Is My Sexual Presence Offensive To Women?

[Michael]

I constantly censor myself around women by giving a neutered response to what's going on around me instead of my natural inclination, which is to respond with sexual innuendo (if the situation could safely call for it).

The reason I do this is because I don't want to come off as offensive--or worse, a threat--to women.

I know about the fact that women need to feel that they are safe around the guys they are with.

My question is how do I imbue my responses with sexual overtones (and thus convey my masculinity), while at the same time not making myself seem offensive or threatening to women?

In other words, how can I be unapologetically masculine without seeming to be a threat?

[Rob]

Hello Michael:

A lot of guys deal with exactly what you're talking about, so I'm glad you asked about it.

I'll begin my answer to your question with this. Imagine if all the women of the world stopped being feminine because they thought you'd be offended by it.

Instead, they wore Levi's jeans, white button-down shirts, got buzzcuts and stopped wearing makeup, high heels and jewelry.

Then they sat straight in their chairs with their hands folded and talked about CNN and the weather.

Would they be doing the right thing? Would that make you feel more "comfortable" with them?

If sexual polarity ceased to exist altogether, would the world be a more "date friendly" place?

These questions are ridiculous to even ask, aren't they?

We've all got to remember that the ONLY reason masculinity even matters is because femininity exists as its polarity.

The very idea of being "unapologetically masculine", worded as such, presumes that the very people masculinity is designed to attract would somehow be repulsed by it.

The truth is there are two types of people in this world. Those who are attracted to men, and those who aren't.

You aren't.

But it's a mistake to think that women are like you.

Women want men.

Ironically, the only "apology" you'd ever owe any woman when it comes to all of this would be when you FAIL to deliver on the basic pride (and outward appearance to match) of being a man.

Well, either that or if you forced yourself upon a woman, which the VAST, VAST majority of us as decent guys would never even think of actually doing.

You see, masculinity as defined by women is NOT a violent, offensive, destructive force. Masculinity is simply the essence of maleness--that which serves to ignite feminine sexuality.

Men who show strong leadership, demonstrate deft decision making power and who build well-formed (and dare I say compassionate) plans to STOP violent, offensive and destructive forces (which are but a perversion of masculine power) are indeed masculine.

I trust that doesn't come off as ironic.

All of that said, I want to clarify something that's an IMMENSELY important piece of the puzzle here, especially as you've laid it out on the table.

Being masculine has NOTHING to do, at least directly and/or definitively, with "imbuing responses with sexual overtones".

You need not move a conversation toward sex in order to turn a woman on any more than she necessarily needs to do so in order to communicate her inherently sexually-charged femininity to you.

And nor SHOULD you. Nothing would communicate more strongly to a woman that you DON'T GET IT.

In other words, simply talking about sex--either directly OR indirectly--won't positively affect sexual attraction.

If a car salesman says you should buy a car on his lot, that doesn't actually make you WANT to any more than you did before.

And that goes DOUBLE if the car salesman pushes the issue too early and or too aggressively...coming off as if it's all about him.

Everyone knows it's the car itself that makes you want to buy it. Once you WANT the car, nobody has to talk you into it.

Sexual desire on a woman's part is no different.

So when it comes to creating that DESIRE in women effectively, you simply go about the business of coming off as a masculine man rather than a neuter human being.

That is, you represent to women what they want (and I gave you some solid examples above).

I promise that the sexual polarity that results will take care of creating attraction all by itself.

The mistake men make here is to confuse SEX with SEXUALITY.

And a woman's feminine sexuality MUST be drawn to your masculine sexuality BEFORE any discussion of "activities" that might come as a result of that can become fair-game for discussion.

You must never, ever imply that sexual behavior is imminent (either directly or by innuendo) until you know that she is attracted (i.e. by your core masculine nature).

She also has to know that you have her general best interests at heart (i.e. you are genuinely interested in protecting her rather than using her sexuality for personal gain).

In almost every single instance, it's putting the cart before the horse that's offensive to women.

Basically, that causes you to come off like the desperate car salesman who is all about making the sale whether she really wants his slow-selling car or not.

So, even though women truly do want sheet-ripping sex as much as we do as men (if not more so), what they surely DON'T want is to be used as masturbation tools and nothing else.

This shouldn't be so much of a mystery to us because it's actually not a gender-specific reaction at all. We as men are really no different at the psycho-emotional level.

Think of it this way. Most men LOVE to be seen as an effective provider for women, but only when we know she appreciates EVERYTHING about us as men and is willing to reciprocate fully with the wonderful benefits she brings to us as a woman.

And what if we go out with a woman who clearly sees us as nothing more than a human ATM machine? Well, we resent that, of course...and only a man with abysmally low self-respect will continue to endure such a relationship.

So to summarize, being a masculine sexual presence is anything BUT offensive or threatening to women.

On the other hand, indications that you may only be interested in using women for sexual gratification ARE offensive, potentially threatening and even uninteresting to them.

However, when we are "big four" men who also happen to place a great value on high-quality femininity and deeply understand the manifold gifts that a great woman brings to the table, we have nothing to worry about in expressing romantic interest.

Women who are "offended" under those circumstances are the ones with the problem. And thankfully that's a rare occurrence, especially when we're talking about high-quality women.

[Jerome]

Being sexual with women doesn't make you offensive but makes you more of a MAN

[VeronaRodriguez]

I think there are many ways in which you can show your masculinity to women without being considered as a threat. You can start from being polite and neutral and as they get comfortable, you can try using those sexual preferences in your conversations, in that way they won't consider you as a threat.