He Still Checks His Dating Profile: He Doesn't Want To Delete or Update His Account

[Nora]

I met a man online and we have been exclusive pretty much since we began talking. Once I was certain I wanted the relationship to progress, I asked him about our profiles on the website and he assured me that he wasn't interested in anyone else, he rarely visits the website, is only interested in me, is growing attached to me, and that he'd be ready to delete his account soon. He'd been referring to me as his girlfriend to family and friends,and I'd even met his family. I accepted that and shortly afterwards I updated my profile to reflect the fact that I'd met someone and was taking a break from the website. See, any time I visit the website, I end up receiving messages and requests for dates, so I was tired of the distraction. I even canceled dates for him (not that he was asking me to or even knew). A few weeks passed and I checked up on him online, out of curiosity, to see if he was still accessing the website. I was happy to see that he wasn't. Then, out of the blue and was crushed to find that he'd actually accessed the site while I was in the shower one morning. Next time I checked, he'd accessed it just before I arrived one evening. Needless to say, I knew I had to bring it up. I tried to discuss it, and you can imagine how well that went! He first tried to say he was on the website a week ago when he'd been on it the day before. Strike one. He explained to me that he's not looking for dates (he's only interested in me and has never cheated in his life), just that he likes talking to people and seeing how they're doing, out of curiosity and boredom. That I can understand to a point because I have the same personality, but how could he be curious and bored while I'm in the shower? Why isn't he ever curious and bored when I'm within proximity to his computer? Strike two.

He said I had it all wrong and that I was being silly for thinking that it might be for the best for me to date other men. He did not stop me from leaving his place. Strike three. He wrote me an email which I read when I arrived home. It basically said how upset he was, how he doesn't want to fight, how I have the wrong idea, how he's had a lot on his mind lately, etc.

Last night, I received an email just before bedtime that after having visited a friend, he feels better and that he misses me. I wasn't sure how to respond to that to be honest. I ended up saying I was glad he felt better and that was it. He wrote me again this morning as if none of this even happened. The fact is, he hasn't apologized or made any effort to show me any intention of deleting or updating his account. The only apology I've received was that he was sorry I saw things differently. What should I do? I love him but this isn't acceptable, is it? I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I don't want to date anyone else."

[Clinton]

Hi Nora,

Wow...you've discovered one of the very trickiest parts of meeting someone online.

At which point in a relationship is it time to "hide" or completely remove your profile?

Your profile is there to attract the attention of men, and to get them to write you.

As long as it's up there, it's going to exist to serve that purpose and that purpose alone.

I don't fully understand the concept of "updating" your profile to reflect that you're "seeing someone" and "taking a break from the website".

Why not make your profile invisible, or remove it entirely?

Now I understand your pain at finding that your man has been sneaking looks at the online dating site here and there when he's supposed to have found a woman who makes him happy. There's no excuse for that.

However, I'm not finding evidence in your e-mail that the two of you really communicated effectively to each other what the expectations were in this area.

And what's more, when you get right down to it...you were pretty much on a level playing field here.

You haven't removed your profile, which leaves you open to receiving e-mails from interested potential suitors (as you've mentioned) and indeed possibly surfing the site yourself.

Plus, if you get right down to it, you have to get on the site yourself simply to see if HE'S been there, right?

Ultimately, regardless of either your or his true intentions, this can all become a finger-pointing battle VERY quickly, can't it?

Now sure, if he's just interested in keeping up with friends there are other sites better suited to that purpose (e.g. Facebook).

My guess is that he had gotten fairly used to doing frequent checks of the online dating site he was on before he met you. And old habits die hard - especially when there's no black and white reason to cease and desist from that.

Simply put, as long as your profile was visible, and as long as you're on the site, you can't be a party to a double standard.

That's just not fair.

Sure, you weren't exactly looking for more dates while you were with him.

But then again, it didn't take you long to reconnect with the guys you had been putting off erstwhile, right?

I understand it is frustrating to you that he didn't quite apologize.




And it's not optimal that he simply let you leave his home that day.

But then again, time and again we women demonstrate that you really can't stand men who beg and kiss up to us either.

Perhaps he instinctively knew that (or has been reading my articles for men...Smiles!)

It sounds to me that he still would rather be with you than not.

And you've clearly articulated your feelings about him to me in your e-mail.

Why not have dinner together at either your place or his - free of distractions - and finally have an honest talk about formally cutting ties to the online dating site you met on, and eliminating that barrier once and for all?

The communication and trust that you two can discover through that process will lift a load off of both of your shoulders.

From there, with a clean slate and a clean conscience, my gut feeling is that you'll find he is much more comfortable with the state of your relationship and his curiosity about checking that dating site will go away.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

P.S. There really are A LOT of factors to keep in mind when it comes to getting online dating right, aren't there?

And as you've just seen, simply knowing how to get your profile in order doesn't solve everything, does it?

Not by a long shot!

I have been there myself, and that is why I cover SO much more than just how to have great pictures and an attractive profile in my DYNAMIC LIFE DEVELOPMENT System.

Sure all of that stuff is important, but let's face it.

You have also got to know how to shine like a diamond on first dates in order to get the second date.

AND...you just have to know how to make a relationship WORK as you get to know a guy or a girl better.

Otherwise, it's going to be "back to the drawing board" time and time and time again.

That's not what I want for you!

[John]

Online dating sites such as OkCupid can be a great place to meet someone new, but sometimes things happen that cause people to delete their profiles. Whether it was simply too much perceived creepiness or a general lack of responses, it can be frustrating to log in with the intention of contacting a specific member, only to find out that they are no longer there.

The Top Ten Reasons to Delete a Dating Profile

1.) The main reason people delete their dating profile is because they have met someone. A lot of these people actually just hide their profiles, though, in case they end up needing them again.

2.) Some people cite receiving messages from too many people that they think of as weirdos as a reason for deleting their profile.

3.) On the flip side of number two, some people will delete their profile because they are not getting responses from anyone, regardless of if they are weird or not.

4.) A bad dating experience with another site member will send some people searching for the delete profile option.

5.) If the cost of a dating site outweighs the benefits that a member is receiving, then they are likely to delete their profile. Free sites like OkCupid are a good choice for those who have left other sites due to cost concerns.

6.) Searching a dating site on a regular basis without finding a good match can be discouraging, and this will cause people to delete their profiles.

7.) Some users will delete their profile after dipping their toe into the dating pool and deciding that they are not ready to jump in.

8.) If a user is reluctant to post photographs, then they will usually end up deleting their profile.

9.) Self doubt, thinking you are no good for anyone

10.) Removing your dating profile off online searches

[Nora]

Thank you all for your help.