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10 months dating a widower whose wife passed 2 1/2 years ago after a 45 year union.
I struggled. I didn't demand that her clothes be emptied from wardrobes. I expected him to go through the process of welcoming a new partner into his life with honesty and transparency and to slowly reduce personal effects. I wanted her memory cherished, I expected to see some photos still visible. What I didn't expect was to see my photos facing a wall when I visited one weekend. Told it was because he didn't want to get into personal questions with his cleaner I could not get it out of my mind that his adult children's photos graced the back of my photos which meant someone had to face to wall each day. It felt like his home reverted to his and his deceased wifes home, still married in memory, when I was not present. More frames were bought after I raised it but more photos of his wife were placed around. Gosh I was confused.
I did meet his family and friends and socialise welcoming with them, but never with any affection (hand holding,etc.). One friend asked what we were to be told we were friends.... Most of the time. The excuse was that the guy was a strange character and the question was strange. Not in my eyes.
We went overseas on what I thought was going to be a loving holiday. He was always affectionate in private prior to this. He travelled with his deceased wifes photo as his screen saver on his Ipad which he opened several times a day. So on awakening and on going to bed her image was present. Affection was non existent, his feeling unwell prompted him to remember his wifes final weeks. I wasn't aware of his trauma and felt shut out.
One of his family members told me before we left that I would only ever be a friend and companion. He had been telling me that he loved me and wanted a future. What as, now I wonder in hindsight?
I ended the relationship last week, well what I thought was a relationship. I pointed out my hurt, things that had occurred and that he needed to grieve properly before considering trying to have a relationship. Now we are enemies as he feels I've attacked him relentlessly. I needed to be heard.
Neither of us are spring chickens. He's 14 years my senior.
All of my family and friends know of him but I did not introduce him to friends. Not shame, not hiding him. I wasn't sure what I was to him and was frightened of my friends seeing my love for him and not seeing it reciprocated. I was fearful that when it ended that I would be questioned and feel a fool.
It's upset him that I didn't show him off. How could I and uphold my pride. I needed some security, some evidence in front of his family and friends that I was a new chapter in his life and not just a gap filler.
I admired him, his deceased wife and family. I only wanted to have my time with him feeling loved as I loved him.
Where to now? I don't know.
This pain is immeasurable but I know that I deserve more.
Dating a widower is the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done. It's definitely not for everyone and there is often no light at the end of the tunnel.
I struggled. I didn't demand that her clothes be emptied from wardrobes. I expected him to go through the process of welcoming a new partner into his life with honesty and transparency and to slowly reduce personal effects. I wanted her memory cherished, I expected to see some photos still visible. What I didn't expect was to see my photos facing a wall when I visited one weekend. Told it was because he didn't want to get into personal questions with his cleaner I could not get it out of my mind that his adult children's photos graced the back of my photos which meant someone had to face to wall each day. It felt like his home reverted to his and his deceased wifes home, still married in memory, when I was not present. More frames were bought after I raised it but more photos of his wife were placed around. Gosh I was confused.
I did meet his family and friends and socialise welcoming with them, but never with any affection (hand holding,etc.). One friend asked what we were to be told we were friends.... Most of the time. The excuse was that the guy was a strange character and the question was strange. Not in my eyes.
We went overseas on what I thought was going to be a loving holiday. He was always affectionate in private prior to this. He travelled with his deceased wifes photo as his screen saver on his Ipad which he opened several times a day. So on awakening and on going to bed her image was present. Affection was non existent, his feeling unwell prompted him to remember his wifes final weeks. I wasn't aware of his trauma and felt shut out.
One of his family members told me before we left that I would only ever be a friend and companion. He had been telling me that he loved me and wanted a future. What as, now I wonder in hindsight?
I ended the relationship last week, well what I thought was a relationship. I pointed out my hurt, things that had occurred and that he needed to grieve properly before considering trying to have a relationship. Now we are enemies as he feels I've attacked him relentlessly. I needed to be heard.
Neither of us are spring chickens. He's 14 years my senior.
All of my family and friends know of him but I did not introduce him to friends. Not shame, not hiding him. I wasn't sure what I was to him and was frightened of my friends seeing my love for him and not seeing it reciprocated. I was fearful that when it ended that I would be questioned and feel a fool.
It's upset him that I didn't show him off. How could I and uphold my pride. I needed some security, some evidence in front of his family and friends that I was a new chapter in his life and not just a gap filler.
I admired him, his deceased wife and family. I only wanted to have my time with him feeling loved as I loved him.
Where to now? I don't know.
This pain is immeasurable but I know that I deserve more.
Dating a widower is the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done. It's definitely not for everyone and there is often no light at the end of the tunnel.
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