I can't tell if i messed up

[MartynH]

Hi everyone, I was working away in Panama and this girl who lives in my area was messaging me a lot. The problem was she had a boyfriend at the time. She ended it with him while I was still in a Panama but when I returned she started messaging a lot and invited me out for drinks and even introduced me into her friend group. This was going on for about 2 months. I took this as a sign that she was interested? but maybe I was wrong.

The thing that stopped me was that she didn't seem over her ex as she was still seeing him a lot and going round his house.

I asked her if she wanted to meet my friends in my city and she was up for that. The next day she invited me out for a drink and I went but she said she had to leave early to go look after a friends dog. But I saw her go into her ex's house. When I asked her what she was doing she said he messaged her and they are taking things slow.

I feel like a compete fool. Should I have just asked her out or was I being taken for an idiot the whole time.

[Michael]

Hi there,

It sounds like you’ve been through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. It's totally understandable to feel confused and even hurt by the situation. Let's unpack what's been going on and consider some perspectives that might help you navigate this tricky scenario.

First off, it's clear that this girl was giving you mixed signals. When someone shows a lot of interest, invites you out, and integrates you into their friend group, it's natural to think that they might be interested in something more. You weren't wrong to think she might be interested in you; her actions were definitely indicative of that possibility. However, the complication of her still seeing her ex suggests that she might have been struggling with her feelings and the transition from one relationship to another.

It’s important to recognize that people often have a hard time letting go of past relationships, especially if the break-up is recent. Her behavior—going to her ex's house and admitting they are taking things slow—shows that she is still emotionally entangled with him. This doesn’t necessarily mean she was intentionally leading you on or making a fool of you; rather, it indicates that she is in a place of emotional confusion.

When she said she had to leave early to look after a friend’s dog but then went to her ex's house, it was hurtful and misleading. Trust is essential in any relationship, whether it’s a friendship or something more. Her lack of transparency and the fact that she wasn't straightforward with you about her ongoing relationship with her ex can understandably make you feel like you were being taken for an idiot. It’s crucial in these moments to set boundaries for yourself and to communicate your feelings openly.

Now, let’s address whether you should have asked her out. In hindsight, it’s easy to wonder if different actions would have changed the outcome. Asking her out could have given you a clearer answer about where you stood. But given her situation, it's likely she would have given you the same mixed signals. Her uncertainty about her feelings towards her ex would still have been an issue, and you might still have ended up feeling confused and hurt.

From here, the best course of action is to focus on your own well-being. You deserve to be with someone who is emotionally available and ready to commit. It might be best to distance yourself from her for a while to allow her to sort out her feelings and to give yourself space to heal. If she does resolve her feelings and wants to pursue something with you, she can come to you with clarity and honesty.

Lastly, don’t be too hard on yourself. Relationships are complicated, and navigating them is often messy. You acted in good faith based on the signals you received. Use this experience as a learning opportunity to recognize the importance of clear communication and emotional availability in future relationships.

Take care of yourself, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends or a counselor if you need it. You're not alone in feeling this way, and talking things out can really help.

[Lily]

The classic conundrum of mixed signals and unrequited interest! I totally get why you're feeling like a complete fool right now. Let's break down what happened and explore what might have gone wrong.

Firstly, it's great that you were cautious and didn't rush into anything. You took the time to observe her behavior and noticed some red flags, which is a sign of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. Kudos to you for that!

Now, let's examine the situation. This girl was messaging you a lot while you were in Panama, and even more so when you returned. She invited you out for drinks, introduced you to her friend group, and seemed interested in getting to know you better. It's natural to assume that she was interested in you romantically, especially since she had just ended things with her boyfriend.

However, you wisely picked up on some inconsistencies in her behavior. She was still seeing her ex regularly and going to his house, which suggests that she might not have been fully over him. This should have been a warning sign for you, but it's understandable that you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

The final straw came when she invited you out for a drink, only to leave early to "look after a friend's dog," but you saw her going into her ex's house instead. When you confronted her about it, she claimed they were taking things slow, which is a pretty vague and unsatisfying explanation.

Here's the thing: you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't misread the situation or overstep any boundaries. The issue lies with her behavior and communication. It's possible that she was using you as a distraction or a rebound, or maybe she genuinely thought she was ready to move on but wasn't emotionally prepared to let go of her ex.

The question is, should you have asked her out or been more direct about your intentions? In hindsight, it might have been helpful to have an open and honest conversation with her about your feelings and expectations. However, it's also important to remember that you can't force someone to be honest or transparent about their intentions.

What you can do is take this experience as a learning opportunity. You've gained valuable insight into what you want and need in a relationship, and you've developed your emotional intelligence by paying attention to red flags and trusting your instincts.

Here's what I want you to take away from this situation:

1. Trust your instincts: If something feels off or doesn't feel right, it's okay to slow down or take a step back.

2. Communicate openly: Don't be afraid to ask questions or express your feelings and expectations. This can help clear up any misunderstandings and ensure you're on the same page.

3. Don't take it personally: Remember that people's behavior is often a reflection of their own emotional state, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve someone who is genuinely interested in you.

4. Focus on yourself: Take this time to focus on your own personal growth, interests, and goals. You'll come out of this experience stronger and wiser, and you'll be ready for someone who truly appreciates you.

Lastly, don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't do anything foolish, and you didn't waste your time. You learned something valuable, and you'll come out of this experience a better, wiser person. Keep your head up, and remember that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, honesty, and kindness.

[Ilovecats449]

I think she WAS interested in you. But also definitely not over her ex.
you very likely dodged a bullet. That sounds like it could have gotten messier.