He broke up with me and want to be just friends

[Kukuakukua]

So this guy and I were supper awesome best friends before it got romantic. Then he started acting distance, I've tried several times to find out what the problem was but he just kept saying it's the stress from his new job. I am smart enough to know there was more to that lie. Long story short, he finally admitted there was more, he doesn't want a sexual relationship with me anymore. He sent me a voice message breaking up with me, that he just want us to remain friends. I responded by giving him a cold shoulder and distance too but he won't stop texting and making it sound like it's my fault. His last text to me after I wouldn't mind him for 4 days was " I have been thinking about recent turn of events and the only thing I could think of is that you wanted an excuse and I gave you one, I will try not to bother you anymore ". How do I get this guy to understand our friendship may never be the same again and certainly not on his terms?

[Anthony]

If you were to ask someone whether or not you should be friends with your ex boyfriend. Often a banal response would be:

"Your ex is an ex for a reason."

Suggesting that you shouldn't be friends with or even contacting your ex. Basically, ignore your ex forever.

But I'm not so sure.

Yes, there are reasons as to why an ex is an ex. But what if your reasons for a breakup doesn't justify ignoring your ex completely? What if it was an amicable breakup? Could you be friends then?

And if not friends, then should you be enemies? That is the opposite of being friends. Well, I don't think that would be the case.

Anyway, I think there's a better way to address this question. And that is to get an understanding of what it means to be friends.

How would you define a friend? And in what way would you act as a friend to your ex?

I think there are three categories of friends you can place your ex in. (Excluding "internet friends.")

These are the three categories of typical friends that I believe we have in our lives. And after a breakup, your ex is going to fit into one of them. But there is a particular one that I think your ex should fit in.

So let's explore the first category.

Category #1: Your Girlfriends or Best Friends

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Your girlfriends. BFFs. Sisters. Besties.

These are your closest friends, your best friends, that you trust with all your heart. They've got your back through thick and thin. Loyal to the very end. And as you are going through your breakup you can count on your girls to be there to hand you a box of Kleenex, give you a hug, and listen with deep empathy.

These are friends that you've known for years. You share your problems, intimate and personal details of your dating life with each other. These friends could probably complete your sentences before you finish it.

In a way, your ex was in this category or sub category when you were dating. It's not exactly what you have with your girlfriends. But during your relationship, he was your best friend. Your confidante. Your companion.

But once out of the relationship. It's very rare for an ex to stay in this category. And for good reasons.

For one, if you want to heal from the breakup he can't be your friend you contact for support. You need to break the attachment to him so you can get over him quickly.

Second, your ex can't be your best friend when it comes to your personal life. Particularly, when you start dating again. You may not even broach the subject. But it is something that will be in the back of his mind when you talk about what's happening in your life. Even if he says he's cool with you dating. He'll still get jealous thinking about it.

Conversely, you probably don't want to hear about or think about the new girl he is with.

This was a difficult part of wanting to remain best friends with my ex. I was okay when she told me she was dating again. But when I saw her with a new man. It was gut wrenching.

Lastly, this type of friendship is stressful to maintain. Given the history of your past relationship you will both have higher expectations of what it means to be friends. Such as expecting the other to immediately reply to a call or a text.

So this is a category that you nor your ex would want to be in. Unless, you really think you can handle it (or if your ex just turned gay). But it's very difficult and rare.

However, there are easier and stress free ways to be friends. You just have to bump him down one or two categories.

Category #2: Your Work and Club Friends (Co-Workers, Hobby friends)

These are friends from a company, club, or organization you attend. They are your co-workers, yoga class friends, church friends, school friends, etc.

Sometimes you hang out with these friends but not often.

For example, you'll sometimes hang out with your co-workers after work. Participating in social activities such as bowling, dinner, movies, or maybe invite each other out to parties. But they are not friends you consistently hang out with socially like you would with your girlfriends. And when you talk about your personal life, you don't get into deep personal stuff.

When you leave these places (your job, yoga class, church, etc) and move on to something else. Usually, you still consider them your friends. And may even add them on your Facebook to stay in touch every now and then. But they are far removed from your life.

If you see each other down the road. The conversation is brief. Quickly catching up with current events and then you both go your separate ways.

In your heart, it was nice to see them again. To reconnect for a bit as you recall some old memories and have a few laughs. Then parting ways and wishing each other well.

Likewise, this could be the friend category your ex can fall into.

You have left the old establishment: the relationship. When you leave, you are no longer in contact with each other for months or years as you're doing your own thing. But you still consider him a friend. When you do reconnect sometime in the future, it's only for a quick chat to catch up on things.

When your ex is in this category. Just think about your co-workers or friends that you knew. You often don't stay in touch or hangout but you still consider them your friends.

But even this level of friendship may be too much for some. So perhaps the last category is where your ex fits.

Category #3: Perfect Strangers (Acquaintances)

Have you ever been on vacation when you meet that perfect stranger?

You connect with this person and do some fun adventurous stuff together. Enjoying your vacation as a couple for a few days.

And when the vacation ends you go your separate ways. Exchanging contact information to keep in touch but you don't expect anything serious from it. Knowing it was just for fun.

Still, you consider this perfect stranger a friend. An acquaintance really. Someone with whom you had created a moment with in your short time together. It was amazing. But you have to go back to reality. To live your life again.

You may see them in the future and maybe catch up a bit. Or you may choose to pretend to be strangers. For it was another life that you two lived. And so you smile at each other knowing of the past and move on.

This is my romantic version of it.

But there are perfect strangers that you meet in your life. They become fast friends from the situation you are both in. Or from the commonalities you share. But these strangers go as quickly as they come. Leaving behind a memory of when you formed a bond of friendship.

Personally, I think the perfect strangers category is where your ex should be as a friend.

You shared some wonderful and crazy moments together. It was beautiful, it was sad, and a bit dramatic at times. And after a breakup, you'll want to keep him as friend throughout your life. But over time, as the memories of the relationship fade, the friend label will change and he will become an acquaintance. Someone that you knew. Someone that you dated. Someone that was.

A perfect stranger.

...

So to answer the question: "Should you be friends with your ex boyfriend?"

I say, yes.

If it was an amicable breakup and he's not totally crazy. Then I don't see why not.

My idea of a friend is what Oxford dictionary defines (underline added):

"A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations."

By this definition, it doesn't mean that you always have to be in touch with him. Maybe not at all. But even so, in your heart he remains a friend. And over time as your bonds of friendship will change. You can still think of him as a friend - the perfect strangers sort.

But, maybe, your definition of a friend is completely different than mine. That's okay. Define your own meaning of a friend.

However, if it means not breaking contact at all, then understand that if the breakup was recent it is recommended that you do not stay in contact at first. As you both need some time (usually a few months) to cool off. To heal and accept the breakup.

Only then would you be able to establish a healthy form of friendship.

[Lily]

There's an old, cheesy saying that when your ex lover wants to be friends with you after a breakup, it's either he's still in love with you or he was never in love with you to begin with. While this makes the situation even more complicated and could leave you more confused, there are a number of well-received reasons in society - to which men admit as well - that explain why your former lover would want to keep the ties: this time not with love, but with friendship.

He's not ready to let go.

But he's not ready to jump back into the relationship you two just ended either. He's still in love with you, but he needs a break. But he's not entirely sure if a permanent break would be what he really wants. He wants to keep the communications open, to see you occasionally, and to keep you in his life because he's just not quite ready to let you go. When an ex boyfriend wants to be friends because he's not ready to let you go, you have to be careful. Because you two obviously had reasons for ending the relationship. Being friends (which is, in post-breakup vocabulary, only means the same relationship without the benefit of physical intimacy) can be dangerous territory. Remember that as friends, there is no commitment. And so he can pretty much catch up with you every now and then, be the same sweet guy that he is, and have you falling for him even more deeply, only leave you in the end because the friendship wasn't working for him either. It could be the other way around, of course. It can nurture the bond you two share and actually lead back to a reconciliation.

He's keeping you for casual encounters.

Men can be cruel, we all know that---especially when what they want is sex and just sex. If your relationship ended without a third party, it might take a while for your ex to find a suitable rebound girl. While some men are comfortable paying for sexual services, others are not---and these select males would rather resort to sustaining sexual relations with an ex for many reasons: familiarity, trust, an established bond, pleasure. When an ex boyfriend wants to be friends, you can be positive and think that maybe he is sincere with his approach. But also keep an eye open. He could want to be friends so that he can continue sleeping with you. In that case, your ex is not looking for a simple friend in you. He wants a friend with benefits.

He really does see you as a friend now.

Relating back to the cheesy statement mentioned earlier, your ex boyfriend may not have been in love with you from the very beginning. And because he was never in love with you, it will be easy for him to maintain that level of connection. He feels comfortable having you in his life without the complication of a messy relationship and the demands of commitment and dating. Since he does enjoy your company perhaps, or he truly sees you as a friend that he would love to be a part of his life, then your ex boyfriend would really propose friendship after your relationship dies. In any case, you have to truly consider your ex's personality, use whatever knowledge you have on his background and personality, and listen to your gut: when an ex boyfriend wants to be friends, it could mean a lot of things. Do not be blind to the signs. Keep your heart open, but your eyes more even.