What Makes A Man Attractive To A Woman

[David]

I see some conflicting recommendations here in the world of dating advice. Is seems like your darned if you do, and darned if you don't.


A. Women like to be put on a pedestal, to feel adored.

B. NEVER put a woman on a pedestal because they'll think that they're above you and you'll lose attraction - falling into the friend zone.


And...


A. A woman needs to know that she's the only one for you.

B. Never let a woman think that you only have eyes for her. Make her think you're seeing other women.


AND...


A. Play hard to get and she'll chase you down.

B. Play hard to get and she'll think you're not interested, or she'll feel inadequate, or even be hurt and will never trust you again, sort of like cheating on her and expecting her to just forget about it.


These three things seem to be sticking points.

If I am with a woman who finds me attractive, she already knows that other women will too. I don't need to throw it in her face, right?

I personally feel that I can let a woman feel that she could be the only one for me, or that I can adore her, and let her feel that joy of being seen as wonderful and special.

And I can treat her heart and esteem with respect by not playing hard to get, because I am always ready to draw the line regarding how I allow her to treat me.

I am a man, and I am quick to put a stop to anyone who starts to cross the line, but I just don't like to hurt people for the sake of gaining control.

I don't want them to stay because they fear I'll go away, I want them to want to stay because they are happy that I want them to stay.

Maybe for the one night stand guys getting that control is fine, but to me, what the heck kind of a way to live is that?!

And if a woman needs to be treated that way, what kind of woman is SHE anyway?

I really enjoy treating women, and my friends in general, very well.

But if they do something to indicate that they see me as coming from a place of weakness, my conduct will let them know that I am not, and that they have one chance to knock it off and treat me with the respect that I give them, or I am gone.

Plus, I have found that to be honest with my feelings is a great way to see what a person is made of.

Life is all about testing limits to find and establish the true balance of a relationship.

That's OK, but when a person shows that they're looking to use me rather than testing limits with the purpose of making the relationship the best it can be, then those are the ones that I walk away from - women or friends in general.

I'll bring in playing sports as an example; when the game starts, you need to throw a few elbows here and there just to show the other team that they'd better respect you because you're there to win and aren't a pushover.

So, I do understand that ultimately it could be in everyone's best interest to play a few games in the beginning, not just show your hand right off the bat.

It's important to keep things from getting out of control and heading in the wrong direction, to set parameters, tell others how to treat you, see what the person is made of, and to just plain take it slow and build a foundation.

Then, if everything indicates that there's something worthwhile happening, there will be something substantial to build the rest of the relationship on from there.

[Michael]

Hello David,

You bring up some excellent points that are very well thought through.

And I trust it won't surprise you to hear that I essentially agree with everything you've said. (Well, except maybe the part about "playing games" being necessary at times.)

And as such, there's a rather disarmingly simple solution to your dilemma about the apparent contradictions between the various types of advice you've read surrounding the idea of "adoring" women.

Mostly, the point is not to pre-approve or go 'ga-ga' over a woman you don't or barely know.

Once you have chosen her from a pool of many options, however, then she has earned your very real adoration.

You see, it's desperate, needy and pushy men who are likely to suffer from real, live, full-blown "pedestal-itis". And women can smell it a mile away, believe me.

In fact, the thought pattern that races through a woman's mind when guys who don't even know her fawn over her goes something like this:


"If he's already so convinced he needs me in his life without even knowing what I'm like yet, then he's probably never going to respect me for anything more than my outward appearance. What I really need is a man who sees me as more than a pretty face and has the wherewithal to discover the depth of what I can offer in addition to that."


No kidding. This goes way beyond her simply thinking guys who suffer from "pedestal-itis" aren't in her league. There's real, live logic behind the disgust she feels.

Think about it. Put the shoe on the other foot for a quick second.

Let's say you're a multi-gazillionaire. And when you drive up to a club in your Bentley, women flock to your car before you even get out.

(Listen, I fully realize that even that is a long shot...but bear with me for the sake of illustration.)

Would you seriously consider for a minute that any of those women are ready to build a relationship of any real depth with you?

Can they possibly value you apart from the dollar signs they're already associating with you?

Sure, all that unqualified female attention may sound nice...at first.

But if you were in fact a multi-gazillionaire, my educated guess is that you would start spraying your milk-bone underwear with gold digger repellent every morning of your life...sooner than later.

Ever see "Coming To America" with Eddie Murphy? If so, you get my drift. You'd want a woman who "stimulates your mind as well as your loins".

And you'd run away from women who seemed so single-minded in their shallowness.

So in exactly the same fashion, guys who put women on pedestals early and often are the ones who lose.

And by "lose", I mean they not only lose out on the pretty women themselves, they lose out on having any relationship of depth in their lives.

Women have a lot more to offer than just sex. And if you don't yet realize that, you're a "newbie" to the joys of igniting femininity and enjoying it. 'Nuff said.

But as a man who doesn't' suffer from "pedestal-itis", if you approach a woman who you find attractive you can even go so fa as to tell her so.

BUT...you can only do that if you are a man who has options, and you have every intention of evaluating any woman you meet fully before deciding to go exclusive with her, let alone making any long-term plans with her.

Yes, you can bet your bottom dollar that women love to be appreciated for their beauty.

But that alone isn't anything new, exciting or...wait for it... confidence inspiring to a truly high quality woman.

A high quality woman is literally rocked to her core by a man who has enough character to not only step up to the plate and swing for the fence (by even approaching her), but who also tests and approves her to make sure she has the "whole package" before making any commitments to her.

That's what really makes her feel appreciated...in the most meaningful sense.

As for being "hard to catch", you should be. It must not be an act.

Yes, you've got to be honest with a woman about your intentions to take things slow at first.

You've got to value exclusivity very highly, and not just jump into those sort of relationships. Tell her that's how you view things.

In the interim, until you decide to go exclusive with her (or anyone else, for that matter), you absolutely, positively should be meeting as many women as you can.

Then you remain a man of your word.

And when she rises to become the woman you favor the most--by far--she'll know it. Probably even before you ask her to be your steady girlfriend.

She'll know it because you had choices. And you chose her.

Meanwhile, chasers will never have a snowball's chance in Yuma, AZ of conveying that kind of security to a woman.

At that point, yes...you can proceed to reassure her every day of your life that she's the one for you. She'll know that she earned it.

And by all means, for your part don't ever change.

Now finally, bear in mind that even then you should never make a woman your core "ambition".

Your life purpose apart from her always has to be #1 or she'll be very uncomfortable with the role of "supporting" you--even if emotionally rather than materially.

There's no safety and security in that for her because SHE would represent the masculine goals and the plan you're supposed to have that are actually meant to free her from any concern in that area.

[David]

Hi Michael,

That was very elaborate and descriptive. Thanks for the advice.

[Lily]

For centuries, men have looked for ways to hold the attention of a woman. They say to learn how to do something; one should study those who do it well. History shows us Casanova, Don Juan, and Romeo. Modern media shows us women, who have been so captivated by a man that they are willing to go, give, and do anything to be by their side. These modern schemesters learned well from the likes of their historical counterparts. While some have used this "captivation phenomenon" to exploit the very women they were captivating, many enormously admired men also use it. These men have discovered the fine art of meeting a woman's most basic desires.

While good looks help, they are not the basis for this captivation phenomenon. Having an intriguing presence that fills a room and emanates confidence is what inexplicably draws in women. This subtle confidence is not to be confused with arrogance or a cocky self-serving attitude. It is a kind of quiet knowing, that one is solid, not easily shifted by the opinions of others, and not seeking validation.

For this kind of man, a woman is a luxury, not a necessity. He treats a woman as a cherished prize, never seeking to master her. He desires only to learn more about what makes her unique and to nurture and feed her heart. This kind of man ignites a woman's imagination and playful spirit.

In the book Captivating, Stasi Eldridge notes the three basic desires of a woman: to be romanced, to be found irreplaceable and to be found beautiful. All women have a story, a story woven together of things that she has done, as well as the things done to her, and for her. As a result, many women have a wounded heart from not having needs met, being treated unfairly, or even being abused.

Their hearts long to be nurtured and restored. The heart represents your soul essence...your mind, will and emotions. Very few women have had these basic desires fully met. By fulfilling these key heart desires for a woman, you will create a powerful bond that is not easily broken. To captivate a woman's heart you need to meet these three key desires:

1. Desire to be "romanced."

To be wooed, desired and have someone take time to please them. Women seek this in relationships. Note the books they read, stories they enjoy and movies they watch. The idea of a man taking the time to pursue them romantically is irresistible. Look into a woman's eyes and hold her gaze. Allow her to feel that she is the only one in the room. By giving your full attention, awareness, and interest, a woman cannot help but swept up. By thoughtfully listening, smiling and engaging a woman in conversation you will hold her imagination. If you still do not understand, watch romantic movies (rent The Notebook), or read romantic literature. If you want to keep a woman endeared to you, romance her continually throughout your relationship. Small gestures of your affection, offered regularly, will hold her admiration.

2. Desire to be found irreplaceable.

To be so precious to someone, that they would be unable to replace you in their life. It is a desire to be more than simply useful, but to be essentially needed by someone. We do not come alive by just being useful. Do you want to be simply useful in your lover's life? By allowing a woman to feel that she holds an unyielding place in your life, you meet a primal desire for her. This creates a deep bond, making you irreplaceable to her as well.

3. Desire to be found beautiful.

Women desire to be seen and enjoyed, to be captivating. As Stasi Eldridge notes, "Woman want to know, 'Do you love me?', and 'Do you think I am lovely?'" It is powerful gift, that a man gives to a woman, when he shows her how desirable and precious she is to him. Women feel beautiful by the way a man looks upon her and how he touches her, gently with a strong confidence. While verbal affirmation is desirable, the body language must be present for a woman to sense that you find her beautiful.

To captivate someone is defined as to influence and dominate by some special charm, art, or trait and with an irresistible appeal. By learning the special art of how to romance a woman, make her feel irreplaceable and beautiful, you develop your captivation skills. While other men may merely date women, you will be desired by them. Those you have loved fully will never forget you. Your wife will become a trusted partner.

The best part about developing and using these skills is that once you captivate a woman's heart, she will do whatever she can to meet your basic needs. By having her needs met and wounded heart restored, she will be able to give herself fully to you. There is a saying, "Happy Wife = Happy Life." Therefore, when you make her happy she will strive keep you happy, out of love and appreciation for captivating her heart.