Lots Of First Dates But No Second Dates...Why?

[Judith]

I am a very attractive woman in my late 40's. I have been doing online dating for 2 months now and get lots of first meetings. Not very many 2nd dates (probably 2 out of the 30 men I have met) and not a relationship.

When I first went online dating this past April, the 3rd man I met, we were together 5 months. Now, not so good. I don't know why.

I meet all kinds of men from age 40-55. The ones I really like don't call me. The ones I don't, they call me.

I need help. This is exhausting.

I have 4 meetings with new men scheduled next week. I do not sleep with them, I don't act needy, I am very happy and have fun on these meetings, I flirt a bit, they all are attracted until I have to say goodnight.

Please advice me!

[Anthonia]

Hello Judith:

Wow...I really can relate to your frustration. Believe me, you are not the first woman who has ever wondered why second dates aren't happening. And I'm sure you won't be the last.

You haven't given me a lot of detail, but that's okay. That will allow me to share several different possibilities with you in a bit that may or may not be affecting YOU personally, but which others may be able to relate to.

But let's start off with the areas you DID give me some insight into.

First, you mentioned that you had met a great guy on just your third date after getting online. Some may consider that "beginner's luck", but there may be more to it than that.

Oftentimes, when women first start with online dating there's a rush of attention from guys for at least several days after posting their profile.

That can be exciting! Even getting a few e-mails from potentially interested guys can build self-esteem and one's anticipation of good things ahead.

That translates into a radiant confidence on actual first dates that is tangible to guys.

Of course, such is very appealing. And that obviously means a greater likelihood of being asked out again.

As time goes on, however, we all tend to have fewer e-mails hitting our inboxes. Any drop in numbers there can be a let down, regardless of what you've been used to seeing.

And...after a few less-than-perfect dates, or a promising relationship that didn't turn out as planned, our excitement level towards meeting new guys can take a hit.

All of this, of course, steals a bit of our "mojo", doesn't it?

As a result, we may not get as many second dates.

So keeping our energy level high and our attitude positive really can compel a man to want to see you again.

Another thing you mentioned was potentially VERY significant.

You said that the guys you DON'T like tend to remain interested, whereas the the guys you DO like do not.

Here is an area where both men and women often have a "sticking point".

It's easy for us to think that having someone we like actually LIKE US BACK would be "too good to be true".

Our mind plays tricks on us, telling us we don't deserve a great man and/or don't deserve to be happy.

And believe me, this mindset will sabotage what might have been a very positive thing EVERY TIME.

Remember, someone we are attracted to is still a HUMAN BEING. He has every right to get to know the REAL, easy-going, socially present YOU as some guy you aren't interested in.

It's kind of humorous to read that last thought, isn't it? But when you think about it, that's kind of what goes on.

If we "clam up" out of a fear of "messing up" and/or protect ourselves from potential disappointment before there's even evidence it's coming...well, that can only hurt rather than help.

It's almost like we disqualify ourselves before he even registers his opinion on the matter!

Crazy, but true.

Did you know that guys sometimes feel rejected when a woman who actually LIKES them sabotages things because she feels he's "too good to be true"?

What are we DOING to ourselves???

Notwithstanding what I've already shared, here are a few more quick ideas that are major "second date killers".

They are all VERY common. Give these some thought to see if they ring a bell, although I don't necessarily see any evidence that these apply based on your letter.


1) Pushing To "Lock Him Down" Very Quickly

Have you ever had a guy try to have sex with you on the first date? (Well, duh...who hasn't, right?) Did you feel kind of pushed or even creeped out?

Well, that's exactly how guys feel when we start talking about exclusivity or even marriage (!) on first dates.


2) Changing Your Look To Be Different From Your Pictures

You mentioned you are a very attractive woman. Even so, remember that different guys are attracted to different "types" of women.

So if you are a blonde in a sundress in your profile pictures, but have since gone brunette and show up for the first date in a business suit, you might not exactly resolve his expectations.

Sure, you're looking great either way...but if you're not who he was expecting to meet, that might derail things. Everyone--man or woman--has a right to his or her own tastes and preferences.

Above and beyond that, appearing as expected generally inspires confidence in your date. It's as simple as that.

So definitely make sure your pics accurately depict who you are TODAY. By the way, having them be recent should be a given.


3) Unintentional Sexual Innuendo In Your Profile

Actually, look closely to see if this one may indeed apply to you, Judith since you mentioned that guys seem attracted until you say "goodnight".

Quite often women include subtle phrases in their profile narratives that indicate to men that they'll be open to sexual activity early and often in a relationship.

Usually, gals are SHOCKED to find out that what they have written is being interpreted as such. So it's important to scan your profile for this sort of thing.

Examples include, "I'll try anything once", "I'm ready for a little fun", and "I'm with my small children all day, so I'm ready for some 'adult' time".

If you've got anything in your profile that can even remotely be taken as a sexual invitation--and that's not your style--be sure to get rid of it.

Please rest assured that not EVERY guy out there is so shallow as to only want to use you for sex on the first date.

But if you are inviting the guys who ARE by sending unintentionally sexual messages in your profile, that will be EXACTLY who you'll have writing to you.

And of course, when you're not that kind of girl, they'll turn elsewhere.


I'm almost certain that one or more of the tips I've shared with you will turn things around for you. Please keep me posted!


Have Fun

[Judith]

Anthonia, thank you for your advice.

[Sally Amorim]

I am sure that dating sites are very important in building new families. I know several happy couples who met each other on this sites. But you should not to forget go out of your home and meet real people in real life. Of course, it is harder than sit at your computer in your leisure wear, but this costs a thing and can bring you faster results than you expect.