Single parents no real time together

[eMeS]

Hi,

A single mom in need of some urgent advice as I feel like I am prone to self sabotage, especially with dating again.

So I am divorced for over a year now. I met a guy who is really nice and who I could (strange to say) see myself settling down with. He has so many qualities I can enjoy and relate to. He is also a single parent with two kids.

The challenges we face:

(1) I would like to have at least one more kid (not today, tomorrow, or next year) but would like to know that the option is there should we get to that point. He claims to not want more and that our three kids combined is more than enough. Also we are still young in the relationship and should not be considering kids, especially as we are not sure what could happen, and that he had a hard time taking care of his kids when he got divorced and had to rely on his parents for help. Now his kids are older he is not sure he wants to go through the experience again.

(2) we do not have our kids at the same time, so when I have mine he is kid-free and vice versa. When I have my kid, he may come over for a short visit, where from about 9:00 pm to 11:00 pm where we lay on the couch speaking/hanging out for about 2 hours, if that much, when he comes over to my place. When he has his kids then I go over to his place for a few hours after the kids are asleep. Doing this makes me feel like I am a grown woman sneaking into someone’s house, having to speak in hushed voices so not to wake the kids who have not met me yet, and having to constantly be mindful of the time, as I need to get home and not keep him up too late.

On the other hand, when we are both without kids it is for maybe 2-3 days during the week. Being that we are also working/career parents we then do not get to see each other until about maybe 9pm to about 11:00pm once during the 2-3 available days. Again that does not leave us with much time to do anything outside of sex-related things during those times. He does not want to stay over at my place. I have no clue why but it is sort of ok if I stay at his place. Well I stayed over once. So not even sure if I can say it is ok for me to stay over at his place.

I am am getting frustrated with this system. He keeps telling me to be patient. That we have only known each other for two months and that he is doing his best. I have no clue what he means by he is doing his best because I have spoken to him about my concerns regarding this issue already and I got the same response, but I cannot see how any action was taken to make it better. I am still sneaking in his house, he still comes over to my place for about two hours, we still only see each other maybe one day when we are kid-free and I am still unable to have a day on the weekend where we can just be together and enjoy the sun. I am close to shutting down and walking away.

Please help.

eM

[Sandra]

All you are saying in short is that he doesn't make time for you. Since you have spoken to him about this and he still hasn't done anything about it, maybe you need to give him space to make him realize you are serious about what you said.

Let him know that you can't continue this way and you both need to stop seeing each other until he has decided to agree to your terms.

[Brett]

He probably doesn't want anymore kids because of the experience he had with taking care of his kids alone. This will change when you both get into an intimate relationship, so don't let this change your mind about being with him.

[eMeS]

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for your response. Strangely enough he reached out to me yesterday and acknowledged then things I mentioned in this post, which I also repeated to him. He acknowledged that he needs to make changes as he is usually not good at letting people into his life, but that he has realized that he does not want to lose what we have and he needs to work on himself and make the necessary changes.

He also offered to have us spend the next three days together (from Monday afternoon after work until Thursday morning). I guess that means I will be staying over. We will also be going to a yoga workshop, which I spoke to him about together. Also, he offered to take me to the airport in a few weeks as I will be traveling for work. So, I guess he he showing initiative. The thing is to see whether he is able to sustain the momentum, of if it is a one-off thing. Fingers crossed it is for the better.

Oh, and he noted that he wants to introduce me to his kids quite soon. For me at this moment, it is more about the little things that we can do in order to be together than having to do the huge things (like meeting kids) before the time is right.

[eMeS]

Hi Brett,

Thanks so much for providing me with another perspective. I hope you are right as I would not want to feel like I have spent time getting to know someone only for two years down the line he says ‘but I told you from the get-go I did not want more kids’. I think that is the possible reality I was scared of.

[smackie9]

Ya gotta give proper communication/discussions a chance to help your situation. A relationship cannot survive without it. Men are not mind readers. If you don't bring things up, they will think everything is just fine. They need a little nudge once in awhile.