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Hey y'all. This will be long but hopefully worth your time. Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond 
Background about me: 31 years old, single. Six months out of a serious-ish relationship. I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling pretty confident in myself and my desirability in general. Been dating for six months now. I've not been headstrong on finding a relationship, mostly just having fun but keeping my eye open for a girl who's really compatible with me.
Went on a date with a girl through Bumble (an app like Tinder). I was impressed with the first date and took her out again the next week. We got some food, drinks, and laughed and talked and got to know each other. She dropped into conversation that she recently got out of a two year relationship, and was "trying to figure things out". That seemed like a small red flag to me. I've had bad experiences trying to date women who were recently single.
Towards the end of the date she grabbed me and kissed me. The sparks were flying at this point, and I was feeling a bit smitten. Though something told me that I needed more clarification. As we were both about to say good night (I didn't think sex was in the works that evening), I said to her:
Me: So, not to make things heavy or anything, but what are looking for?
Her: No, thank you for asking! I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm looking for anything serious. Or casual for that matter.
Me: Hm, okay. Well that's cool. I mean I'm interested in you but let's just see what happens.
She gave me a big kiss and said, "see you soon." I let things breathe for a day or two but honestly had a bad feeling about it. She then texted me with this:
Her: Hey! I had a really good time the other night and I'm obviously very attracted to you, but I just don't know what I want right now and I don't want to waste your time.
Some people might not read this as her flat out saying she didn't want to see me again, but I saw it as her saying pretty clearly, "Don't invest much in me." In other words, it's her very polite way of saying she's not interested. I wasn't keen on dragging things out, and I definitely wasn't looking for an eff-buddy situation.
Me: Well that's disappointing but I understand. You've been the first girl in a while I've cared to go on a second date with. But you can't change where you're at and I respect that. Just drop me a line if you do figure out what you want.
Her: Well thank you! I appreciate that.
I know in dating there's something to be said for mystery, making the girl chase, etc... and in the past I definitely hid my feelings when I liked a girl. But experience showed me that it really didn't make a difference and just complicated things. Also, my therapist has strongly encouraged me not to be afraid to communicate.
But still, there's this nagging, pathologically anxious side of my brain that keeps saying, "Had you just played the game right and not shown so much interest, you could have made her come around." FWIW I've played that angle with women in the past and it didn't work.
My female friends assure me that dating doesn't come down to these trifling, microscopic errors. If a person feels a certain way about you, there's not much that'll change that - certainly not asking, "what are you looking for?". That's the narrative I want to believe. I do feel like she was simply on her own trajectory and that trajectory didn't include me. I want to be at peace with that, but the rejection still stings, and makes me wonder if I couldn't have played it a bit cooler with her.
What are your thoughts?
Did I talk about serious stuff too soon?
Did she pick up on my affection for her and get turned off?
Or does literally none of this matter, and it would have ended up the same way no matter what?
Background about me: 31 years old, single. Six months out of a serious-ish relationship. I'm at a point in my life where I'm feeling pretty confident in myself and my desirability in general. Been dating for six months now. I've not been headstrong on finding a relationship, mostly just having fun but keeping my eye open for a girl who's really compatible with me.
Went on a date with a girl through Bumble (an app like Tinder). I was impressed with the first date and took her out again the next week. We got some food, drinks, and laughed and talked and got to know each other. She dropped into conversation that she recently got out of a two year relationship, and was "trying to figure things out". That seemed like a small red flag to me. I've had bad experiences trying to date women who were recently single.
Towards the end of the date she grabbed me and kissed me. The sparks were flying at this point, and I was feeling a bit smitten. Though something told me that I needed more clarification. As we were both about to say good night (I didn't think sex was in the works that evening), I said to her:
Me: So, not to make things heavy or anything, but what are looking for?
Her: No, thank you for asking! I know you don't want to hear this, but I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm looking for anything serious. Or casual for that matter.
Me: Hm, okay. Well that's cool. I mean I'm interested in you but let's just see what happens.
She gave me a big kiss and said, "see you soon." I let things breathe for a day or two but honestly had a bad feeling about it. She then texted me with this:
Her: Hey! I had a really good time the other night and I'm obviously very attracted to you, but I just don't know what I want right now and I don't want to waste your time.
Some people might not read this as her flat out saying she didn't want to see me again, but I saw it as her saying pretty clearly, "Don't invest much in me." In other words, it's her very polite way of saying she's not interested. I wasn't keen on dragging things out, and I definitely wasn't looking for an eff-buddy situation.
Me: Well that's disappointing but I understand. You've been the first girl in a while I've cared to go on a second date with. But you can't change where you're at and I respect that. Just drop me a line if you do figure out what you want.
Her: Well thank you! I appreciate that.
I know in dating there's something to be said for mystery, making the girl chase, etc... and in the past I definitely hid my feelings when I liked a girl. But experience showed me that it really didn't make a difference and just complicated things. Also, my therapist has strongly encouraged me not to be afraid to communicate.
But still, there's this nagging, pathologically anxious side of my brain that keeps saying, "Had you just played the game right and not shown so much interest, you could have made her come around." FWIW I've played that angle with women in the past and it didn't work.
My female friends assure me that dating doesn't come down to these trifling, microscopic errors. If a person feels a certain way about you, there's not much that'll change that - certainly not asking, "what are you looking for?". That's the narrative I want to believe. I do feel like she was simply on her own trajectory and that trajectory didn't include me. I want to be at peace with that, but the rejection still stings, and makes me wonder if I couldn't have played it a bit cooler with her.
What are your thoughts?
Did I talk about serious stuff too soon?
Did she pick up on my affection for her and get turned off?
Or does literally none of this matter, and it would have ended up the same way no matter what?
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