How to approach a girl with a lot of mutual friends at Uni

[ZodiacRCW34]

Hi there guys, I just wanted to get some quick advice from you as I don't really know who to turn to IRL lol

So, I'm a student at Uni in the UK, I'm 20 and I've never had a girlfriend. To cut a long story short, I have been hurt by a girl when I started uni and I have had a very deep infatuation for a girl back in my school days. We liked each other, but it sadly didn't materialize into a relationship, so I'm still new to the dating game on a personal level, but I'm currently looking to get on the dating scene and get looking for a potential partner.

There is a girl at Uni that I find myself quite liking at the moment and I have a teensy little crush on her. It's not massive, but there are certain qualities that I like about her. She is thin, but really cute and she is a real foodie and she always seems to be extremely well mannered and polite, which is something that I would like to find in a partner. For 1st year, she lived with some of my closer buddies on my course but she will now be in a house as we're going into second year. We are the same age and we do similar courses, she studies film, but I study Film, TV and Radio. We've met through mutual friends and we tend to regularly find each other present at social gatherings arranged by my friends on my course, such as barbecues and parties. But, I've never really held a proper conversation with her. I simply don't ever know what to say and she can be quiet, so I always get very worried that it might come across too obvious that I like her and that she might not want to talk to me. Atm, my feelings are secret and I haven't hinted them to anyone.

I have arranged pre-drinks for my course mates round my uni flat twice before the end of my 1st year of Uni (I'm on summer break now, but I'm going back to start my 2nd year next week) and she has come along with my friends both times as they are her housemates and they are close with her, as well as me. The fact she came both times seems to say that she doesn't mind me, whether that means she feels we're friends or not is up to her. My friends asked me if she could come over to these pre-drinks socials with them and I said she was very welcome both times. However, I get a little bit shy around her and I just don't really know how to hold a conversation with her as we don't know each other very well, I always like to just be polite around her and maybe smile at her once or twice if she looks in my direction. One time, our friend spilt her drink and she thanked me when I passed over a towel, a small gesture but it shows how she has good manners. I'd really like to get to know her a bit and a big goal of mine would be to ask her out on a date, but I'm too nervous for that now and I think we should probably get to know each other better before I make any moves as I've been told she's had some rather bad experiences with boys in the past. Given that I'm now moving into a house for my second year, it looks quite possible that we'll get to be around each other more often as we have a lot of mutual friends. I'm probably rambling now so I'll stop, but I'm sure you get the gist of how I feel around her and how I'd like for them to change.

I'd just like to get some advice on how to approach her, as she can be a bit shy and quiet, but there are lots of qualities that I admire about her and I'd like to know if you think she could potentially gain interest in giving me a chance. I have some other girls i'm friendly with, so it's not the end of the world if she just isn't fussed at all, but I like her and she really stands out to me. It's just that I don't want to get myself hurt again if I find that she really has no interest in me, whether it's as a friend or on a more romantically interested level...

Thanks very much,
ZodiacRCW34

[David]

So first let's get into why your thinking they may not be open to conversation is false. Let's see...why would they be out at all if not to meet people!? Admittedly, the girls may appear standoffish at first which may have led you to believe that they don't want to meet charming members of the opposite sex; but this is not true. What is true is that they do not like creepy/sleazy guys drooling all over them and grabbing them in a ghastly manner. Girls like guys who know how to approach girls.

I used to resent girls for what I thought was 'bitchy' behavior but now I better understand where they are coming from. I actually feel the same way if a girl who is too drunk or just too ugly does the same to me. Now I still act polite and am flattered but I get uncomfortable and wish to leave swiftly if they 'don't get the message' that I'm not interested.

Anyway back to girls...

When you learn how to approach girls properly you will realize what I said above is true. An interesting thing will happen as you get better with learning how to approach girls. You will find that what you thought was 'bitchy' behavior was really just a very shallow veneer to keep away the worst of the hecklers and before you know it their defensive exterior soon melts away and they can't help but crack a smile. Once they start smiling you are well on your way as people act in a manner that is consistent to their previous behavior. So that means if they smiled once they are likely to smile again and again and so forth.

So how do you get them to smile? Let's look into that...

I am going to give you a step-by-step process on how to approach girls.

Firstly, you want to walk up in a manner that is not weak and passive like all the other guys. In others words you should walk up with full commitment and conviction that the girls are going to be into you. Now at first this is going to be a leap of faith of course and you will likely screw up a lot before getting it right. Just keep in mind that the more committed you are the better reaction you will get.

Your body language should be non-threatening and open. This will also help with the looking committed in the girl's eyes. This is the most important thing girls will be looking for as you approach. They will be scrutinizing your every micro-movement all together like the borg-mind so you better make sure you feel congruent to what you are doing or else you are out of there.

There is an old saying which goes "it's not what you say but how you say it"; well this is true. This is in-line with the being open and committed. Guys who are nervous or hiding something and aren't committed will speak with a squeaky or unbalanced tonality. This is very bad. Instead you want to BOOM your words as if Hercules himself were speaking to his minions. It's better to be too loud than too quiet cos it will make an impression and get your foot in the door as well as all the good stuff of appearing very confident in yourself. If you speak loudly then it will seem like you expect people to pay attention to you and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as people think "he speaks loudly, he must be used to people paying attention to him so I better pay attention too".

So walk up like a mythical titan and boom out whatever words you want at them (within reason- no death or killing people, sorry to disappoint you). Keep it simple with an introduction of yourself. Walk up with the body language I mentioned above and if they are turned away tap the two closest to you on the shoulder (getting the attention of at least two is important as if you only get one's attention then the others would likely try and 'save' her- very bad) and say what you want to say.

If all goes well you will notice them turn then freeze like statues as they look you up and down and process more information. So long as you don't screw up they will continue 'scanning' you and as they start to make positive judgments about you they will open up. As this happens you will notice them 'girlcode' each other- that is- looking to each other from second to second as their borg-mind processes the information between them. As they code and accept your presence they will smirk then giggle then burst out laughing so long as you say things in the right manner. Remember it's not what you say but how you say it.

Congratulations, you have successfully learned how to approach girls and you are now in a, gasp, conversation!

[Bradwin]

1. How To Approach a Girl

There are five main factors to consider when it comes to approaching girls:

• Speed
• Confidence
• Playfulness
• Giving attitude
• Time constraint

Speed is very important for two reasons. First, if you don't approach within the first few seconds of seeing her, you'll most probably talk yourself out of it. Second, if she sees you watching her and if you take too long to approach, she'll know you had to work up the courage and it immediately puts you in a slightly inferior position in her mind. Of course, there are contexts where you can't approach her immediately but you should aim to do it as fast as you can. Ideally literally within seconds.

When it comes to confidence, men tend to overdo it because they think they have to very overtly irradiate it. The thing is that women have developed a very acute sense for this and can very quickly pick up on dishonest displays of confidence. It's no rocket science... If you approach quickly, if you have a smile on your face and if you lean back, touch her on her forearm from time to time and reduce nervous twitches to a minimum you should do great.

At first you have to be very playful. Tease her a bit and smile but don't overdo it. Make sure you mainly amuse yourself. Don't try to impress her, she will be amused if your goal is to have fun yourself. Generally it's not good to tell too many jokes because she'll view you as a funny friend. Instead try to tease her, make some jokes at her expense and smile.

You should have a giving attitude which means that you don't think of the approach in terms of wanting to get something from her but rather come from a mindset of she'll be getting a lot from you... if she's cool enough.

Time constraint is one of the most important things you have to use in approach. You have to answer the question that's going through her mind: "Is this guy going to stick around for hours and I won't be able to get rid of him?". You do that simply by saying: "I have to get back to my friends in a minute..." or just simply: "I have to run but..." This also subliminally hints that you have friends and that you are busy (i.e. you have a life). Do the time constraint very soon after approaching.

2. How To Flirt With a Girl

Simply put, flirting is a way to demonstrate that you're a suitable person for her to get involved with and to get her inner sexual switches turned on in a somewhat subtle way. It's based on a push-pull mechanism where you briefly give her good feeling and thoughts and then back away. Here are some very powerful and tested flirting techniques:

• Especially in the beginning tease her! But make sure you watch her responses carefully. Some girls, although beautiful and a great company, have a very bad opinion of themselves. You have to be careful not to offend them! This is one of the most common beginners mistakes.
• Sometimes gaze at her eyes just a little longer than would be normal
• Tell her you'll make something out of her. Make it funny and contextual. For example if she does something nice for you, you say: "You're so sweet! I'll put you in a blender and make Nancy syrup out of you. I bet you'll go great with pancakes" (put her name in instead of Nancy). Another example, if she makes fun out of you: "You're funny, huh? I'll put you in a shaker and make "smart-ass" milkshake out of you"...
• Misinterpret her comments as her hitting on you. For example, if she says she has to go to the bathroom, say: "Well, I was hoping you'd at least buy me dinner first but OK, let's go. Just promise you'll respect me in the morning..."
• After dancing, hold her closer, look her directly in the eyes and say: "This was wonderful!", then immediately lessen the grip and keep looking her in the eyes. Most of the times she'll respond with a smile and say: "Thank you." You then look at her a bit confused and say: "Actually I was talking about myself but yeah, you were fine too". Have a playful smile on your face. You'll definitely get a huge laugh and a hit in the shoulder... a VERY good sign
• Also after dancing, playfully hold her hand, put her on your side and bow to the imaginary audience. She'll usually laugh and play along. Send kisses to the imaginary audience and wave while gesturing she should do it too. When she does, look at her seriously and say: "You know there's no audience, right?". Smile playfully right after that.
• Play different games with her. A great game is "Judging other people" where you two watch other people and comment their looks, behavior etc. It's fun for her and you can also quickly learn about what she likes and what she doesn't like. Of course, you must tease her from time to time.
• Another very flirtatious game is role-playing. Simply pick a role for yourself and give her one. She'll very likely go with it and play along. Don't overdo it.

3. How To Create Chemistry

What girls are really looking for is connection. So when you notice that a girl is into you (and this usually happens within minutes!), it's time to establish a connection with her. Here are some elements of a connection that you should demonstrate:

• Trust
• Caring
• Protection
• Leadership
• Interest in what she does
• Emotional sanity
• Open mind
• Enthusiasm

You can directly demonstrate these traits with behavior or conversationally through stories. Never say directly you have any of these traits. The key is in subtly DEMONSTRATING them to her!

Now that you're armed with this cutting-edge knowledge it's time to go out there and get the girl you always wanted!