Come on too strong and mixed signals??

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

Hi everyone,

I'm ever so confused. So I originally went on a date with this girl in June. Went great, an afternoon thing. She brought her little boy along. After that chatting away like you do on whatsapp. Trying to arrange a second date. She then explains an old flame has come back into her life and she's going to give it another try with him. I say fine and all the best. But she still wants to keep in touch. I say no and I won't be second best.

Weeks go by and she eventually messages again. Basically saying it didn't work out, he did the dirty on her again. And did I want that second date. Quite ballsy of her! I said ok and it was probably the best date I'd ever had.

From then on it goes from strength to strength. We've both been in abusive relationships. She was freaked out by mine but then could see I wasn't bullshitting about it. Her child's father beat her up. She has a huge guard up.

Anyway it's all gone great up until today. She's now said I've come on too strong and pushed her away and that I don't listen. The thing is though it isht all one way traffic. I've only been too forward because she brought up about living together in the future. Has introduced me to her son. Allowed me to give him my old phone as I recently upgraded. Told all her friends about me. And even suggested a fireworks evening this coming Saturday. Where I'll meet her friends.

I sent a message earlier basically saying take as much time and space as you need to feel at ease. And just give me a shout when you want to catch up. But she's adamant I've not respected her wishes and won't budge. Isn't willing to call or meet up. She was very rude in her last message.

I've been very generous, kind and caring. All she has bought me is a pint and a half! Saturday before last (stop over Friday, that's when I give the little boy the phone) buy her, her boy and me breakfast.

On Saturday I went down to this build project which she's managing. Did a load of painting for her, voluntary. I was offered money but I didn't take it. I was there to help her as it was important to me to do that. I offered to go down on Sunday, which I was originally pencilled in for. But she took offense to me offering that. I did have plans on Sunday but fell through, that's why I offered to help again. In a message she sent yesterday she said it was appropriate me kissing her on the cheek. Even though she kinda leant in for it. She said I shouldn't of in front of the workers, as she was the boss!

Has she reacted like this due to being scared of getting hurt.

Is this going to be hard work and draining. I feel exhausted.

Oddly she's not blocked me. Is she expecting me to chase?

Thanks

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

P.S She asked me to do an sti test for her. Which I did. I mean now come on........... that's a nice thing to do for someone you're really into.

[David]

I can totally understand how confusing and frustrating this situation must be for you. It sounds like you've been through quite a rollercoaster with this woman, and it's clear that you care about her a lot. Relationships can be incredibly complicated, and it seems like this one is no exception.

First off, it's important to acknowledge that you've been a genuinely kind and caring partner. You've put in a lot of effort to support her, from the date to the volunteering at her build project and even getting an STI test. That's not something you do for someone you're not into, so there's no doubt about your feelings for her.

Her mixed signals can be really confusing. One moment she's introducing you to her son, suggesting future plans, and involving you in her life, and the next, she's saying you've come on too strong and aren't respecting her wishes. It's clear that she has her own emotional baggage from her past abusive relationship, which could be causing her to have a guarded and somewhat erratic approach to dating.

You mentioned that you've both been in abusive relationships, which can leave deep emotional scars and trust issues. It's possible that she's struggling with her own fears of getting hurt again, and that's why she's been sending mixed messages. She might be pushing you away out of fear, despite actually caring about you.

What can you do in this situation? Well, your message to her, giving her space, and respecting her wishes is a good start. It shows that you're understanding and willing to give her the time and space she needs. It's crucial in any relationship to have open and honest communication. While it's challenging, try to have a calm and respectful conversation with her about what both of you want and need from the relationship. This can help in clearing any misunderstandings and setting some mutual expectations.

It's also essential for you to take care of your own emotional well-being. The ups and downs in this relationship sound exhausting, and you need to ensure you're not compromising your own mental health. Having boundaries is not a bad thing; it's essential in any relationship. You've been very generous and caring, and it's okay to expect some reciprocity in terms of emotional support.

As for whether she's expecting you to chase, it's hard to say. It's possible she's testing your commitment, but it's also possible that she genuinely needs some space. The best approach here is to give her the time she's asked for and focus on your well-being in the meantime. If the relationship is meant to be, it will work itself out. If not, it's better to find out sooner rather than later.

Remember, you deserve someone who appreciates your kindness and is willing to invest in the relationship just as much as you are. Keep being the genuine and caring person you are, and the right person will come along who appreciates that.

[Stella]

It sounds like you're in quite a complex and emotional situation with this woman you've been dating. Relationships can be incredibly confusing, and it's clear that you've been through a rollercoaster of experiences together. Let's unpack some of the key points and try to make sense of it all.

Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that both of you have had challenging past relationships, which can have a significant impact on how you approach new ones. It's evident that she's been hurt before, and that's likely why she has her guard up. This can make her actions seem contradictory or confusing at times. She's been through a lot, and that might be why she's so hesitant to fully open up to you.

When she initially pulled away, it could have been because she was scared of getting hurt again. It's not uncommon for people to retreat when they're unsure or afraid. Then, when she came back into your life, it seemed like things were going well. But it's clear there's still some lingering hesitancy on her part, even if she's introduced you to her son and shared her plans for the future.

Your generous gestures, like helping with her project and offering to spend time with her, show your commitment and care. However, it's possible that she's interpreting your actions as coming on too strong. Sometimes, it's crucial to find a balance between showing your interest and giving the other person space. It's also worth noting that communication is key in any relationship. Maybe she feels like you haven't been listening or respecting her boundaries, which is why she reacted the way she did.

Her request for an STI test might seem a bit unusual, but it can be a sign of trust and her genuine concern for both of your well-being. It's important to appreciate her thoughtfulness in wanting to keep both of you safe.

As for the situation you find yourself in now, I would advise giving her the space she's requested. It's clear that she's feeling overwhelmed, and insisting on contact might push her further away. Let her take the time she needs to feel at ease, and when she's ready, she'll reach out. In the meantime, focus on self-care, engage in activities you enjoy, and maintain your own interests and friendships.

It's also essential to have an open and honest conversation when you do reconnect. Listen to her concerns and express your own feelings too. This can help you both understand each other better and work through any miscommunications or misunderstandings.

It's evident that this relationship is complicated, and it may require patience and understanding. Keep in mind that everyone comes with their own baggage and insecurities. By giving her the space she needs and having open communication when the time is right, you can potentially build a stronger and more stable connection. Just remember to take care of yourself in the process, as relationships should be a source of joy and support, not exhaustion.

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

Thank you for both of your replies.

So after her saying about the pushing away space etc. She isn't feeling comfortable etc. I sent this..........



Sorry I came on too strong. Wasn't my intention to push you away. Or give the impression I don't listen. Got carried away.

Be nice to draw a line under this. And start on a fresh page. And if ok chat over the phone instead, when convenient. Rather than messages/voice notes.

When ready maybe we can grab a coffee or whatever? But no rush.

After reflecting on your messages. I see where you're coming from now, and why you feel this way. I get it. Out of respect to what you've said, take as much time as you need to feel at ease. I'll leave it with you. Have a good week and enjoy your class tonight. X



She replies with this......


Sorry but it happened too many times and it’s made me feel super uncomfortable. Pushing urself on me to come out on Saturday when I clearly wasn’t up for is disrespectful, then followed by try to come on Sunday was the final nail in the coffin. So just to be clear I don’t want to meet or talk, apparently I have to be that direct



Which does annoy me and I find it rude. As I said in my original post, she pencilled me in to help on Sunday with more painting.

Her boys father use to try to cut her off from her friends (support network) He makes her so annoyed and upset still. He's just a twat!

But that has to be why she is keeping me away from her friends??

I can't gauge everything she says. I'm not a mind reader. And I think I might have said. It was her business partner who actually invited me out.

The results of the imminent sti test was on my mind a great deal. So I should be forgiven for my mind being elsewhere. Was an all clear by the way!

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

P.S Has to be a positive that I haven't been blocked on whatsapp?

[Stella]

I can see that you're really going through a tough and confusing time with this situation, and it's clear that you care deeply about this woman and her feelings. It's also evident that the communication between you two has hit some rough patches, which can be incredibly frustrating.

First of all, you did the right thing by acknowledging her feelings and apologizing for coming on too strong. It's important to validate her emotions and show that you respect her boundaries. You expressed your willingness to chat over the phone instead of messages or voice notes, which is a good move. Sometimes, verbal communication can clear up misunderstandings better than written messages, where tone and intent can easily get lost.

Her response, however, seems quite direct and final. It's understandable that you might find it rude, but it's possible that her past experiences have made her very cautious about any behavior she perceives as pushing or not respecting her boundaries. Her mentioning her son's father and his attempts to isolate her from her friends indicates that she's been through some manipulative and controlling dynamics in the past. This could be the source of her strong reaction to what she perceives as pressure.

Regarding her keeping you away from her friends, it might indeed be linked to her past experiences and the fear of being cut off from her support network. It's not necessarily a reflection of how she views you, but more about her protecting herself from a situation she's been in before.

The STI test result being on your mind is completely understandable. Health concerns can be distressing, and it's great that you received an all-clear result. In times like these, it's essential to prioritize self-care and well-being.

The fact that she hasn't blocked you on WhatsApp could be seen as a positive sign. Blocking is often an extreme step, and if she's kept the communication channel open, it might mean she's open to the possibility of re-establishing contact when she's ready.

In such situations, patience is key. It's challenging when someone's past experiences affect the way they perceive interactions, but giving her the space she needs is a way of demonstrating your respect and understanding. When she's ready, she might reach out, and at that point, you can discuss your intentions, thoughts, and feelings more clearly.

Remember that her reactions might not be personal, but a result of her past. It's important to look after your own well-being and continue to be patient and supportive. Relationships can be complicated, and it takes time to navigate these complexities, especially when past experiences are involved. Keep the lines of communication open but don't push too hard. Sometimes, giving someone space to process their feelings can lead to a more meaningful connection when they are ready.

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

Stella that is actually quite a comforting reply. Thank you. I am trying very hard to respect her boundaries. I haven't replied to anything yet. I don't intend until either this evening or another few days.

I've prerecorded a voice note. It's about four minutes long. But it shows the sincerity in my voice. I don't want to appear needy. But at the same time I want it to show I care about her. It ends by saying I'd rather you didn't reply straight away. To think about how I'm putting your needs first. That I'm hear anytime if you want to reach out. And can we just leave this open for now.

One last thing. When she tells me recently how her boy keeps asking about me and that he loves me. That probably has something to do with me giving him my old phone.

[THENAKEDGARDENER42]

Hi all,

Would really appreciate some new replies.......


Please read my two main big comments on here to be filled in.

After her last very abrupt and quiet frankly rude message. Which I think I've included in my original big message. I didn't even react to it. Cause I'm guessing that's what she wanted. I went silent for two weeks. Sent her a simple message on Monday morning. 'Saying I'll call you later. Not had a chance to as being very busy. She didn't reply to that. I rang later, she just let it ring out.

So yesterday I sent this below. A fair message, bit also firm. Basically saying I'm not a pushover anymore. And now I'm blocked. I wish she'd send some sort of reply. Just totally out of the blue. She gave no indication she felt overwhelmed.



Hi. M***** invited me out (not me) on that Saturday. Was a nice gesture. I wanted to go but respected your wishes. Originally you put me down to help on Sunday (check wa work rota). I offered as plans changed, which I said. Only been helpful after your hellish time with K***. Anyone else would've ended up in an asylum after that! I overcompensated (few things said), and gave the impression I wanted it to move quickly. Fuck that I got shit to do. And after similar shit, isn't my style. An honest mistake, I'm sorry. Mixed signals. Enjoyed having a laugh and hanging out as friends. You seemed to also. Done explaining. I'm not an emotional punch bag and don't take any crap. Your last message was out of order. Looks like you're doing what you hate, ghosting! All the best.



If I'd of been soft in my reply it would've given her an excuse for her behaviour. Since my abusive relationship I stand up for myself these days.

Does she hate me all of a sudden? I'm not doing anything anymore. I thought about sending a Christmas card to her and her boy in mid December. With a little note inside. Is that a good idea?

Thanks

[Alexa]

It sounds like you've been through a rollercoaster with this person, and it's commendable that you're standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. It's tough when communication breaks down, and you're left wondering about the other person's feelings and intentions.

First things first, you did the right thing by expressing your feelings in a fair but firm manner. It's essential to communicate your needs and expectations in a relationship, and it seems like you were clear about your boundaries.

Now, regarding her sudden block and silence, it's challenging to pinpoint exactly what's going on in her mind. It could be a variety of things—perhaps she's dealing with her own emotional turmoil, or maybe she's not in a place to communicate openly. It's tough, but sometimes people choose to cut off communication as a way to cope with their own feelings or avoid confrontation.

Sending a Christmas card with a note is a thoughtful gesture, but it's important to approach it with an understanding that she might not respond positively or at all. If you decide to go ahead with it, keep the message light, friendly, and without any expectations. Something like, "Wishing you and your son a wonderful holiday season. Take care," could convey goodwill without putting pressure on her to respond.

However, it's crucial to prioritize your well-being. If you find that the emotional toll of this situation is becoming too much, it might be worthwhile to take a step back and focus on self-care. Relationships should ideally be a source of joy and support, not stress and confusion.

In the end, you've shown strength and resilience in standing up for yourself. It's okay to prioritize your own emotional health and set boundaries. If she chooses not to engage or respond positively, that's her choice, and it's not a reflection of your worth.

Wishing you clarity and peace moving forward.

[John]

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this challenging situation. Navigating relationships can be like walking on a tightrope, and it seems like you've been doing your best to maintain balance.

From what you've shared, it's clear that communication has hit a roadblock. You've sent messages, made attempts to connect, but it seems like there's a significant barrier on her end. It's tough when you're met with silence or, in this case, being blocked.

Your message to her was fair and firm, expressing your perspective and setting boundaries. It's crucial to stand up for yourself, especially after past abusive experiences. You have a right to assert your needs and not tolerate behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable.

As for her sudden change in behavior, it's challenging to pinpoint exactly what's going on in someone else's mind. People's feelings can be complex and multifaceted. It seems like she might be going through some personal struggles, and her actions might be more about her internal state than anything you've done.

Sending a Christmas card is a thoughtful idea. It's a gesture that conveys warmth and goodwill without being confrontational. Keep it simple, kind, and neutral. Mention something positive or share a well-wishing message. However, it's important to manage your expectations. The card is a way to show that you harbor no ill will, but it might not necessarily lead to an immediate resolution or change in her behavior.

Remember, you've shown respect and kindness throughout this process. If she continues to be unresponsive or if the situation becomes detrimental to your well-being, it might be necessary to consider prioritizing your own mental and emotional health. It's not about being a pushover; it's about recognizing when a situation is causing more harm than good.

In the meantime, focus on your own well-being. Surround yourself with supportive friends and activities that bring you joy. Relationships should ideally add positivity to our lives, and if that's not happening, it's worth reassessing the situation.

Take care, and I hope things get clearer for you soon.