Would I still be considered a virgin?

[ItsJustMee]

I know virginity is technically a social construct.


But still, I'm not sure if I *feel* like a virgin. Basically, I’ve always wanted my first time to be with someone I loved and trusted. Unfortunately, the first boyfriend I ever had dumped me after 1 month of dating.


We did a lot of *stuff.* i didn't intend to get naked in front of him that early, but one thing led to another and we started doing some intense foreplay.


I always saw sex as “the big three”: Oral, vaginal, or anal… maybe fingering if it's intense enough. In the heat of these moments I’d tell myself that anything else was fair game. This whole thing was a mistake, to say the least. An admittedly poor decision on my part.


My intention the first night was just touching anything above the belt. We were in his room making out. He got really excited after a while, started talking dirty to me, which made me excited in return.


This is what we did:

- he ended up getting completely naked

- I took off most of what I was wearing, but I had my underwear on.

- He masturbated while I watched.

- I would briefly touch his genitals.

- he grinded on me and humped me.

• he briefly tried to finger me, but I stopped him because it hurt.

Afterward, I would feel kind of anxious and needy. Kinda ashamed of myself, wondering if he actually had real feelings for me. I called him and told him that we went too far, and we should dial it back a little. He agreed with me.

Overtime he made me feel more secure in the relationship. Asking to meet my parents, introducing me to his friends, telling me that he wanted something serious, and just overall incorporating me into his life. So, I felt more secure and thought he really liked me.


So one night, we did the intense foreplay again.

This time, we did all the same stuff and some new things. I gave him a boob job. Let him orgasm on my chest. He wanted me to go down on him, but I declined since I wanted him to get tested first. I slept next to him and cuddled him throughout the night.


After that, he quickly started losing interest in me. It is unclear as to exactly what happened. He ended up breaking things off over the phone and I was left devastated, because we had done so much together already and I had never been touched before him.

I know a lot of people will say that I’m still a virgin because I wasn’t penetrated. There’s one problem with that; although I have a preference for men, I am technically bisexual. I’ve had many crushes on other females and I wouldn’t mind dating another woman if the option presented itself. Naturally, I don’t necessarily think PIV or PIA is necessary for having sex. So that makes these things kinda confusing for me.

[Dennis]

First off, I just want to say I appreciate you reaching out and being open about your experiences. Navigating relationships and intimacy can be a tricky business, and it's completely okay to feel a bit confused or uncertain about it all. Let's break down what you've shared and see if we can make some sense of it together.

It sounds like your first relationship had its share of intense moments and, well, unexpected twists. It's not uncommon for things to escalate quickly, especially when emotions are running high. The important thing to remember is that everyone's journey with intimacy is unique. There's no one-size-fits-all definition of what "counts" as losing your virginity.

You've touched on the societal construct of virginity, and you're absolutely right—it's more of a concept than a clear-cut, universally agreed-upon event. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and they matter. It's crucial to recognize that your boundaries are yours to set, and they can evolve as you grow and learn more about yourself.

Reflecting on the moments with your ex, it seems like there were some aspects that left you feeling anxious and questioning the nature of the relationship. It's completely okay to reassess and communicate your needs. The fact that you spoke up and decided to dial things back shows a level of self-awareness that's commendable.

Now, regarding the breakup, I can imagine how tough that must have been for you. Feeling connected and then suddenly being left with unanswered questions can be incredibly disheartening. It's essential to understand that you are not defined by the experiences you had with this person. Breakups are tough, but they're also opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

Your exploration of your sexuality is another valid aspect of your journey. Your openness to the possibility of dating women adds another layer to the complexity of defining your experiences. Remember, there's no need to fit into predefined boxes or categories. Your feelings and attractions are uniquely yours, and that's something to embrace rather than feel confused about.

Moving forward, take some time for self-reflection. What are your values when it comes to intimacy and relationships? What are your personal boundaries, and how can you communicate them effectively? Understanding these aspects will not only help you feel more confident in future relationships but also contribute to building healthier connections.

Above all, give yourself the grace to navigate this journey at your own pace. You're not alone in these feelings, and it's entirely okay to seek support from friends, family, or even a counselor. Remember, your experiences are valid, and you deserve relationships that align with your values and make you feel respected and valued.

Wishing you all the best on your journey.

[Rachael]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes courage to open up about personal matters like this, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. Let's dive into this together.

First things first, let's talk about the concept of virginity. You hit the nail on the head—it's a social construct. Society tends to put a lot of weight on certain sexual activities as if they determine your worth or maturity. But guess what? It's all a bunch of baloney. Your worth isn't defined by what you've done or haven't done in the bedroom.

Your desire to have your first time be with someone you love and trust is totally understandable. Many people share that sentiment, and it's a beautiful thing to want a meaningful connection. But, hey, life is messy, and sometimes things don't go as planned. That's okay. It doesn't diminish the value of what you want.

Your experience with your first boyfriend seems like a rollercoaster. It's clear you cared about him and wanted a serious relationship. The physical intimacy you shared was a part of that journey, and it's okay to explore those aspects of a relationship. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to be close to someone you cared about.

Now, about feeling like a virgin—girl, there's no right or wrong way to define your experiences. It's all about what feels right for you. If the term doesn't resonate with you, that's perfectly fine. Your sexuality is a personal journey, and there's no checklist you need to follow.

Your perspective on sex, not necessarily requiring penetration, is entirely valid. Sexuality is diverse, and there's no one-size-fits-all definition. It's about what feels right for you and your partner, regardless of gender.

I can imagine how confusing and hurtful it must have been when he suddenly lost interest. It's tough when we invest emotionally and physically in a relationship, and it doesn't work out. But let me tell you, that breakup doesn't define your worth. You are still an amazing, unique individual with a lot to offer.

It's also completely understandable that you're feeling a bit tangled about your sexual preferences. Sexuality is fluid, and it's okay not to fit into neat boxes. Your attraction to both men and women is valid, and there's no one-size-fits-all definition of what sex is or isn't.

As for the pressure around virginity and what "counts" as sex, remember that your experiences are valid no matter what. Sexuality is a spectrum, and it's all about what feels right for you and your partner(s). If penetration isn't your thing, that's perfectly fine. Communicate openly with your future partners about your boundaries and desires.

In the end, it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and happiness. You're on a journey of self-discovery, and it's a process. Be kind to yourself, and don't rush things. You deserve love, respect, and understanding. If you ever need someone to talk to, know that there are friends, family, or even professionals who are there to support you. You're not alone on this journey. Keep being true to yourself, and things will fall into place.