What Is the Correct Approach When Someone Doesn't Appear To Want To Be Approached?

[Drake]

Went to the corner coffee shop for lunch, it was mostly empty at 3 pm. In the back of the shop an attractive woman was sitting alone at a small table working on her laptop.

She looked very stern, preoccupied.

It looked like a tough challenge so I sat down at a different table and went about my lunch.

What is the correct approach when someone doesn't appear to want to be approached?

Maybe the best approach is to catch her later.

[LoveAdmin]

Hello Rich,

Let me tell you, coaching both men and women can get very interesting.

I'm amazed by how useful the coaching we give men is for women to overhear, and vice-versa.

And indeed, the number one issue we get from women without a guy in their life at the moment is "Why won't guys talk to me?"

Assuming there's no easy explanation based on mental health, hygiene and/or congenital resemblance to a Wookiee, the answer is almost always because they simply don't make themselves
approachable.

Stern expressions. Cold demeanors. Always too busy (or flat-out oblivious to her surroundings) to even potentially realize that someone else may want to strike up a conversation.

Sure, some of these women have boyfriends, are married or simply are not interested in being approached for whatever reason. Yet the fact remains that others have no idea they're broadcasting a non-verbal (but crystal clear) message to "stay away".

Similarly, women act completely cold on first dates so as not to appear "needy" or "slutty", and then wonder why guys never want second dates.

News flash: It's not necessarily because all men are sex obsessed dogs. All too often a guy doesn't ask for the second date because he thought the woman was disinterested and therefore didn't risk the potential "rejection" of asking.

Certainly by now you know that I'm a consistent proponent of "manning up" and talking to whichever women you'd like.

It's not a contest. It's a conversation.

Your manhood is not on the line every time you make a well-formed attempt to speak to a woman whom you've never met.

And for certain it's important for guys to take leadership on dates.

But sure, each of us is far from perfect...and farther at some times than others, unfortunately.

Even so, it's all too easy for a guy--or a woman, when the shoe is on the other foot--to assume he or she has messed up every time things don't go according to what's envisioned.

But that's not a reasonable assumption. It's a simple truth that sometimes the person you'd like to meet could use to work on his or her social skills.

So the important takeaway is that what you encountered today was her problem, not yours.

That's important to understand.

If someone doesn't seem approachable and/or even friendly, why should anyone even care to "bother" him or her? Right?

I mean, stern, preoccupied people suck, huh? Conversation involves two people. Otherwise, it's just a "versation".

If you really were hell-bent on talking to her, my approach would have been to call her out directly on how she's coming across, preferably with a wry smile.

Example: "You know, I'm wondering if under that cold, focused exterior there is someone who's actually friendlier than she looks."

Or, "Oh come on...life can't be THAT frustrating, can it?"

Should she immediately smile and "loosen up", then you'll have a nice chance to meet a woman who may very well have no idea why men are so "intimidated" by talking to her.

In such case you'll set yourself apart from the masses of "everymen" straightaway, and she'll have no choice but to be a bit intrigued.

If she bites your head off, you simply cannot take it personally.

If she is rude or unfriendly toward a warm, confident person who is being appropriately outgoing, it's her problem.

Would you ever treat someone the way she's treating you? If the answer is "never in a million years", then you deserve better.

In that case, yes, catch her later...much.

[Drake]

LoveAdmin, thanks for you advice.