I like him, but he doesn't value me

[Girl]

We're not in a relationship yet. We met a week ago and we've seen each other every day since. He'd call me and say: "Hey, I'm at ..., do you wanna come, I wanna see you?". And other times, I would call and say the same thing. So, no official dates. Wednesday(the 4th day) he asked me if i had anything planned for the next evening. He invited me to come at his house (he lives alone). Well the next day we met beforehand, and he seemed pretty excited for the evening, he said he'd pick me up, because he lives on the other side of the city. When the evening came, he texted me to call him when I'm free". I called and he didn't seem to be as excited, it was like, he was doing me a favour. He told me he won't drive, but I should call a cab, and gave me the address. It was pretty late already but he said it didn't matter when I come, as long as I come. I hung up and it just didn't feel right. I didn't want to be a one-night stand girl who has to take a cab to his house at a late hour, or make him feel like he's doing me a favour. I want a real relationship with this guy, with real dates, and waiting more than 5 days to have sex. What should I do to be more valued? To make him want to treat me better? me 18 y.o., him 19 y.o.

[Clinton]

The reason he doesn't seem to value you is because you accept everything he tells you. So, to make yourself valued, don't always agree to every suggestion he brings, disagree with some or even most.

[Becky]

Many women who are in relationships often give too much to their partner. Often too late, they realize that their romantic partner is not afraid of losing them. No, he is not. If your guy is not afraid of losing you, you need to sit back and ask yourself why. The quick and easy answer to this is because they have no fear that you would ever leave them. You have made it to easy for them. After all, they have seen you tolerate their countless nonsense, bad behavior and bad manners, so what's one more time going to hurt? You are the one getting hurt, not him. So why should he stop for fear of losing you? Since you haven't left yet, he doubts you ever will. When you make abnormal behavior acceptable in a relationship, it becomes the norm in your relationship. This is the fastest, quickest and easiest route to a dysfunctional relationship.

If you want him to fear losing you, you will have to stand up for yourself. No one is afraid of a weakling. A strong, empowered woman knows that she has to back up her words (or ultimatums) with actions and her punishment with actions. If you don't mean it, he will not believe you. If he knows you are terrified of losing him, no matter what he does to you, how could you possibly expect him to have any fear of losing you whatsoever? When you show him you will stay with him, compromising your own self-respect, dignity, and happiness, why should he be afraid of losing you? He shouldn't and he won't!

You want him, or any other man you date or have a relationship with, to have a natural, normal fear that if they screw up badly, they will lose you. But in order for that to happen, the first time he screws up so badly you have to end things, end them in a believable way, even if you are just making a point and hoping he will beg your forgiveness. If it is not believable, the fear goes out the window and you are scary as a puppy. Think about all the things we fear. We are afraid of these things because they will either cause us to lose something, hurt us or kill us? That's where most fears come from, fear of death, loss or pain, don't they? If you are the only one feeling any pain or loss, then why should you expect him to be afraid? Do you think he will be afraid of your tears, your pain or your broken heart? He won't!

A good place to start working on healthy fears in a relationship is to examine your own fears first. If your fear of losing him is so great it allows you to tolerate his bad behavior without taking a stand you will never get the relationship to have proper balance or mutual respect. If you are afraid to risk losing a relationship that is not working, you need to realize why you allow yourself to stay in a relationship where you are under valued and not respected. Remember, once they lose respect for you their feelings will change anyway, it is just a matter of time. Why? Because you cannot really love what you do not respect. By putting up with intolerable behavior you may hold on to him longer. But expect the bad treatment to continue, or get worse, because you have taught him he can do terrible things to you and won't lose you. Don't expect him to feel too guilty either. If your hurt feelings are not enough for you to put yourself first, you can't expect him to put your feelings first either.

If you want him to be afraid of losing you because he won't tell you how he feels, then stop telling him your feelings as a first step. If you want him to be afraid of losing you because he has no time for you, stop making time for him. If he hasn't already made a commitment to you, then certainly don't act and behave like you are already committed to him. If you want him to be afraid of losing you if he cheats, then if he does, end the relationship immediately and go quiet for a while. If you want him to be afraid of losing you, then you have to act like he is losing you when he does the things you consider deal breakers.

If the man you love disappears on you out of the blue and then shows back up in your life out of the blue you should realize there is a good chance he does this because you showed him that he can and that he can get away with it. He is not afraid of losing you because he has done this so many times and you never moved on, found someone else, or turned him away. Sure, you may have bitched at him about it, but he is not afraid of your words. He would only be afraid of you moving on or turning him away when he comes back. Have you done either of those things? If you have not, don't sit around dumbfounded that he did it again and again. You have to see how he is not afraid of losing you. Every time you allowed it to happen you proved to him that he can do it again and should fear losing you when he does. So your choices are to either to find the courage to address this situation head-on or accept the fact that he will never be afraid of losing you.

It is time to accept certain facts. If you truly believe he can change and that he loves you, then it is time to put your foot down. If he really can't change, why keep waiting for change that may never come? Most people only change when they have to, so shouldn't you make him HAVE TO? If you are hanging in there because you believe he doesn't love you enough to change or that he doesn't have it in him, then what are you doing with him anyway? How long should you be unhappy before it dawns on you that being in this relationship makes you unhappy? You deserve happiness, either with him or without him? If being with him makes you totally miserable,, it is time you faced your fears of losing him!

Why should you let your fear drive YOU? Why are you so afraid to demand respect? Why do you fear telling him how you want him to treat you? Are you like that with everyone in your life or just with him? If it is just with him, then you need to ask yourself why you changed for the worse for someone who treats you worse than anyone else in your life does. Why would you want to be with someone who does not bring out the best in you and instead brings out the worst in you? Until you are strong enough to admit you may lose him, you are only going to continue to lose yourself to the point where you no longer even recognize the woman you have become.

Not every man will fear losing you. Many men withdraw and mistreat women as a way to get rid of them. The problem is many woman simply won't let go and instead will hang on tighter than ever. Sometimes we simply are not valued by the people we love the most, but either way, don't you want to know the truth or do you just want to waste more and more of your time living in fantasy land? Just because you believe in fairytales or miracles does not mean they will come true for you.

Keep in mind that by standing your ground and creating and enforcing healthy boundaries does not insure he will step up to the plate. Each relationship is unique, and he may simply not be afraid of losing you because he doesn't care enough or love you enough to do what is right. He may enjoy the unhealthy dysfunctional relationship that you have and resist any change. We can tell you if he will regret losing you and will step up to the plate or if he will let you go and find someone else to treat like dirt. What you do with that information is entirely up to you.

Fear can keep us from taking the one we love for granted, keep us from stepping out of line, or doing something to risk losing the one we love. If only one person in a relationship has that fear, the relationship will forever be one-sided. It will never grow, mature, or last. It is time to face your fear of losing a relationship that is going no where. It is time to create a little fear for the one you love, or it is simply time to let go and move on to something better.

If he does not value you, or the relationship he shares with you, how can you value yourself? You can't. You won't. Because if you did, you would get away from this idiot who places so little value on you.. So why do you continue to place value on the relationship? Why are you so afraid of letting it go? It wont bother him if you did let it go anyway, so why are you still holding on to him?

What it all boils down to is that a little fear in a relationship is actually healthy for the relationship. When both parties have a natural fear of losing each other they respect the relationship and each other. When you are the only one with fear in the relationship, the fear grows, and so does the neglect and mistreatment. There is a chance to get healthy fear back into your relationship before it is too late. You owe it to yourself to discover if it is really possible, and how to go about making your relationship better.