You Know Why Women Aren't Attracted...But What Do You Do About It?

[Michael]

Okay, I have a big sticking point: The living at home thing.

I'm going to come out with it straight. I'm 35 and living at home still.

Not by choice I might add, it's just the way the coin landed.

I decided to take the route of doing what I wanted in life, but building the business has been a verrrry slow process.

With the sporadic nature of what I do I wouldn't even be able to begin to think about a mortgage on a place.

And as far as I am concerned renting a place outright is like throwing money into the wind.

My finances aren't exactly in good order anyway.

So I'm stuck living at home with my parents.

I might also add that my parents are elderly and my father suffers from a severe medical condition.

Even if I could move out there would be a good chance I'd need to be on hand to assist with him since he cannot be left in the house on his own and needs help with most stuff.

I always feel the need to keep quiet about the fact that I still live at home when I meet women.

I'm not ashamed of it, because I know the reasons (it is also worth noting that it only seems to be western countries that have a hang up about this kind of thing).

But I know that as soon as I mention it she's going to start getting all those old stereotypes in her head about the type of person I might be still living at home.

So how would you overcome this sort of thing?

Not every guy who still lives at home is some sort of creepy loser. Yet the big connotation that people think of is "Well, he's not a real man" if he happens to be in that situation.

Keep up the good work with the podcasts. Really enjoy them.

[Gray]

This is going to be one of those "tough love" kind of answers, but rest assured that 1) I've got your best interests at heart here, and 2) I respect your right to draw your own conclusions and make your own decisions.

There are two main points I feel compelled to make in response to your question about overcoming the obstacle of trying to attract women vis-à-vis still living at home at age 35.

The first point is simply this: You CANNOT "overcome" the obstacle at hand simply by wishing it away because it's a VERY REAL obstacle.

You're not going to "beat the system" here.

To illustrate, allow me to present you with a few analogies relating to how we as men are attracted to women.

All too often Emily will get an e-mail from a woman in which she'll rant at length about one of several things.

It may be that she's very powerful in her job, makes a lot of money and can't find a man who isn't "intimidated" by that.

Or, she may go on about how "all men are the same"; they can't be trusted, all of them are liars and on top of all else they "only want one thing". By the way, can Emily find her a GOOD one?

Or, she may be severely overweight and wants Emily to tell her how to find a nice man because she's "confused" by her lack of success. How can men be so "shallow" and not love her for who she is inside? By the way, she has a non-negotiable "laundry list" of what her dream guy needs to look and be like.

But the reality is that MOST men won't prefer a woman who is more successful professionally and financially than he is.

And almost ALL respectable men will not enter into a relationship with a woman who has no respect for him as a man.

And a staggeringly high percentage of men are just not sexually attracted to morbidly obese women.

Sure...A FEW guys might find themselves attracted to such women. But not many.

I think you know what I'm going to say next, so I'm just going to throw it out on the table.

Yes...the analogy most certainly applies to your situation also.

The VAST MAJORITY of women will NOT want to date a man who is 35 and still lives with his parents.

Now, you can point to the rare exception you know of where some guy who lives at home somehow got a girlfriend.

But you will NOT change the overarching reality of it all: Your success rate with women would improve dramatically were you to get your own place.

I probably don't have to explain why most guys would rather find someone else to go out with than one of the three women I just talked about.

But just for the good of the cause, I'm going to tell you that despite your excuses the reason why your situation disqualifies you from dating most women is actually very simple and basic.

In her eyes, if your Mommy and Daddy still have to support you, there's not a snowball's chance in Yuma, Arizona that you're going to be able to be the protector and provider she's looking for in a man.

Might there be a woman here and there who "understands" you and identifies with your excuses as you do?

Sure. But there just straight-up, flat-out won't be a whole lot of them.

And even so, the ones who DO go out with you would probably be MUCH MORE attracted to you if you lived independently.

Or, you'd probably get even better women if you had a different living arrangement.

It's a "deserve what you want thing", really.

Now remember, I said there were going to be two points.

The second is that you actually DO have a choice in the matter, regardless of the fact that you've spent the majority of your message giving every excuse you could think of in defense of your decision to live at home.

Consider this quote from your e-mail:


"Not by choice I might add, it's just the way the coin landed. I decided to take the route of doing what I wanted in life."


Although separated by a paragraph break in your message, I combined those two statements together in this context to make a point.

The sentences are in direct contradiction to each other, obviously. They cannot both be true.

Either life happened to you, or you proactively went and made it happen. You can't have it both ways.

So which is it?

Similarly, you talk about being, in effect, stuck living at home out of obligation to care for Dad. Was that the situation seventeen years ago when you were 18, or is that a relatively recent development?

If the latter, then you can't treat it as a valid excuse for NEVER having left home.

Are your circumstances completely OUT of your control? Or is it fully WITHIN your ability to affect where you stand on this and what you do about it?

Are you a victim here? Or have you CHOSEN your lot?

Based on what you've written, it appears as if you'd like to help yourself feel better about your situation by offloading all responsibility onto random circumstance rather than personal choice.

But the simple truth is that you always HAVE had a choice, and you've MADE it.

And you continue to have a say in the matter of your life even now.

Consider again the three women I told you about above.

In each of those situations, if the woman would REALLY rather find a great guy than anything else she's going to have to be WILLING to accept responsibility for her lack of dating success, and she's also going to have to DO what it takes to turn things around.

It's really just a matter of priorities, as it has been all along.

How you have elected to pursue your career, how you've budgeted what money you have made, your opinions about owning vs. renting and even your very perspective on money itself have shaped your circumstances.

What you've done (and yes, it has all been YOUR doing) is that you've PRIORITIZED going about your business as you choose OVER maximizing your attractiveness to women.

That has been YOUR choice. And make no mistake, if that's what you have really wanted (and it apparently is) then it's perfectly okay.

But like the ladies in the analogy I presented earlier, you just can't have your cake and eat it too...perhaps literally.

You can't change the rules. There are benefits and consequences of each decision we make in life, and we just can't dismiss the dark side of the reality and make it disappear.

You have made your life easier in many ways by living at home. But you have also made it FAR, FAR more difficult to find and attract a great woman.

As long as you continue to live in your parents' home, you will dramatically impact your ability to attract a high quality woman and build a long-term relationship with her.

And don't kid yourself. This isn't a problem you can blame on the women themselves when they're uninterested in you.

Neither you nor I can reasonably expect to go out there and just make women stop thinking and feeling as they do about you. They will believe as they do, and largely for good reason, I might add.

It is what it is. And the WORST news of all is that things are only going to get worse for you as you get older.

But fortunately, if you DO want to change your priorities, YOU can. And then "what is" will no longer affect you.

And if that's what you TRULY want from this point forward, then that's what you'll do. But similarly, if your status quo ultimately sounds like a better plan to you, you'll stick with it.

Assuming you WOULD like to improve your chances with women, you'll begin making plans to find an inexpensive living arrangement-- perhaps with a roommate--that's close enough to where your parents live that you can continue to assist with your Dad.

I mean, that's what most of the rest of the other guys in a situation similar to yours are doing.

And if you choose to stay at home, even if just for the short term?

Well, then you could try to spin your living situation as your parents living WITH YOU because they're old and infirmed, etc...I guess.

But women probably still won't be all that impressed, and you're still going to be mortified at the prospect of bringing them back to your place anyway.

[Michael]

Gray, thank you very much, that was a great answer.