What To Do If Your Date Is Showing No Apparent Interest In You Whatsoever

[Barry]

On a first date how do you handle a situation where you can't tell if she is interested in you at all?

Here is the scene: Last night I had a Match.com date. We met for drinks and free bread at an Italian restaurant. We sat at the bar, watched pizza dough being thrown, and sipped on our drinks.

It was laid back and casual...not a stuffy, high pressured first restaurant date that you advocate against. I've taken several women here and this place has proven to be a good "get to know each other" spot.

Here is crux of where my question is coming from. She did a few things to make think she was interested, and she did a few things that made it seem she was not interested.

THE GOOD THINGS: Ran her fingers through her hair several times, A few times I was able to sustain a long warm smile on her face while talking to her.

A few times she would spin on her stool directly at me and lean in. Several times I gave her some really good chuckles that made her relax and warm up. Sometimes she was warm.

THE NOT SO GOOD SIGNS: She talked a lot about her problems with finding the right guys. She talked a lot about wondering if something was wrong with her.

At one point she was asking me general advice on how to let a guy know she is interested with out coming on too strong...

You know these type of questions are something a woman would ask a platonic male friend, and at times this is exactly how I felt. My gut feeling is sort of telling me that she is lacking attraction for me.

At the end of the night, I walked her to her car. We hugged and I kissed her on the cheek. I'm not scared to go in for a real kiss, but I do so only when my gut instinct tell me to.

As for me: I am motivated to see her again for 2 reasons. 1) She turns me on physically. 2) She seems that she may have the level of character I am looking for in a woman.

This is my plan: Call her tonight and thank her for driving out to my town to meet me. Let her know that I want to see her a 2nd time to better find out if there is a mutual connection.

What are your thoughts? How would you better test the waters to find out if the attraction is mutual?

[Dennis]

She's a cutie. A "girl next door" type, for sure.

She also hasn't been active on Match.com for a week. That's good news for you. She's not diligently searching on Match.com for the next guy to go out on a date with.

And a week may as well be an eternity in the online dating world.

No woman who is getting any attention whatsoever online (let alone a lot of it, as this particular woman is probably getting with such a well done profile) can resist checking in for more than forty-eight hours...max.

This is all field-tested truth, by the way.

In fact, based on what you've told me thus far, in my opinion it's ALL good news for you.

When I began reading this e-mail I thought you were going to start talking about a woman who gave absolutely no indicators of interest whatsoever.

By that I mean she's stone-faced with detached / closed body language and a "hands off" attitude.

But here you have a woman who is giving VERY classic signs of approval and indeed flat-out attraction.

She's engaged in the conversation.

She's smiling and laughing...even leaning in--that's a solid one.

Playing with her hair isn't necessarily as foolproof as some believe it is, but the old idea of her letting YOU touch her hair IS. I'd try that next time, when the time is right.

And there WILL be a next time if you follow the plan you mentioned.

I'd leave out the part about seeing if there's a "mutual connection" and simply let the fact that you are inviting her to see you again do ALL the talking.

There's really no need to couch it in formalities or anything else that could artificially (and unnecessarily) inject awkwardness into the conversation.

Going forward, here are two key ideas to keep in mind when reading a woman's level of interest on a first date:


1) Most women aren't going to be "all over you" on first dates.

The unfortunate social stigma of being "forward" aside, women are just as interested in NOT appearing clingy, needy and/or straight-up desperate as men are (or should be).

Besides, they LOVE when a man can take the lead (Note: This is not to be confused with "chasing".

True leadership is in fact choosing versus chasing--she's typically waiting on YOU as a man to make decisions, even as far as the progression of the relationship is concerned.)


2) Be very careful categorizing friendly conversation as a bad thing.

The problem with the "Just Be Friends Zone" is the word "Just", not the word "Friends".

A lot of dating/seduction advice for men seems to talk about avoiding friendship with women in general.

This is an unfortunate overreaction to pandemic neediness and wussiness on the part of many men.


Truth be told, a woman can discuss what's on her mind with you in a casual, matter of fact manner just like she would with platonic friends and still very much be wildly hot for you under the surface.

In fact, creating a friendship with her is crucial, otherwise there's nothing else there BUT the sexual attraction.

The difference-maker between "JBF" and the desired result is quite simply your masculine ability to ignite femininity. That's the ingredient that creates attraction.

Without that, the conversation might turn to asking your opinion on specific guys she is attracted to...and I'd agree that would NOT be a good sign.

But let's back off from the general principle at play here and take a closer look at your particular situation for a second.

She's talking about questions she has that specifically relate to being attractive to men and showing attraction toward them.

My educated guess is that she knew exactly what she was doing, and was actually fishing for your impressions of her...all the while seeking out your input on how she might show her interest towards you in a manner you'd appropriate.

So maybe she wasn't quite able to contain the "needy impulse" as much as you might have thought, after all.

I'm wondering how you answered her questions, and--more importantly--did you give her something she could act upon?

If so...did she?

I hope you didn't miss any of that if it happened right there in the moment. Once again, it's difficult for us guys to get outside our own heads sometimes.

By the way, remember the stone-faced "hands-off" chick from a the beginning of this e-mail? You can't judge a book by its cover even in those situations.

Sometimes women are very, very cautious--both with their actions and their words.

They may be protective because of past experiences with unworthy guys, their mamas may have told them to never be "forward", or they may just not have the kind of personality that shows attraction so obviously.

Usually the answer, of course, is that guys don't consider there to have been any interest on her part...even though under the poker-faced surface, there was plenty going on.

Generally speaking, lack of decided DISinterest can actually indicate very good news in the overall sense.

The big test is if such a woman goes on the second date. If she's there, she remains at least somewhat interested--regardless of her signals.

Then if there's a third date, there's no doubt about her interest level.

This assumes, of course, that the main attraction on such dates is you--not how much money you're spending. But that's not what's going on in your case. Great job taking her someplace casual with an upbeat and fun atmosphere.

You are doing a lot of things correctly. Keep it up my good man.

[Barry]

I never thought about what you just talked about Dennis, thanks for the help.