Confused

[Trixyskates]

Hi, so this is going to be long so please bear with me, and thank you in advance for taking the time to read! It's also kind of a silly thing, but it's one of those small things that just eats at you and you don't know who to go to.. so here I am. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. I'm 22, he's 31. I'm just going to start off with saying that I have a pretty high sex drive. My last boyfriend did as well, and we had sex probably every time we would see each other. I'm well aware sex is not the center of a relationship, but I think it's important. Anyways, my current boyfriend doesn't have as high of a drive as me, if he's the one initiating things every time we would probably have sex once a week. Ideally I would prefer at leastt 3-4 times a week. The thing is though, my boyfriend always jokes about having a 3some, and we've talked about it before. It's just one of those bucket list things he's never done and always wanted to do. I've never done it either and I'm kind of the jealous type so I'm not sure if emotionally I could handle it, and it gets annoying that he's constantly bringing it up. Like if that's something I decide to do, I'll tell him when I'm ready, but right now I know it's not something I can handle. On top of that, he'll always point out girls with big boobs and things like that when we're out in public. I'm attracted to girls too and he knows this, so sometimes we'll talk about girls together. But bc I do get jealous I draw the line at a certain point. For example, the other day I'm talking to him and these two girls walk by from his view to my view, and he straight up turns around to check out their butts. I didn't say anything in that moment, but a few minutes later it was still bothering me so I told him to please be less obvious about checking other girls out next time I'm trying to talk to him. I didn't handle it the best because I just walked away after, but my immature self expected him to chase me and tell me he was sorry. And his stubborn self decided that since I wasn't talking to him, he ignored me the whole day too. Finally, we were in the car together later that day and I said "so are you just not going to say anything?" and he claimed I was the one not talking, but I explained how I never got an apology or anything. Then I explained how it's just plain rude to turn around and check out other girls while his gf is trying to have a conversation with him. He understood and apologized for being stubborn and stupid lol and said he won't do that again and we made up.
But then a few days later we're at the beach, and I see him constantly checking out this other girl. It's one thing if he just checks another girl out. Fine. I don't mind, I know women are beautiful and distracting, I get that. But I could see him continually looking at this girl. I'm working on how I handle these kind of situations, but in that moment it really pissed me off considering the argument we had just had a few days before. He could tell I was checked out and asked what was wrong. I finally just explained that I was tired of telling him the same things (yes this has happened several times before in the past too), and explained that I'm not stupid and just wished he would be more discreet and considerate of me. I didn't actually say what I was mad about, but he knew. After a few minutes of silence he gave me a half assed apology and said "you know I love you." and i said okay, but was still annoyed, especially since his apology wasn't sincere. We hardly get in fights (and it's always me getting mad about something lol) but when we do, I always feel like he gets mad for me being mad, if that makes sense? So i feel like his focus is more on that fact that he's been caught, than it is on making me feel better about the situation. In that moment, it would have just made me feel better if he said something nice about me and make me feel sexy, you know? I'm the kind of person who needs verbal assurance, and as ridiculous as some people may think that is, that's what makes me feel better. And I've reiterated this to him many times before, but my boyfriend is kinda spacey... he means well and he's never intentionally done anything to upset me, but he just doesn't realize sometimes when he is hurting me. Anyways, he could tell I was still not over it and I tried to hint that if he gave me reassurance I would feel better, but still nothing. I kinda blew up and I was like how do you not get it? If you knew me by now you would know what makes me feel better.. and basically his stubbornness held him back from saying anything. Finally after him thinking I was ridiculous and then us not talking for a bit he told me I was beautiful and he loves me and kissed me. I took it, but it just bothered me that I basically had to force him to say something nice about me? He told me it's just an instinct to want to look at girls (like I said I get it) but I told him it's one thing to check out girls and another to be consistently looking back. I told him later the whole situation just kinda rubbed me the wrong way. I said it's normal for me to not feel the best after catching my boyfriend staring at another girl, and it bugged me that he couldn't say something nice on his own even if it was just to make me feel better. (I know, I shouldn't need a man to tell me for me to know I'm beautiful. It's just nice to hear it in a moment like that) and he understand and said you're right.
Since then which was about a week ago we've had sex maybe once. So since all this I've just been doing some thinking.. I know he loves me, we have a great time when we're together and we have a lot in common. We're always laughing together, and despite what I'm telling you, we really hardly ever fight. But the thing is, I'm dealing with a thyroid issue right now and I've put on some weight in the last year, and I can't help but think he just doesn't find me sexy anymore... I feel like lately he hardly compliments me even when I put in effort with an outfit or my makeup. And it bothers me that he hardly initiates sex, and even when I try to do something sexy or say something or make subtle hints, it does nothing for him. Sometimes when we kiss I'll try to heat it up and he'll just stop a few seconds later (tbh tho he's never been a big kisser, or the greatest...) Even the other day i straight up was sitting on him (he put me on his lap) and i jokingly was grinding on his dick, and he said it felt good, and I did it for a bit and then stopped. I would think something like that would get him going and make him want more, but once I got up he carried on with whatever he was doing before. I just don't know what to do at this point. Like I said, I know sex isn't everything, but I think in order to have a healthy relationship we should be on the same page. I want to bring it up, but it embarrasses me. And not even just the sex thing, but the fact that I hardly ever hear him tell me I'm pretty or beautiful, or just little things like why he loves me. I've explained so many times to him I'm the kind of person who in a relationship needs verbal reassurance. Just like some people need acts of service or physical touch.. that's my "love language." I know he's kind of oblivious when it comes to things like that, but I would think by now (especially after our discussion last week) that he would get it. What should I do? Is this a silly thing to be reconsidering my entire relationship over? It's just these are some things that I know I want in a relationship, and it's starting to hinder the way I see our relationship...

[Gloria]

In any relationship you will sooner or later come across differences, which ultimately challenge you and the harmony of the relationship. One very common difference is the difference in sexual desire.

High desire and low desire partner

I recently came across a book by Dr. David Schnarch, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist who is an expert on marriage and sexuality. In his book 'Intimacy & Desire' he introduces the pattern of high desire and low desire partner. This does not only apply to sexuality - it actually describes any kind of difference. Schnarch says: 'The low desire partner and the high desire partner are positions in relationship on virtually any issue and decision in your relationship.' There is always one partner who wants to do something and the other who doesn't, or wants to do it less. So actually, to be correct, the two positions mean that there is one who has a higher desire and one who has the lower desire. It is all a question of comparison.

Part of personality or situational?

These two positions shift on different issues so they are situational. You might be the high desire partner for sex, but our partner might be the high desire partner for intimacy or connection. It is also possible that the partner that started out as being the high desire sex partner in the beginning of the relationship, ends up being the low desire partner later. It is important to accept that neither position are character nor personality traits, which will help you become less defensive or feel less inadequate or defective.

So where is the problem?

There isn't any - the only problem really is how you as an individual and as a couple deal with the facts. Neither of the positions has a problem as such, if there isn't an addiction or something else driving the position. The person with the lower desire is only in this position due to the other partner having a higher desire. In another relationship these positions might be reversed.

Sexual desire problems are part of any healthy sexual relationship!

Control

Schnarch makes it clear that it is a fact that the partner with the lower desire controls the situation. Again, this does not only apply to sex. Often couples start blaming each other for their positions, thinking that they have taken them to either 'get back' at the other or 'punish' the partner. Remember that the partner with the lower desire has not chosen this position and also not the control that inevitably comes with it.

The same applies, for example, for household task. The person with the least desire for household chores controls when, how, and if theirs get done. If you are in the position of higher desire in regards to household chores the only way is to wait for your partner to take responsibility and obviously by bringing the topic to conversation but it doesn't change the fact of the control.

Masters of relationships realize and accept that 69% of their issues are perpetual problems (according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman). This means that they are unsolvable. The way to deal with them is to keep communicating about them within the relationship.

[Elliot]

I will suggest you bring it to his consciousness that he doesn't compliment you. First, you must try to compliment him often before talking to him about complimenting you.

As for his sex drive, I will suggest you talk to him about it as well. From my personal experience; my ex girlfriend and I used to have sex 2 to 3 times a day on a daily basis, but for my current girlfriend we just have sex twice a week. This is because she doesn't say anything about it, I know quite well that she wants more sex but since she says nothing about it I act as though I'm not aware of her needs. Whereas, my ex girlfriend wants it at all times and would always initiate it. Since a man will always do everything to make his woman happy, I will always grant her sexual request.

So, if you don't talk to him about it, you will never get sexual fulfillment.

[BassThumper]

This man does not Love you. He constantly disrespect you. I cant see what makes you stay with him. Emotionally and sexually he is not fulfilling you. He breaks his neck in front of you watching girls walk by, All the signs show you he is not the one.