When to officially become boyfriend/girlfriend?

[Bb211]

I matched with a woman on Tinder who is almost 29 (I’m 27) at the beginning of June. We exchanged numbers within a couple of days. We have texted everyday and have gone on two dates so far. We will be going on a third soon. I’ll be on vacation soon with family, so she and I won’t see each other for a couple weeks (she travels a lot for work during weekdays, so we only see each other on weekends.) But we already agreed on seeing each other as soon as we are both back in town the second week of July.


At the end of our second date, we both told each other that we really like each other. We shared our first kiss. We’ve had conversations in person and via text about things to do together in the future (sporting events, visiting a park/lake, hitting up downtown, etc.)

She hasn’t dated much in her past. She’s never been in a committed relationship. I have only gone on dates over the last five years-I haven’t been in a committed relationship since college.

I want to take our time, but given that we said we like each other, I’m curious when to talk to her about being exclusive/officially being in a relationship? How exactly should I initiate that discussion, and would it be good, time wise, to become “official” after a month of seeing each other? Or is that too soon?

[Janice17]

When the time is right you will both feel you want that commitment. For some it's days, weeks or months.
I'm fairly upfront and call a spade a spade. I can't see any harm in asking her if she's ready to be exclusive to you. Tell her if she needs more time you will not be going anywhere else, she already has that commitment from your side.

[PRW]

Couple months. 7-8 weeks on average.
She has to bring it up,...not you.

This is an outline that I often give guys who struggle with the early dating process that often leave the freaked out woman running down the street with both hands in the air screaming in a high pitch voice. It is a framework to help keep things from going off the rails and creating a train wreck. Every detail of it has a very specific reason for being listed even if I don't fully explain it in the text itself.

Phase One – a few weeks to a month long

It begins when the guy offers a girl a specific date once a week and sets the date for a week away. You are making her an offer, present it that way like you know what you are doing. Plan it out ahead of time so you already know what you are offering. A good pattern is ask on Monday or Tues for a weekend date. No “fuzzy” dates! She needs a specific time/day/place. If you hit a day she can’t do it and she actually wants to spend time with you she will give you a counter offer or at least let you know in some way that it is ok to try again later. If she does neither of those then she probably isn’t into you. A compromise option would be to ask her when she is free to get together then offer a specific time/day/place.

No chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date, but if she contacts you then be nice, pleasant, friendly, chat with her a bit, but keep it short. This is important to build anticipation for the date so both parties are excited to see each other when they arrive. It demonstrates integrity of both parties when they actually show up for the date without needing to be reassuring each other leading up to it. It eliminates either party from saying something stupid in a text or phone call to weaken the other’s attraction to them before they even make it to the date or maybe causing the date to be canceled or at minimum cause the other to be half-hearted about it. It is needy, insecure, and impatient people on both sides that think they need to maintain chit-chat leading up to the date or the other one might forget about them and not show up.

No expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Get over it. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Guys, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

Do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job, so don't do it. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

Rinse and repeat, over and over each week or so, but not more than once a week at this early point. Show some discipline and that you aren’t still in high school.

Phase Two – a few more weeks long to a couple months

After a few weeks if you haven’t made mistakes the woman will start to contact you in between the dates. This is your cue to set the next date. This shifts some of the power over to the woman. Earlier the guy did all the chasing and setting the date. But now the dates happen each time the woman contacts you which gives her control of the frequency. You are both now sharing in the process. This means to an extent that the dates are her idea and if she is chasing you then she isn't dumping you. It also means that you may now potentially see each other more than once a week. But don’t get carried away, still show some discipline. The rest of this phase is about the same as phase one.

Minimal chit-chatting, texting/calling between setting the date and arriving on the date. You can do a little more at this point because she is reaching out to you, but the principle is still the same, so keep it to a minimum.

As earlier, no expensive dates, no exuberant dates, no long trips, no weekend trips, no vacation trips, no meeting family/friends. Guy pays for the date. Maybe the woman can pick up the tip if she wants. Again, keep it happy, fun, and light hearted. No heavy subjects. Guys, what a woman remembers about a date are different than you remember. She remembers how you made her feel. So make sure she always thinks of happy feelings and fun when she thinks of you.

Still you do not bring up any labels what-so-ever, such as boyfriend, girlfriend, relationship, marriage, love, or anything else along those lines. At this point you still are not her boyfriend and she still is not your girlfriend. That is her job to bring that stuff up when she is ready,…not your job. You both still need to understand that you have the freedom to see other people at the same time, even if you don’t choose to act on it,…it is a frame of mind you both need to have.

Phase 3 – Lasts until you breakup, co-habitate, get married, or she runs over you with the car

If you haven’t made a bunch of mistakes and screwed things up yet, on average at around 7-8 weeks (maybe longer if you made mistakes) the woman may bring up the exclusivity conversation. She may be vague about it, so you might have to question a little to be sure if that is what she is saying she wants. If that is what she wants, and if you agree to it then you are now finally boyfriend/girlfriend and will need to drop off any others that you both may be seeing.

Even after exclusivity happens you still have to keep your head screwed on straight and don't forget what got you to where you are. You still have to show discipline, emotional control and impulse control. Although women may claim they like someone who is a bit impulsive, erratic impulsiveness is not attractive and sometimes just flat scares the crap out of them.

[BassThumper]

Don't think too much into. Just enjoy each others company and be yourself. It will happen if it is meant to be.