What To Do When She's Been Mistreated By Other Guys

[Michael]

My question came up the other night when I was talking with a woman that was interested in me. We were having a great conversation and somehow she had brought up that she had been drugged and raped a few years prior.

This isn't the first time this has happened with me and a woman in conversation. It actually has happened several times, like around 5 or 6 different women. They have either been raped or sexually abused somehow. And I know there are many more out there.

I never asked specifically about their past. The topic usually comes up after I bust on them about something that they do that seems a bit odd, and then they produce their story of rape or abuse as an excuse for their weird behavior.

My question is: Is there any good or better way to handle this kind of thing when it comes up?

If the topic only came once in my life I would disregard it as a fluke, but I have never heard this area addressed by any of the other dating gurus, and I think it may have some importance.

I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me.

[John]

Hello Michael. What a terrific question you've asked

Yes, there's an inherent risk when being open and flirtatious with women that you are going to unwittingly hit a sore subject for her.

The very first thing I want to express to you is that if you've been a respectful, fun human being there should be no reason to blame yourself when situations like the one you're describing come up out of the blue.

Along those same lines, you shouldn't change your style of casually approaching women or your positive demeanor. What a woman's past looks like and how it may have affected her negatively is beyond your control.

But yes, seemingly innocuous flirtation with women can suddenly turn sticky (and you *may* not know why...or EVER find out, frankly).

Unfortunately, it has been estimated that over 50% of all women have experienced some sort of sexual or physical assault. In fact, so have a lot of MEN, especially in childhood.

How someone of either gender reacts to these traumatic situations contributes significantly to who he or she is as an individual later on, for better or worse.

Some people are strong and remain virtually unaffected, while others are scarred for life with a victim's mentality.

First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip or any sort of "man bashing" attitude on you if you were simply attempting to be friendly.

It's not your fault she was assaulted, and you're not like the other guy.

I can't underscore that point enough. Do not let anyone tell you that all men are bad, or lay the blame on you for what some other thug has done in the past.

If and when these situations come up as you've described, stop kidding around (at least temporarily) and take her emotions seriously...but don't let her wallow in self-pity, either.

It sounds like in your case women are just throwing everything out there on the table as part of saying, "I'm sorry" purely from a position of low self esteem. Feel absolutely free to tell a woman that she can stop saying "I'm sorry" when she has nothing to be sorry for.

And you can likewise tell her in plain English that you are NOT like this other person, whoever it was, and--importantly--that your opinion of her is NOT swayed by her revelation to you regarding the past.

In doing so you may possibly empower her to move on, at least to some extent. And my impression is that if she's volunteering such info without direct inquiry, there's still a weight on her shoulders that needs to be lifted.

Also know that neither you--nor I for that matter--are in the business of psychotherapy. You can only respond as a decent human being. You cannot "cure" anyone.

But listen. You also don't have to enter into a relationship with someone who is not ready to be one half of a great relationship--for whatever reason, including the one we're talking about here.
That's crucial to remember, especially if you're a man who deserves what he wants.

Ultimately, it is everyone's own responsibility NOT to have their respective lives ruined because of events in the past. We each have a choice in that matter, whether we choose to recognize it or not.

Heck, look at my wife and I. Both of us could easily have wallowed in victimhood a few years ago after our respective divorces, but we didn't.

Thanks again for the great question. And yes--isn't it odd how most "dating advice" shies away from the more complex issues so often?

But those issues are very real and learning exactly how to handle them is precisely what makes "deserving what you want" such a valuable process and a unique destination.

[Michael]

Very helpful advice John, Thank you!