When A Woman Shows Signs Of Attraction And Then Gives The Silent Treatment

[David]

So when a woman, who was showing all the signs of attraction doesn't call when she says she will...and then gives the silent treatment... for absolutely no apparent reason... is there anything to do other than ignore her as well?

I'm starting to see a pattern that I can't seem to get past.

One woman (who made no secret of her attraction to me) scheduled a visit two months in advance... and then the morning she was supposed to arrive she informed me (only when I called her) that she had changed her mind for now. That was nearly two years ago, and we've all but ignored each other since.

Another one (whose idea it was that we should 'hang out sometime') scheduled a visit about three weeks in advance, with apparent enthusiasm.

I heard nothing from her after that.

I called two days before her scheduled arrival to discuss details, directions and left a message to that effect. I called the second and last time three hours before her scheduled arrival. She never picked up or called.

Here's the really baffling part. Three months later I saw her at the annual event where we'd met in the first place.

I tried to ignore her and keep going where I was going, but she made enough of an effort to catch my attention that I couldn't ignore her without being glaringly rude, which is not in my nature.

And she was smiling. And telling me how nice it was to see me.

I wasn't smiling, and I lied through my teeth when I said it was nice to see her, too. The truth is I was (and still am) miffed about the way she flaked and ghosted me.

She initiated a hug. I gave her a perfunctory one-armed hug without putting my guitar down (very unlike me), and then dismissed myself 'I have an appointment to keep' (how appropriate).

I haven't seen her or communicated with her since. But what if we do cross paths again?

Is there anything to gain by trying to find out what her major malfunction is and express my displeasure in her behavior? Or try to find out what I might have said or done to spook her?

Now I'm getting similar treatment from a gal whose acquaintance I made years ago. She didn't call when she said she would, about a week ago. And she was talking about paying me a visit last week.

What is there to do but ignore her as well, and move on?

[Gray]

Hello David:

This problem is reaching epidemic proportions nowadays.

You can blame the transactional nature of dating apps and/or the distance buffer of social media that has ostensibly replaced real, live socializing.

But the reality is what it is. People in general flat-out don't honor social commitments anymore.

Five years ago such behavior would have been a major social faux pas. But now that "everyone is doing it", it's as if ethics don't even factor in anymore.

Within the context of your story alone, evidence of this mindset shift include:

1) A woman you've known for years has become less reliably socially, and

2) when you see a woman who has "ghosted" you, she behaves as if nothing untoward ever happened.

But this isn't just a dating problem...and it's not just young, immature women anymore.

For example, let's say someone plans a birthday party for their kid, and twenty people RSVP. Three or five might actually show up at the party. Guests apparently have no regard for the preparations the host needs to make, and let's just say there's a lot of pizza and cake left over.

Just this last weekend I was honored to speak at the inaugural edition of one of the most promising new conference events for men in years.

One of the speakers said at the last minute he couldn't make it on the day he was supposed to speak because of a "family emergency".

Of course, "family emergency" conveniently dismisses any potential pushback in the same way "I have a boyfriend" does when a man approaches a woman.

Was there really a "family emergency"? Who knows? Nobody was going to challenge him on it, and he knew it.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the last time I needed to arrange four young women for a business function (to be announced later, by the way), three of the four texted me with a "family emergency" the day they were supposed to show up.

What are the chances?

Rich, in your case women aren't even bothering to give an excuse.

They're just straight-up ghosting you.

Know you're not alone, and that this likely has little--if anything--to do with you personally.

So what's a guy to do?

My recommendation is an updated version of the "flake proofing" strategy I've been teaching for years.

First, call out the "elephant in the room" as a pre-emptive measure before there's ever an issue. Casually mention to women you might potentially make plans with that you're appalled by the recent social trends.

Then, note what she says in response. Listen for her to agree with you.

When that happens, make it a point to say you believe it's really still a matter of personal integrity. You don't do it, and you've made a decision to spend time with those who don't either.

You might semi-joke about how all of your friends agree that "family emergencies" seem to be at an all-time high nowadays.

Boom...you've mitigated against that excuse up front.

With that, your chances of her following through on the plans you make with her have dramatically increased.

Now, legitimate excuses sometimes occur. But here's an interesting psychological twist for you...

When the excuse is for real, she'll likely give you plenty of detail as to what's going on, and the story will hold together. The less elaboration, the more likely she's bluffing.

Also, she'll usually be eager to reschedule, and adamant about wanting to. If that doesn't happens, you're simply being deprioritized.

I trust that it's an obvious decision to deprioritize her as well if that happens. You have every right not to be "Mr. Nice Guy" in those situations, and it sounds like you're already doing a fine job.

Going forward, set expectations as I've described and I'm sure you'll see less ghosting from now on. Will you completely cure the issue?

I don't think anyone's going to stop that train completely nowadays, but you'll certainly come closer than most guys will.

[David]

Wonderful advice Gray...