Hot and cold?

[Rubysmalls1993]

So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as im taking it as hes not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think im not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him loose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?

[Julia]

The first thing you're likely to do when your boyfriend is acting distant is try and get him to talk about what's bothering him. It's understandable that you'd do this as you want to flesh out the problem and fix it. The reason this approach usually fails is that he just doesn't feel open to talking about it because he's anticipating that you're going to get overly emotional on him. You likely would, right? So instead he'll just prolong things until they reach a point where you're both so uncomfortable with each other that a break up is the only solution. That's why it's best to not push him to talk. Instead, you're going to take some action that will change the dynamic between you two fairly quickly.

If your boyfriend needs space and he's made that clear to you by pulling back, you need to mimic his behavior. You have to give him that space, regardless of how much it hurts you to do so. If he was satisfied and fulfilled in the relationship this wouldn't be happening. That's why you need to determine what changed and what you can do to remedy it. Think about the relationship in general and what he's complained about. That's what you need to work on repairing.

Giving your boyfriend some time alone is essential to keeping him in love with you. You need to show him that you respect his needs so tell him that you feel that a bit of time apart would be helpful for you both. Then apologize for whatever you've done that you believe has contributed to his feeling distant. After that, work on changing it. Don't make promises about how things will be different in the future. Just change the things you know need changing.

Quite often what happens in a situation like this is the man gets his distance and then very quickly realizes he doesn't want it. Being apart means that you'll miss each other. Once he has some time alone and he realizes that you're putting in the effort to improve the relationship, it's very likely that he'll see things much differently. The key is to not panic, let him go and make those improvements in you. This will show him that you believe he's worth your love and every man wants to feel that from the woman they're with.

[John]

Distance in a relationship is a huge problem that many women face at one time or another. Everything seems to be going fine with the relationship, but suddenly the guy starts to get more distant. Learn what some of the reasons that a guy from time to time might do this in a relationship.

One of the more common reasons is that he is tired of the constant conflict or fighting. While you might feel it's getting resolved when it does happen, at times a guy can check out of the relationship after he gets tired of it. When this happens he will start to appear to be more distant since that is exactly what he is doing.

He might not intentionally be pulling away but is just comfortable with the relationship. In the beginning he tried really hard to get your attention and impress you. After he is comfortable, many times he relaxes his efforts - and this appears as if he is now more distant.

You have to realize that you might just be missing him or wanting something from him. He might not be distant at all just below your expectations for what he should be.

It's not always your fault he might be distancing himself from you, but sometimes it is. Are you doing something that is bothering him? Do you have an annoying habit that he doesn't like? Think about if you have changed which could be the cause of this distance.

There is a gender difference. One of these is that guys just aren't quite as open as girls generally are. He might have had moments where he opened up, but this might not be something that happens everyday. It might not be a distance but just how he is.

Unfortunately he might be interested in someone else but too scared to tell you or break it off. This does happen at times.

It can be hard to understand when a guy starts to pull away. Take a deep breath, think through the options, and make a plan that will protect you and give the relationship a fighting chance.

[PRW]

Women solve their problems by talking about them. Men solve their problems by going into their "Fortress of Solitude" and thinking about them in silence. These are exact opposites, so when women have problems men need to learn to just let her talk and be good listeners,...when men have problems women need to learn that they need space instead of doing it the woman's way which will backfire.

He said something important here, "He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him". Men often get dumped or cheated on when they are the typical "nice guy". The woman sees him as a push-over and looses respect for him then either dumps him or cheats. How many times have you heard a guy say, "I've done everything for her!,...treated her like gold!,...and this is the thanks I get from her!" He may be worried he is following that pattern with you and is trying to avoid that.

I any case, don't smother him. Give him room to think. Demonstrate to him that you are "solid" and have it all together, not needy and clingy,...fake it till you make it if you have to. Whatever is going on will eventually show itself.