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Hey all,
I'm 36 and have been single, as in not in a committed relationship, for about 7 years now. There have been periods of a year or more of no sex or dating during those years, but there have also been about 15 dating-app type dates, and about five short flings. I've never been a serial monogamist, my entire life. I've had boyfriends, around five total but nothing much more than a year. I'm not relationship-lead on the whole, I enjoy my single life and have never craved marriage or children.
BUT... I've now come to realise... I've become bitter. I find app/internet dating really awkward and painful, it fills me with anxiety and I've never enjoyed the process, plus I feel it makes me look for the wrong things. When I meet men in real life my attraction and the chemistry grow over time, and I prefer that. Now I'm in my 30s a lot of the men I meet that I connect with are married with kids, and I'm not one to go chasing after men who are already taken. I'm sober so don't meet men in clubs or bars these days, not that those were the kind of trysts that lead to anything worthwhile anyway.
I've not been that happy in my relationships, after the initial stage of being smitten I feel trapped and scared to be with them forever. I figured the solution to that was to have a firm idea of the sort of man who I should be with, but I'm honestly not sure he even exists, let alone that I'll find him and he'll be single. People tell me to be less picky but I don't feel comfortable or driven to compromise on the wonderful things I've built in my life over these years of being single, and I don't want to trap myself in a relationship that makes me unhappy. I've been repeatedly lied to and cheated on and ghosted and I don't have fond thoughts of relationships or men in general these days, but I don't kid myself, I know there are many great men out there who would never do such things.
Sometimes I tell myself I'm done and will be single forever, and whilst I feel relief, I also feel sad. I find my female friends who are dating obsessed to be stupid and vacuous in their obsessive pursuit of a mate, but I wonder if I feel that way just because it feels so unnatural to me. It hurts to live in a world that tells you you should be in a couple, and to watch everyone you know find it so effortless, when you find it so impossible.
I found myself yesterday berating a friend who'd decided to go on a holiday with a new fling early in their dating, telling her it would be bad for her mental health as he was moving abroad afterwards, telling her she'd have to compromise her travel plans for him, blah blah blah... really I just want her to stay single. To be like me so I'm not alone in being alone.
I don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to be like this but have no clue how to find my happy spot and shake this bitter anger about relationships and dating that's taken hold of me. I'd welcome all input, from singletons and those in long term relationships. It feels good to just get that OUT.
I'm 36 and have been single, as in not in a committed relationship, for about 7 years now. There have been periods of a year or more of no sex or dating during those years, but there have also been about 15 dating-app type dates, and about five short flings. I've never been a serial monogamist, my entire life. I've had boyfriends, around five total but nothing much more than a year. I'm not relationship-lead on the whole, I enjoy my single life and have never craved marriage or children.
BUT... I've now come to realise... I've become bitter. I find app/internet dating really awkward and painful, it fills me with anxiety and I've never enjoyed the process, plus I feel it makes me look for the wrong things. When I meet men in real life my attraction and the chemistry grow over time, and I prefer that. Now I'm in my 30s a lot of the men I meet that I connect with are married with kids, and I'm not one to go chasing after men who are already taken. I'm sober so don't meet men in clubs or bars these days, not that those were the kind of trysts that lead to anything worthwhile anyway.
I've not been that happy in my relationships, after the initial stage of being smitten I feel trapped and scared to be with them forever. I figured the solution to that was to have a firm idea of the sort of man who I should be with, but I'm honestly not sure he even exists, let alone that I'll find him and he'll be single. People tell me to be less picky but I don't feel comfortable or driven to compromise on the wonderful things I've built in my life over these years of being single, and I don't want to trap myself in a relationship that makes me unhappy. I've been repeatedly lied to and cheated on and ghosted and I don't have fond thoughts of relationships or men in general these days, but I don't kid myself, I know there are many great men out there who would never do such things.
Sometimes I tell myself I'm done and will be single forever, and whilst I feel relief, I also feel sad. I find my female friends who are dating obsessed to be stupid and vacuous in their obsessive pursuit of a mate, but I wonder if I feel that way just because it feels so unnatural to me. It hurts to live in a world that tells you you should be in a couple, and to watch everyone you know find it so effortless, when you find it so impossible.
I found myself yesterday berating a friend who'd decided to go on a holiday with a new fling early in their dating, telling her it would be bad for her mental health as he was moving abroad afterwards, telling her she'd have to compromise her travel plans for him, blah blah blah... really I just want her to stay single. To be like me so I'm not alone in being alone.
I don't know what to do with myself, I don't want to be like this but have no clue how to find my happy spot and shake this bitter anger about relationships and dating that's taken hold of me. I'd welcome all input, from singletons and those in long term relationships. It feels good to just get that OUT.