're definitely not a couple and we never had this relationship before where we would talk everyday and I'm pretty sure he's going out with other girls. I just want to tell him I miss him and that I'm thinking about him but I'm scared that I'm going to come off as needy and desperate and especially since he hasn't made much of an effort to talk to me since. And I understand he's in a different country, he works like 13 hours a day and he probably has other things going on. But do you think this means that he just wanted to have sex with me and then leave me alone afterwards? Is it because in the beginning the sex wasn't that good? When I was with him and I was about to leave he told me how much he'll miss me and blah blah but I know guys just say things and they don't really mean it. He was one of my best friends but since I had the falling out with the other guys, I don't think that's the case anymore and maybe those other guys are talking crap about me and that's why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He's the type of guy to be with so many different women and just have sex with them, so do you think I got played? Should I move on or could I message him something flirty? If he doesnt respond in a good way, should I just completely dead him and the whole situation and move on? Please help, I'm really an emotional wreck and I would appreciate any advice.

[Julia]

Before you can work at reconnecting with him, you have to face the reality that intimacy changed things dramatically. Many women in your position try to explain away the man's behavior by thinking that he got very busy after they made love or he is so overwhelmed by desire, that he has to take a step back just so he can breathe. Neither of these is the case at all. He's ignoring you now because he's uncomfortable. Chances are very good that he realized that you were intimate with him too early in the relationship and it turned him off.

It's often hard for a woman to wrap her head around this type of reaction from a man. After all, he was the one who was in hot pursuit of you before you two slept together, right? So how could he possibly find it unappealing once you did? Simple. In his mind if you're intimate with him that quickly, you're doing the same thing with every other man you've dated.

Moving from that mindset back to being attracted to you again is definitely possible. It's up to you to make it happen though. You need to grab his interest back. That may seem too challenging given the fact that he's ignoring you, but there are definite ways.

Start by calling him up and leaving him a voicemail. Make it short and sweet and just say that you'd really enjoy meeting up for coffee or lunch. Don't sound desperate. Loads of self confidence is the key.

If he doesn't return the call, send him a text with the same message. If he is still interested at all he'll respond. Meet with him and keep things very light. Talk about general issues like the weather or what's happening in the news. Ask him about his work. Smile and laugh. Let him see that you're able to hold your head up high and move forward after your dating blunder.

Keep all your future meetings carefree and innocent. If he starts to see all the other aspects of your personality shining through he's bound to find you intriguing all over again. Once enough time has passed and you feel that there's a strong intellectual connection there, then reintroduce sex into the relationship.

[Clinton]

You don't have to give up on him just yet. There are simple ways to regain his interest.

Understanding how to get him to chase you after you have had sex with him begins with understanding exactly what happened. It's natural for a woman to assume that a man found the experience unappealing and that's his motivation for running in the other direction. That's incredibly unlikely. Men love intimacy but unfortunately they make some strong assumptions about a woman if she shares her body too soon. If you two slept together after only knowing each other for a short time he may actually decide that you're too easy. Once a man labels you that way his interest falls off very quickly.

If he believes that you slept with him too soon he's going to assume that you did the same with every other man you've ever dated. Your intimacy habits are your business alone and it's not for any man to judge you based on what you did with him. Sadly some men do just that and they then decide that pursuing a relationship with you won't be worth it.

In order to get him to change his mind about you and your approach to relationships, you have to shift the focus of the relationship and you need to do that quickly. Since he's not reaching out to you anymore, you need to take on that role. Men aren't impressed with women who chase after them so you can't make your interest in him too obvious. It's best to contact him and just ask how he is. Small talk is your best friend right now and you can use it to get him to see that there's much more to you than your role as an intimate partner.

Invite him out for a friend type outing. It might be a lunch or even just to grab a quick cup of coffee late in the afternoon. Don't mention the words date or relationship at all. You need and want to appear easy going about this and as though you don't have an investment in him. Once you do see him, again talk about anything but sex or what happened. Allow your personality to come through your words and show him that you're dynamic and interesting in all kinds of ways. He'll soon start to see that you're a woman who has a lot going for her and dating you will be what he focuses on more than how you two were intimate so early.

[erixasong]

Thank you very much, I appreciate this a lot. I'm a little confused though, we've been friends for over a year and a half, and I turned him down once after a couple of months of us first meeting. Also, the whole thing with him grabbing coffee isn't really possible because he lives in a different country now LOL. I have tried to talk to him a couple of times and he responds right away but the conversation doesn't really go anywhere. I'm not sure we were intimate so early, it's almost two years since I've known him and he started to pursue me right away. Do you think he doesn't want to be with me anymore because the "chase" is no longer there? And does it seem too desperate if I start up some conversation for small talk?