He arrives at mine before the agreed time, and gets defensive when I point that to him...

[patatipatata]

I have been dating this guy for 3 months and we sometimes meet at mine. This has been happening a few times now where we agree for him to come over at a certain time and he arrives earlier.

Like for example we agree he arriving at mine at 1pm and he's at the door at 12:30pm, without even asking anything on the phone or through text. We are still on the early stages of dating and I find this abusive.

The last time he went even further. We agreed he would come to mine at 7pm and at 6:10pm he sent me a message saying that he was already near my house (he lives 40 minutes away) and that he was going to a nearby coffee shop to get a coffee. I felt instantly that he was trying to come over earlier and trying for me to say something like "hey I'm ready, come over now". I just responded "ok".

Then after 10 minutes or so, around 6:25pm, he sends me another message asking if he can come over... I was busy getting ready and found all this very aggravating and abusive. I mean, I would like to take my time to get ready and meet at the agreed time: at 3pm, with no pressure.

Well I ended up telling him this. That I didn't like it, especially the way he did it, trying for me to say something so he could come over sooner. I didn't expect his reaction, but he got really upset and we went into an argument where he said he was hurt and that I was trying to make him look like a bad person and etc. And that he doesn't find that disrespectful, to come over earlier.

I don't buy into this kind of thing and told him to not turn this on me, because he was the one crossing my boundaries. That being respectful is showing up at 3pm as agreed (or any other time as agreed) an that's it.

So I wasn't expecting this but I guess he revelead his true colours. What can you say about this? Looking for advice. Thank you!

[Zinok]

I think you did exactly what you should have done.
You communicated to him the issue you had, then you didn't take any shit when he tried to turn it against you.

In the end, it's very reasonable for you to request he doesn't show up early to your dates, because that is an invasion of your space, and like you said, you need time to get ready. Maybe you need time to decompress after work/school/whatever before going out. Regardless of the reason, it's your time. If he was like, 10 min early, that's different. But almost an hour early? That's not cool. And his reaction to you communicating it bothered you is concerning, it would have been very easy and rational for him to just say, "okay, I didn't realize this was an issue for you, I'll be sure to be on time next time." You're not asking for a drastic shift in his behaviour or attitude, it's not a difficult thing for him to do.

Stick to your guns. Don't engage in his manipulation where he tries to get your pity. You did nothing wrong, and he's acting immature.
If he continues to act immature over something this trivial, is he worth your time?

[patatipatata]

I think you did exactly what you should have done.
You communicated to him the issue you had, then you didn't take any shit when he tried to turn it against you.

In the end, it's very reasonable for you to request he doesn't show up early to your dates, because that is an invasion of your space, and like you said, you need time to get ready. Maybe you need time to decompress after work/school/whatever before going out. Regardless of the reason, it's your time. If he was like, 10 min early, that's different. But almost an hour early? That's not cool. And his reaction to you communicating it bothered you is concerning, it would have been very easy and rational for him to just say, "okay, I didn't realize this was an issue for you, I'll be sure to be on time next time." You're not asking for a drastic shift in his behaviour or attitude, it's not a difficult thing for him to do.

Stick to your guns. Don't engage in his manipulation where he tries to get your pity. You did nothing wrong, and he's acting immature.
If he continues to act immature over something this trivial, is he worth your time?

Thank you Zinok for your reply.

I was quite stunned by the way he reacted. He was really mad when I pointed out that I don't like arriving that early and especially when I told him that I know that when he said he was going to a nearby coffee shop it was a way to see if I was already available to him.

That is a very manipulative and deceitful way of operating, and he was mad because I told him that to his face.

No I didn't buy into anything he said, how hurtful he was because of what I said, or how I am making him look like a bad person, etc. I told him do not turn things on me because that kind of strategy doesn't work with me buddy. I know too well for that.

He also said that arriving early is just normal, that is how life is, sometimes you just arrive early... well, what about MY life?? What about if I have things to do?

Yes he could have said something like "okay, I didn't realize this was an issue for you, I'll be sure to be on time next time.", no need to make me feel bad for setting up boundaries of what feels right to me. It's like he somehow feels entitled to come earlier to mine! That sense of entitlement alone is a huge red flag to me.

Yes I need time to unwind before a date, especially because I have a 7 year old son! My ex-husband picks him up from mine and I need time to tidy up and also rest before I am with someone else. He also doesn't give a s*** to that fact.

Anyway, if he acts like this in regards to something so simple, and gets argumentative and angry, I can only imagine what's next in store with him. I ended things with him yesterday and I feel a hugeeeee relief!

[PRW]

This one is mixed. I could actually play both sides here. I see issues with him, however the problem isn't him showing up early.

I have been dating this guy for 3 months and we sometimes meet at mine. This has been happening a few times now where we agree for him to come over at a certain time and he arrives earlier.

Like for example we agree he arriving at mine at 1pm and he's at the door at 12:30pm, without even asking anything on the phone or through text. We are still on the early stages of dating and I find this abusive.

The last time he went even further. We agreed he would come to mine at 7pm and at 6:10pm he sent me a message saying that he was already near my house (he lives 40 minutes away) and that he was going to a nearby coffee shop to get a coffee. I felt instantly that he was trying to come over earlier and trying for me to say something like "hey I'm ready, come over now". I just responded "ok".

I think you are being a little excessive here. If he gets there early and you aren't ready to go, then he sits down somewhere and waits till you are,...problem solved.

Most of my dates I have a long drive. There is no way in the world I can hit a destination by an exact time. I give myself a 30 minute buffer in the event of problems, breakdowns, traffic jams, etc. But if everything goes smoothly then obviously, by the math, I get there 30 minutes early.

I was busy getting ready and found all this very aggravating and abusive.

There is nothing abusive about this. Maybe a little annoying, but certainly nothing worse than that. Most normal people only feel this way when the guy keeps showing up late.

Well I ended up telling him this. That I didn't like it, especially the way he did it, trying for me to say something so he could come over sooner. I didn't expect his reaction, but he got really upset and we went into an argument where he said he was hurt and that I was trying to make him look like a bad person and etc. And that he doesn't find that disrespectful, to come over earlier.

Now it is his turn. Well anytime a guy gets confronted by a woman for something and ends up in a big argument and responds with:
1. being really upset
2. saying "I'm hurt"
3. saying "You're trying to make me look bad"

That makes me worry about him a little. That sounds a bit feminine and "beta". Of course I am basing it on your description of the situation.

I don't buy into this kind of thing and told him to not turn this on me, because he was the one crossing my boundaries.

Now your turn. Again, this is very excessive. Showing up early to pick someone up is not "crossing someone's boundaries".

So I wasn't expecting this but I guess he revelead his true colours.

I think you both did some color revealing.

If I would have come early to pick you up and you went off on me over something that trivial, that would most certainly be our last date. I may have just canceled the date on the spot and left. If someone is going to go off on me over something so petty and trivial as "showing up early", what in the world are they going to do when later on when real serious problems come up?.....come at me with a knife? I'm not going to feel "hurt",...I'm just not going to feel she is worth my time.

[patatipatata]

This one is mixed. I could actually play both sides here. I see issues with him, however the problem isn't him showing up early.



I think you are being a little excessive here. If he gets there early and you aren't ready to go, then he sits down somewhere and waits till you are,...problem solved.

Most of my dates I have a long drive. There is no way in the world I can hit a destination by an exact time. I give myself a 30 minute buffer in the event of problems, breakdowns, traffic jams, etc. But if everything goes smoothly then obviously, by the math, I get there 30 minutes early.



There is nothing abusive about this. Maybe a little annoying, but certainly nothing worse than that. Most normal people only feel this way when the guy keeps showing up late.



Now it is his turn. Well anytime a guy gets confronted by a woman for something and ends up in a big argument and responds with:
1. being really upset
2. saying "I'm hurt"
3. saying "You're trying to make me look bad"

That makes me worry about him a little. That sounds a bit feminine and "beta". Of course I am basing it on your description of the situation.



Now your turn. Again, this is very excessive. Showing up early to pick someone up is not "crossing someone's boundaries".



I think you both did some color revealing.

If I would have come early to pick you up and you went off on me over something that trivial, that would most certainly be our last date. I may have just canceled the date on the spot and left. If someone is going to go off on me over something so petty and trivial as "showing up early", what in the world are they going to do when later on when real serious problems come up?.....come at me with a knife? I'm not going to feel "hurt",...I'm just not going to feel she is worth my time.

He wasn't early to "pick me up". He was early to go inside my house. There's a big difference between the two.

He showed up 45 minutes earlier for a car journey that takes him about 30 minutes to do, on a Sunday afternoon where there is no traffic.

And yes it was abusive, especially when he said that it is normal to show up early because "that's life".

It happens that I have a life too and I am doing other things before meeting him, like getting my 7 year old son ready for his dad to pick him up, which this guy totally ignored.

[PRW]

You can't very well have a relationship with someone if you don't want them in your house.

Yea, he is exaggerating it a bit at 45 minutes. But calling it abusive is exaggerating it too. The blame can go both ways here. Well at least you didn't come home from work to find him in a tent in the front yard roasting a hotdog over a cigarette lighter.

I suspect there is way more going on with the guy that you don't like and this was just the excuse to give him the boot. I suspect (only suspect, I don't claim to know) that he may have been a submissive, needy, clinger, that follows you around like a puppy, and would never be a masculine leader in the relationship. Like a puppy they can't stay in the house all the time or they may leave a mess to clean up.

[patatipatata]

You can't very well have a relationship with someone if you don't want them in your house.

Yea, he is exaggerating it a bit at 45 minutes. But calling it abusive is exaggerating it too. The blame can go both ways here. Well at least you didn't come home from work to find him in a tent in the front yard roasting a hotdog over a cigarette lighter.

I suspect there is way more going on with the guy that you don't like and this was just the excuse to give him the boot. I suspect (only suspect, I don't claim to know) that he may have been a submissive, needy, clinger, that follows you around like a puppy, and would never be a masculine leader in the relationship. Like a puppy they can't stay in the house all the time or they may leave a mess to clean up.

'
I didn't say I don't want him in my house. If we agreed that he could come to mine at 7pm, that's because I wanted him there. BUT yes, I do want him to come at 7pm and not at 6:15pm. we are not living together and been only dating for 3 months! That's way over the top for me.

And funny enough, I never arrived early or late to his house, because he never invited me to go there...

Actually, I gave him the boot not because of that, but because of how furious and argumentative he got when I was trying to say to him that arriving 45 minutes earlier is not acceptable to me. He started talking loudly, angry, talking over me not letting me talk, saying I am making him feel this and that, etc.

THAT was what made me give him the boot, because last time I had someone talking to me like that was years ago with my ex-husband, and after our video chat I felt really anxious and I have no need for that in my life. I want someone with whom I can say how I feel and putting my boundaries and the other person responds in a respectful manner.

So that was the real reason I ended things with him. He talking to me in a furious and disrespectful way happened once and won't happen again.

[Zinok]

Good for you for giving him the boot.
Him showing up early wasn`t respectful of your time, but that`s fine, ~if~ he had responded differently when you brought it up.
But the fact he tried to make you feel shitty about it, and starting going off on how hurtful it was to him, yadda yadda, is the real issue in my mind. He acted immaturely over something that could have just been a conversation. Oh you don`t like it when I do that? Okay cool, I wont do that. Boom. Done. No more issue. But no, he had to turn it into a big thing, throw it out of proportion, make himself into the victim because you ~gasp~ communicated with him?

I think you made the right choice for sure. This kind of behaviour would have only led to even bigger issues down the road.

[PRW]

Actually, I gave him the boot not because of that, but because of how furious and argumentative he got when I was trying to say to him that arriving 45 minutes earlier is not acceptable to me. He started talking loudly, angry, talking over me not letting me talk, saying I am making him feel this and that, etc.

THAT was what made me give him the boot, because last time I had someone talking to me like that was years ago with my ex-husband, and after our video chat I felt really anxious and I have no need for that in my life. I want someone with whom I can say how I feel and putting my boundaries and the other person responds in a respectful manner.

So that was the real reason I ended things with him. He talking to me in a furious and disrespectful way happened once and won't happen again.

Of that I completely agree with you. See?, the more we have the conversation, them more the facts come out,... the more things make sense.