Chase Her Like A "Mama's Boy", Wait By The Phone, Or Do THIS

[Damian]

I've come a long way this year in getting what I deserve and being the kind of person who deserves the kind of woman he desires. I have a "what happened here?" type of question. I know I'm to blame at least in part, but want to pin it down exactly.

I'm a good-looking, cultured guy, and I met a good-looking, cultured girl at a charity event. We hit it off immediately.

She's new in town and repeatedly pointed out to me she's single. We hopped from the charity event to a nearby bar and got to know each other better. I texted her a few times, fun banter. I noted her responses were a bit infrequent / lacking but no big deal.

As a next step, I decided to take her out salsa dancing. I'm an experienced Latin dancer, so suffice it to say she really had a great time over the night.

Frankly she was gushing as we left the club. She abruptly had to leave that night due to a very early Saturday a.m. appointment (which I was unaware of, stupid me).

Nothing really physical happened (beyond dancing), perhaps due to that interrupt.

I texted her a few times after that--still fun, but better than get-to-know you banter since we had a pretty nice time and I could draw on that a little. Her texts back again were infrequent / lacking.

I frankly have other girls working on me, so her behavior sort of stood out. In fact, it hit me as this: She just wants me to chase...too much.

She won't lift a finger. Ideas...from the bar to salsa, I came up with them all. Though I'm asking you to trust me on this one, I believe her behavior wasn't due to lack of interest in me.

It suddenly struck me that this is HOW she acts out her INTEREST, by following her "rules" or whatever it is to get me to invest and chase. ("This guy is great! Don't chase! Make him chase you!")

I suddenly felt a dim feeling wash over me and I just moved on. I just feel that at some point the girl has to meet you halfway in interest.

I mean, at least an enthusiastic text back? Is that against the rules? Am I going to have to do the heavy lifting...forever?

A month later, she sends a pretty generic text to me that for all I know could have been sent to everyone en masse in her phone list. I just regarded that as typical behavior from Miss "I do nothing, you need to do everything".

I texted her back, "Is this a mass text?" She texted me a long one after that, some sort of apology / insistence that the first text was in fact a personal text to me.

But by this point, my feelings were sort of set, and I had already become involved with someone else.

In looking back, I see confusion on her end and mine.

-- On her end, because she probably thinks I "dropped the ball" after carrying it pretty far. She didn't get that at some point her cooperation would be appreciated, especially since I have other options and/or that my plan isn't to carry the ball by myself forever.

-- On my part, because I didn't see an obvious way to eliminate her "he must chase me always" frame, a way to get her to see that as infantile at a certain point, even though I knew it was happening.

I have the sense that if I called her or texted her with something humorous like, "So, I'm putting our elopement plans on hold until I'm sure you can come up with fun ideas too" she might have gotten the picture. I have no doubt she could have come up with something fun. She's a fun girl...I think.


Thanks for any help,

[David]

Well, it sounds at least like you are a man who has what I refer to as "high quality problems".

It doesn't appear you're too broken up over losing her, just confused by her behavior.

So here it is. The highest quality women will not chase you--ever--even if you are used to it from other women.

I'm not exactly sure anyone particularly needs to "chase" anyway when two high quality people meet, man OR woman. So the likely truth is that this woman wanted you to LEAD, not "chase". BIG, BIG difference.

I'm happy to explain. But first, a basic observation.

Some people really aren't so into texting. Further (and more importantly), real conversations over text SUCK. No 'non-verbal' communication and HUGE margins for error when it comes to misinterpretation (as you actually saw first hand) make it a bad idea.

If anything, you were dealing with a wise woman here.

What she wanted was for you to go ahead and call her. And no, she wasn't going to call you first. She was looking for you to take the LEAD. Elaboration later, but first the basics...

This woman absolutely, positively did show plenty of interest. She flirted with you up front, told you she was single, bounced with you elsewhere the night she first met you and then proceeded to stay out with you on day two until 2a having a blast when she had to get up early.

What more validation of her attraction do you really need?

Look...high quality women will NOT lose their dignity. Here we had a woman who simply shared your commitment to personal dignity and not giving one's power away.

Is that not what you'd rather have than a bunch of fawning bimbos?

The whole "lower status breeds disinterest" game is NOT gender specific. We as guys lose interest in women who fall all over us just like women in men who have a similar lack of self-control (although arguably not as quickly, as women rightly demand real leadership from us).

Neither this woman nor any other owes you any other signals than those you were given. In fact, my opinion is that she likely threw her approval of you out on the table more than she typically does.

Had I been out with her my last official act on that second date between her "gushing" and "abruptly leaving" would have been to take her by both shoulders, push her against the door of whichever car she was "abruptly leaving" in and proceed to kiss her brains out for exactly 5-10 seconds.

No more...no less.

Then I would have paused for the perfunctory close-range staring into each other's eyes like wild untamed beasts for another precise 5-10 seconds.

Then I would have cracked a slight smile, flicked up the end of her nose with my left index finger like she was a bratty little sister and simply said, "I'll call you."

Then, I'd call her...sooner than later. And I wouldn't have to wait three to five days "so as not to appear needy", either.

That's what she wanted, but ONLY if you did too--enough to LEAD her into that reality.

I'd actually need more fingers than I have on both hands to count how many times the above story has played out with mind blowing results in my life--often, I might add, from women who showed nearly zero indication of interest beyond friendly conversation and continued willingness to stick around for at least while longer than absolutely necessary.

But yes, looking back on my life I'd also need a few more hands to count how many times I could kick myself for not knowing back in my late teens/early twenties what I know now about all of this.

For example, have you ever had a woman get in her car and speed off in disgust after an apparently perfectly good date up until the very end? If so, welcome to the "Failure To Deploy" fraternity. Lets just say it wasn't "disinterest".

Regardless of what some guys have been led to believe, all American women are NOT greedy manipulators who want to "wear the pants".

What the great ones ARE, though, is overworked, overwrought, starved for masculine confidence and leadership, and deathly afraid of looking like "sluts".

For them, "wearing the pants" by default sucks.

Outside of, say, Cuba Gooding Jr.'s wife in Jerry Maguire, show me a woman who "wear the pants" in a relationship and I'll show you a BITTER woman who resents her WEAK husband.

Your job is to make things go the way you envision them with women who are clearly interested in you, and then watch in awe as they "thank you" for it.

I sense you may appreciate an example, so here goes.

It's like this. Any bonehead can get on a moped and putt around the neighborhood.

But how about a GSX-R 1000? If you try to ride one of those lil' screamers like you're afraid of it and/or don't understand its capabilities, it'll spit you off and likely flatten you.

At best you'll look pretty stupid in front of your friends. However, if you've practiced your bike handling skills, know how to respect horsepower and pilot the thing with duly earned authority that same 180hp high-tech masterpiece is probably the safest motorcycle on the street, and certainly more rewarding in every way than the moped.

And of course, if you ride the moped on the interstate you'll become roadkill in no time...with "Kenworth" tattooed on your forehead.

That chick was very likely a GSX-R 1000 among MOTOS.

[Damian]

David, thank you for your advice.