Inappropriate

[KazzaT]

I am beside myself I have been with someone for 4 years and he told me he had two girl mates but when asked about them he flips out at me asked if I could see them but said NO. Anyways he messages them quite frequently and always kisses at the end of text message. He met up with the one whilst I was away on holiday with my family made suggestions like push-ups hand up her skirt. I am hurting big tune over this only problem he doesn’t know I see his messages how can I approach this?

[Rob]

I can totally understand how you're feeling right now. Discovering something like this in a relationship can be incredibly painful and confusing. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions, right? Let's break it down and talk about how you can approach this difficult situation.

First of all, it's completely natural to feel hurt and betrayed by your partner's actions. After four years together, you've invested a lot of time and emotion into this relationship, and you deserve honesty and respect in return. It's not easy when trust is compromised, but it's essential to address the issue rather than burying your feelings.

Now, the fact that he flips out when you ask about these two "girl mates" is a red flag. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to discuss concerns and doubts openly and calmly. It's a two-way street, and communication is key. So, it's time to have an honest conversation with him.

Approaching this conversation might be tricky since he doesn't know that you've seen his messages. You'll need to find a way to bring it up without sounding accusatory. Start by expressing your feelings rather than accusing him of wrongdoing. You could say something like, "I've been feeling a bit insecure and worried about our relationship lately, and I'd like to talk to you about it."

This approach creates a safe space for both of you to share your feelings. He might open up about why he's been messaging these girls so frequently and why he met up with one of them while you were away. Remember, it's essential to listen to his side of the story, even if it's hard to hear.

When you do bring up the messages, try not to come across as confrontational. Instead, express your concerns about the nature of the messages, like the kisses at the end and the suggestive comments. Ask him to explain the context behind these interactions. It's possible that there's a reasonable explanation, but you won't know until you ask.

In any case, it's crucial to assert your boundaries and communicate your expectations for the relationship. Let him know how his actions have made you feel and what you need to rebuild trust. Open and honest communication is key to resolving these issues.

Ultimately, the goal here is to have a productive conversation and, ideally, find a resolution that works for both of you. Whether that involves rebuilding trust or reevaluating the relationship, it's important to prioritize your own emotional well-being and make decisions that align with your values and needs.

Remember, you're not alone in dealing with relationship challenges. Many of us have faced similar situations, and it's a part of the journey of love and growth. So, take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and have that conversation when you feel ready.

[Anthonia]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time in your relationship. It's never easy when trust issues and doubts start to creep in, especially after being with someone for four years. Let me begin by saying that your feelings are entirely valid, and it's important to address this situation with care and honesty.

First things first, I can understand why you might feel hurt and confused. Discovering that your partner is messaging other people in a flirty or suggestive manner can be incredibly unsettling. It's natural to have a million questions swirling in your mind, and it's completely normal to feel like you're going "beside yourself."

Now, regarding the fact that your partner doesn't know you've seen these messages – this is a delicate situation. Honesty is crucial in any relationship, but it's also important to choose the right moment and approach. You don't want to start an argument or confrontation that may not lead to a productive conversation.

Here's a suggestion: find a calm and private moment to sit down with your partner. Express your feelings without accusing or attacking him. Use "I" statements to communicate how his actions have made you feel. For instance, you could say, "I felt really hurt and confused when I saw those messages," instead of "You hurt me with those messages." This approach helps avoid defensiveness.

Try to encourage an open dialogue by asking questions. Ask him to explain his interactions with these friends and why he's kept them secret. Maybe there's a reason behind his behavior that you're not aware of. Make sure to listen actively to his side of the story as well.

In this conversation, it's important to express your boundaries and what you consider appropriate behavior within your relationship. Trust is the foundation of any healthy partnership, and both parties should be on the same page regarding what is acceptable.

If he acknowledges his mistakes and is willing to work on the issues at hand, it could be a positive sign for your relationship. However, if he becomes defensive or refuses to discuss it, that's a red flag that you might need to consider.

Remember, relationships require effort from both sides. It's not solely your responsibility to make it work. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being. Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made for your own happiness and peace of mind.

In the end, I'm here to tell you that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and secure. Don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist if you feel overwhelmed. Take the steps necessary to ensure your own happiness and well-being.