How Can I Build My Confidence: How Should I Approach Confident Men?

[Evelyn]

I love reading your dating articles- they're so informative. It's all thanks to you that I've changed my view towards men. Before, I was so shy, feeling not so perfect on the outside, waiting for someone to approach me. Well, in short, I was a wallflower. Now, I've changed myself, half way as it seems.

I've learned to feel comfortable hanging around most men and flirting with them. The only problem is, I still keep a distance from confident men who are often popular and surrounded by other women. I find those kind of men, powerful, attractive and even handsome.

On the other hand, they intimidate me, and I feel my confidence draining away. What is the best way I can overcome this? How should I approach those types of men?

[Nicolas]

Hello Evelyn:

You say you feel as if you have only been transformed halfway, but just take a look at how far you've come!

Knowing you've come this far down the path makes the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel seem ever closer, doesn't it?

It's perfectly natural for us to be amazed by and attracted to men and women who are confident and popular with other men and women.

We know what we like, and when a man has lots of options when it comes to women it's usually for good reason - especially if he is attracting high-quality women.

Smiles, I know myself it is a good place to be in....Abundance!

In many ways, it all hearkens back to what I discussed many a time in my articles for both men and women.

Really, when you get right down to it, when a man seems a bit harder to catch, it makes you want to CATCH him all the more, doesn't it?

Still, your mind isn't playing tricks on you, I'm sure.

There are some great men out there.

So how do you go about meeting them?

For starters, I think you already realize that you are going to need to build your confidence back up in order to get the attention of the men you want to attract.

As always, it seems, this is about DESERVING WHAT YOU WANT.

Those confident men will not settle for a woman who isn't confident.

Nor should they.

I will not!

So here are three simple steps to gaining confidence:


1) Understand that you only see the world through your own eyes

You know all your strengths,weaknesses, frailties and "oops" moments you'd like to forget about.

And you know them intimately.

But as you see others moving about and having their being, you aren't able to see deep inside their hearts the way you can see into yours.

As such it's really, really easy to automatically assume that others don't have the faults or haven't made the mistakes we have.

But invariably, everyone has his or her own set of insecurities and skeletons in the proverbial closet.

Realizing that others may see their own imperfections as clearly as you see yours can put things into perspective for you.

More importantly, that perspective can free your mind from feeling inadequate and help you recognize your place at the banquet of human contribution.

Cool, huh?


2) Focus on your strengths, and share your gifts freely with the world

Everyone is good at something.

When you have a clear idea of what that is and understand the value of that gift to others, you can become more empowered to share with others.

Once you start hearing similar sentiments of thanks and/or appreciation from those around, you must have the presence of mind to accept that your value to others is very real.

From there, your inner strength will grow more and more even as you share with others.

The only alternative is to turn your thoughts inward and doubt your worth.

Unfortunately, most who take this route never even tested their assumptions...which is almost always a tragic thing.


3) Stop seeing simple interactions as "life or death" endeavors

Why not simple say "hello" or in some other way start interacting with those you meet - even if they ARE devastatingly handsome men?

What is the worst that can happen?

If he's rude then let's face it, you've saved yourself a world of grief by not dealing with a jerk, right?

On the other hand, if he's friendly towards you think how good you will feel inside. It sure beats that gnawing feeling of regret.

But here's even more good news.

If you can learn to treat everyone with grace and dignity, regardless of who they are, your entire social skill set will dramatically benefit.

And to your delight, you'll probably find that most men nowadays still believe in taking the first step when it comes to interacting with women.

Simply being more friendly and approachable can do wonders.

Sometimes shyness or lack of confidence can come across as snobbery - which is far from what you intend, I'm sure.

Men often write to me and I asking that they wish women were more approachable.

Here's your golden chance!

I'm excited for you.

I know you are much closer to a major breakthrough than you think.

Have fun with meeting men and enjoy yourself.

[Olivia]

One of the biggest obstacles in your way of having abundant confidence to go after what you really want in life is not having anything you are moving towards that really means anything to you.

We are so often controlled by that gut wrenching fear when we enter a new environment or try a new experience. New social settings can bring on a tight chest or knot in our stomach. Maybe a lump is felt in the throat as we attend an event held by our kids school, or the office party that is outside of the normal boundaries of turning up and sitting at the desk. Can you relate?

Lack of confidence stops so many people from doing so many things they know they should do or they simply want to do. The conversation you feel compelled to start but chicken out and walk away. The job you want to go for or the business you really want to begin but you're terrified of being rejected or failing and being criticized by your friends, family or colleagues. The class you want to go to but are scared you'll embarrass yourself or everyone will judge you because you won't be able to do it.

I've felt the pain and insecurity of low self-esteem and confidence too. I remember turning my back and walking away from a girl when I was 16. Why? Because she smiled at me and said hello! How could she do such a thing?! I was terrified. I remember panicking, scared stiff that if I said hello back I would have to think of something fun, charming and witty to say next. I felt my whole body overtaken and frozen by panic and simply turned and walked away, without saying a word.

I can look back and chuckle now. But that was a real challenge for me 20 years ago and being able to overcome that sort of self-doubt and lack of confidence has made a huge difference to how I live my life and who I have become.

So what can people do about their low self-confidence? Life seems so overwhelming and challenging when your first thought about anything is always a fearful one, figuring out how you can make it through the upcoming situation without blushing and becoming shy and awkward. Thankfully, wherever you are right now in your confidence levels, there are many wonderful and simple ways to boost and build your confidence and belief in yourself.

One of the most profound and long lasting ways to help your confidence grow and stick around too, is to get clear on what you really want in your life and start, nice and steadily, moving towards it.

It seems, as a society, we have created a way of living where getting an education, securing a career, getting married and having kids, buying a house and retiring in our 60's, with a sprinkle of annual summer holidays and a nice car to travel the journey in is, in sum-total, a 'fulfilled and well lived life'.

Now, if you are doing the thing that lights you up inside as a career then bravo! However, statistics show that as many as 84% of people surveyed in the developed world, are unhappy and unfulfilled in their chosen work. 84%??!! Isn't that an incredible number?!

One of the major reasons people suffer with low confidence is they get stuck in a rut. They've stopped pursuing and moving forwards. After a few knockbacks, their confidence can hit the downward spiral that pulls them further and further away from their true self, taking them into the pits of fear, doubt, insecurity and self-loathing. They have had their spark (that place inside them that is real and true and alive and vibrant) dulled and covered over. The expectations of the world have been put upon them. They have brought into the ideas of everyone around them about who to be, what to do, how to behave, how to think, where to work, who to spend time with. All these well meaning advisors have pulled people further from their centre, further from the truth in their own heart. One of the surest ways to have our confidence knocked out of us is to lose touch with that unique and beautiful spark inside each of us.

Therefore, one of the quickest, easiest and most important antidotes to lacking belief in yourself is to get clear on something you really want, something that lights you up inside and fills you with excitement and passion and begin taking small steps towards it. Now, it doesn't need to be your life's work, your big heart filled mission in this life time (although if you know what that is, then get focussed on that for sure) but it does need to be something more important to you than simply paying the bills and getting through each month tired and warn out one heavy step at a time, always feeling like you are stood still and never moving forwards. Or worse still, fighting hard but feeling like you are slowly slipping backwards in one or more areas of your life.

Building your confidence isn't just about helping you with quick and simple techniques (although there are plenty of quick and simple techniques that can double or triple your confidence in the blink of an eye), the goal is to help you have an inner transformation which taps you into a deep and lasting well of confidence, which will open you up to more possibilities than you can even imagine right now.

How would it feel to be able to pursue everything you want in life? Every time you see something you'd like to try or someone you'd like to speak to or an experience you'd like to have, how incredible would that feel to have the confidence to do it?
Can you imagine the moments of life that would take on deeper and richer meaning and feelings? Even if your confidence is at an all time low right now, you can probably relate to this because you've almost certainly had times in your life when you did go for it. You've experienced those moments when you threw caution and fear to the wind and chased down the person or experience you really wanted.

Regardless of the outcome, you've felt that rush of excitement, joy and aliveness which comes with knowing you are being true to your hearts desires and pursuing what matters to you. You will barely recognise the new you who is thriving and enjoying life, no longer concerned by what everyone is thinking of you, no longer worried about how you look or sound, no longer feeling that tightening in your chest or stomach when you try and take a step forwards.

The new you will be someone who is ready to say yes to almost anything in life. Adventure, playfulness, openness, joy, passion, excitement and self-belief will become the normal regular experience of day to day living. If you're having a hard time imagining this right now, stay with me. I would love to help you if you want to get deeper into this process and experience even more confidence and excitement as you take control of your life and pursue your dreams.

When this more confident part of you takes control of your life, everything begins to change. As your confidence grows and you begin to go after the things you've always wanted in life, but never had the confidence to go for, every part of your life begins to grow in response to your feelings about yourself. Your career either changes or evolves. People often find promotions and other possibilities more in line with what they really want start opening up. Relationships improve or the perfect partner shows up. The confidence to start the new business, to rescue the current one or simply double or triple your current profit, the belief in yourself to demand more income for your time from a place of confidence and worth rather than fear and insecurity.

The weight people always wanted to shift finally starts coming off as they feel better about themselves and make choices that support their growing self-image, rather than trying to force themselves down the road of the next almost impossible diet whilst still feeling crap about themselves inside.
The emotional habits we get stuck in, like anger, resentment, jealously, overwhelm, depression, anxiety and any manner of emotions we experience in life begin to subside and shift into healthier emotional habits that support your growth and development as your confidence continues to grow. You won't even recognise yourself a year from now if you decide to begin the sacred work of developing your belief in yourself now.

So, where do you start? Right here and right now is probably a good time and place, wouldn't you agree?

Isn't it time you gave yourself the gift of deciding what you really want to pursue next? What is it that really matters to you in life? Not what is expected of you by your society, parents, siblings, partner, kids, colleagues or friends. What is it that really matters to you? For a life changing shift in your confidence and belief, get in tune with that part of you that truly knows who you are and what you want and begin taking small but firm steps towards it. You will hardly believe how different your life will look when you truly step into that timeless confident part of you that knows what it really wants.

Give yourself the gift you deserve. Take a step or 2 in the direction of a dream or goal that matters to you. Keep the steps super small and easily achievable and watch your confidence begin to grow astronomically.

[Anthony]

Two things that I am always trying to do in my quest for self improvement is build my self confidence and achieve personal growth. Fortunately, these two things can go hand-in-hand if you approach them the right way.

The way I view personal growth is an expansion of one's comfort zone. When you expand your comfort zone, you are allowing yourself to experience new things. You are allowing yourself to experience more life.

This is personal growth.

The boundaries of your comfort zone likely keep you contained in many ways and prevent you from experiencing opportunities to improve your life. The boundaries of your comfort zone can be considered the outskirts of your self confidence. These are the limits of experience in which you trust yourself.

The way to push out the boundaries of your comfort zone is to take a leap of faith. Be not afraid of failing. Trust yourself and realize that the experience will make you a better person. Try something new. Try something you were always afraid to try.

Try something new that you've always wanted to do but feared being embarrassed in some way. Try something that you've been afraid to do because you feared being in an uncomfortable situation.

The result of these attempts, no matter the circumstances of the outcome, will be personal growth. This personal growth is due to new experience and new knowledge based on this experience.

This new knowledge will also build your self confidence by default. People often lack self confidence because they fear unknown situations. Once the unknown becomes known, self confidence arises. More importantly, by forcing yourself out of your comfort zone, you will achieve a feeling of self-satisfaction by facing one of your fears.

Pushing out the boundaries of your comfort zone is the most powerful way to achieve personal growth. But the self confidence does not result from this experience, it brings about the experience.

Self confidence is in you. It is there waiting for you to call it. Self confidence cannot be created, but it can be realized. The way to find it is to want it. Believe that you have the confidence and it will present itself. Once you find it, put it to use and you will find more with each ounce that you use.

Personal growth and self confidence often go hand-in-hand. It's just a matter of allowing yourself to experience life by pushing out the boundaries of your comfort zone.

[Evelyn]

Very elaborate and helpful advice, thank you all.

[The Masterpiece]

Personally, I hope you are just using this to build your confidence because men are hunters by nature but they will have some fun then discard a woman who hunts them.