Have I 'Pulverized' Her?

[Elliot]

I lost the girl that I loved. I chased her (she even told me beforehand not to chase her), and preached to her.

Maybe this was my mistake, even if it wasn't I don't have much money, (I'm on social security and have a very small check, and I walk with two canes although by next spring I may be able to walk without canes.)

This lady was my therapist, and I loved her deeply...even though I was never able to date her once. I wrote her five love letters and gave them to her at work--she would not freely give me her address, yet it's in the phone book.

On her last week at work I asked her for her address because I said that I wanted to send her a gift. She said, "keep your money". And there was another day that she said, "don't write me no more".

Yet this women is a lot like me.

We have so many similarities and like personalities. When I was around her I felt so good and was happy. I could make her laugh easily too.

Do I still have a chance with her, or have I pulverized her as another lady therapist told me?

She likes her church very much; it's nondenominational and I'm Baptist. And she read one of my sermons that I wrote which attacked her bible. She could not read further.

Wow...! Have I lost her? Can I write her another letter, and send her chocolate and roses?

I had told her that I was going to get her diamond earrings for Christmas and she said that if I did she would not accept them. Or was it my walking abilities that she can't deal with?

When I get discharged from therapy I will look for a full time job because I will need more money to make her feel more secure.

Maybe money is the issue, and not my disability. I've had two neck surgeries, and don't drive. Yet my neck rotation I feel is good enough to drive next year.

I will see my neurosurgeon this month. Well Scot, am I in any condition for love?

I haven't dated in years. I'm 54 years old, and she's 40. I've had sex only once, when I was 18.

She was once engaged to a wounded soldier, and then told me that she fooled around. I told her that I understand what she did, and that I was still interested in her. I hope that she gives me another chance.

[Clay]

Hello Elliot:

Call me crazy, but I'm feeling the need to make sure guys like you (and others who may be reading) have some baseline stuff down before we pick up with the "good" to "great" stuff some more.

So here it is, my good man. I've got to tell it to you like it is.

If chasing her profusely, writing her a bunch of love letters in the absence of any real relationship and trying to buy her affection wasn't enough to permanently deep-six your chances with this woman (or ANY woman, for that matter), you added fuel to the crash-and-burn when you thumped her worldview over the head in a judgmental manner.

I mean, if you can only date Baptists, then that's all good. I can respect that. So be it.

But please don't punish this poor woman for not meeting your standards even as you are haranguing her for a date non-stop.

That's just bizarre...especially coupled with the fact that she has an admitted history of cheating, but you can overlook that.

All of this is beside the point though, really.

For what it's worth, so is your injury, and so is your financial situation.

Those are common limiting beliefs that I can cite example after example of guys overcoming successfully.

The heart of the issue here is this: Did you really think that pouring out such a lugubrious display of puppy-love followed by a summary indictment of her core belief system was going to go well for you here?

The problem here is that what you have done hasn't worked, and your apparent solution is to do twice as much of it.

This is the "management style" that has repeatedly tanked major telecom companies, Internet start-ups, financial institutions and even some small countries.

It looks to me like you are doing what you've always done, hoping things will somehow turn out differently.

And as business author Rick Page said so eloquently, "hope is NOT a strategy".

When something isn't working, you've got to find a new plan.

And more importantly, when a woman tells you very clearly and specifically that she is not interested, you've got to seek your fortune elsewhere rather than stalking her in the local phone book.

There is no such thing as "another chance" with this woman because there was no such thing as the FIRST chance.

Similarly, you haven't "lost" her because you never HAD her to begin with.

I mean, she wasn't exactly giggling and playing with her hair even as she coquettishly purred, "Well, I don't know..."

This woman has told you in no uncertain terms to leave her alone.

Do you realize that she probably dreads seeing you as a customer at this point? Even her fellow co-workers appear to be doing what they can to drive that message home to you--and in no uncertain terms, I might add.

Sure, she may force a smile and be nice to you, but you are creeping her out every time you show up...followed invariably by frustrating her to no end.

Is that how you want to be perceived by women?

And is YOUR perception that those women are perceiving you differently than I am suggesting?

If you cannot see that, you're going to have to trust me on this one.

In order to get this right from now on, the FIRST step is going to be to work on your INNER GAME.

You've got more excuses than the New York Knicks this year, and your game is about equally as futile as a result.

Until you are okay with who you are, you cannot expect a woman to be either. Remember always: Women follow your lead.

To some degree, the fact that you are in physical therapy and the woman you like is assigned as your therapist puts you naturally subject to her lead from the start, which is a disadvantage.

And geez...I haven't even covered the part about how her professional relationship to you likely prohibited her from dating you to begin with. (By the way, the fact that she has apparently now left her job is of no consequence at this point.)

But ALL of these already considerable hurdles become nothing short of insurmountable at the very moment when you feel you must buy and/or otherwise beg for a woman's romantic attention.

By the way, where was the money for the diamond earrings going to come from? Were you going to mortgage your future in some way in an attempt to "buy" this woman's favor?

Please tell me you were kidding about that one.

Once you believe you are a man worth pursuing, you will STOP CHASING and begin seeking to make women's days brighter as a masculine, confident man without going for the "hard sell" up front. The latter only makes you look desperate and needy.

Give women time to recognize what you should already know at that point: that you are a man of high value who deserves a great woman. Then you will have no problem.

Put aside the need to try to impress a woman and/or buy her stuff. That only galvanizes her perception that you feel like you need to impress her with "things" because you believe that who you are isn't nearly enough to ever get the job done.

Someday, after A LOT of water has passed under the bridge, the woman you've written me about may be naturally impressed if you can be a "big four" guy. Then you may get a "Mulligan".

But don't bet the farm on that (or mortgage it for diamond earrings).

Women are human beings just like you and me, and you've really dug a deep hole for yourself here.

So work on the "big four" for the time being, and sooner than later women will respond much more positively to you.

That's my promise to you. You only can go up from here, right?

[Elliot]

Clay: Thank you so much for your advice.