It's been over a year and I still miss my narcissistic ex?

[monicaisanewb]

Hey there. I was 19 when I moved to Los Angeles, something I had always dreamed of doing. There I met my first boyfriend and my first love. I lost my virginity to this guy, he was my first real relationship, so naturally I had no experience with that kind of thing. I always wondered if there was something wrong with me because I never had the desire to date, or had been attracted to, any guy before. But with this guy I suddenly liked him so much I didn't know what to do with these feelings. We started dating for a few months and I loved him so much that it hurt. I'd never felt like this with anybody before. We broke up in June after I got pregnant, and he pressured me into an abortion. I regret the abortion because I didn't do it for the right reasons. I did it to make him happy, and I was so in love with him that I was willing to do anything to make the relationship work. The abortion is the one thing I really regret. I guess I just wished I had done it for the right reasons. For me, and not for him. Maybe if I had made the decision for myself, I might have picked adoption (something my mother did in her youth) He was verbally abusive and when he got into one of his tantrums he would name call and threaten to kick me out of the house (or the car if we were driving while arguing) Finally after having the abortion, I realized what a bad relationship I was in and finally left. He apologized and cried when I broke up with him, and asked if we could still be friends. I told him that I didn't want to be friends because I was so angry at him and at myself for the bad decisions I had made to make him happy. I removed him and blocked him on all social media and returned to my home state. He was narcissistic and made all of my problems about him. When I went through depression and asked him to please wait a week while I go to the doctor and get antidepressants, he took it so personally and ignored me, because he was hurt that my depression was making it hard for me to be around him. When I got pregnant, he immediately made me call planned parenthood and when I considered just thinking about other options, he freaked out and said that he didn't want a child. And I understand that. When the day of the abortion came, at the last minute he decided not to pay for it like he said he would, because he wanted to use the money to buy marijuana because he would be "stressed" from my abortion. Now mind you, he doesn't work. The money he was going to use to pay for it, was his mother's money. I was working as a waitress and making hardly any money to pay for it myself. It was always about my ex. I left him in June of 2016 and it has been over a year with no contact. I have dated other guys and slept with other guys, and yet no guy has ever sparked with me the way my first boyfriend did. I think about him daily, and I go back between hating him and being angry to missing him and wanting to spend time together laughing and goofing off like we used to. I reached out to him once a few weeks ago on facebook telling him how much he hurt me and if he actually understood why I left. He apologized for hurting me and agreed that he was horrible to me and was going to counseling to get help. I told him I was ready to at least be friends again and he said that was fine but felt we shouldn't speak for a while as he didn't want to slip back into old habits. I ended up removing him on social media again because when I think of him and the abortion I get upset again and just want the pain to go away. Yet even after all this, I still think about him all the time and want to find peace and be happy with him again. I'm even having thoughts of reaching out to him yet again and attempt to reconcile the relationship. A big part of me hope that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. Every time I laugh or watch a show I think of how I would enjoy it with him. We talked about how we wanted to experience everything together. I know it's ridiculous to want to get back together especially because we live in different states now. But what can I do to move on and stop thinking so much about this guy?

[Becky]

If it's really over, you must find a way to deal with heartbreak and move on with your life. Let's look at a few ways to get started.

5 Ways to Move On After a Break Up

1. Understand the Timing It's important to remember that heartache is temporary. Have you noticed all the songs on the radio about breakup-induced devastation? Those songs are possible because the songwriter, singer, and fans have all experienced it. We all get over it too. Don't forget this when you begin thinking you'll never get over your ex.

The devastation won't go away overnight, but it will lessen a little bit each day. This is true even for couples who break up after decades of marriage. The heart eventually heals. You just have to accept that the relationship is over, believe in a positive future for yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

2. Treat Yourself Right After a Break Up

No matter how your relationship ended, it's important not to beat yourself up about it. No amount of self-loathing will change things or make you feel better. Just remember that people make mistakes, but mistakes don't make you a bad person.

If you messed up in the relationship, use the time after a break up to consider how to make better choices next time. If you were mistreated by your ex, don't criticize yourself for putting up with it. It's time to move forward, so celebrate yourself for having the courage to do so. Relationships give us amazing opportunities to learn about ourselves and others, so focus on those lessons instead of any negative thoughts that come to mind. After a break up, you must deliberately choose positive thoughts to recover any hits to your self esteem.

3. Accept That's It's Over So You Can Get Over It

To move on after a break up, you must obviously accept that it's over. If you still want to get back with your ex, make sure it is because the relationship is salvageable and not because you just want the heartache to stop. You deserve better than a bad relationship, so don't hold on to something that makes you unhappy.

4. After a Break Up Stop Picking at the Wound

Moving on after a break up means letting go. For good! This can't be done if you refuse to close the door on your past. Think about what happens when you have a cut on your arm. First you stop the bleeding, then protect it from infection. A scab develops and the healing process continues. Eventually, you have a fading scar and you've forgotten all about that old wound. Unless... you refuse to let it heal.

What happens if you remove the Band-aid, pull off the scab, dig in the wound from time to time? You cause more pain, put yourself at risk of infection, thwart the healing process, and end up with an uglier scar. The same is true when dealing with heartache after a break up.

Every time you call your ex, it's like removing the bandage from a healing wound. When you sit around listening to sad music, wondering what your ex is doing, it's like scraping off the scab. Even if you're calling your ex's friends or family, trying to keep a more distant connection going, it's like reopening the wound that's trying to heal. Stalking, texting, following, begging... it's all re-injuring your broken heart. Muster the strength to sever connections to your ex, even when you feel desperate to hold on.

5. Take a Break After a Break Up

After a break up, a new lover can serve as a distraction from the heartache and pain. However, while it feels better, dating so soon is usually a bad decision. For starters, you might confuse feeling better with healing. These are not one in the same. You must properly bemoan a lost love in order to heal; and distracting yourself with a new "love" will only get in the way. You'll push the heartache just below the surface, where it becomes baggage you take into all future relationships. This is why rebound relationships have a high likelihood of failure, and they generally come with compounded pain from the previous lost love. The solution is obvious: Go through the heartache until you come out on the other side. You will, absolutely, survive.

[Olivia]

As women, we have tendencies to develop deep and meaningful relationships with men that are wonderful in the beginning but turn sour in the end. When this happens, you want to get over your ex boyfriend fast so that you can move on and find your true love.

When you first breakup with your ex boyfriend, it's going to hurt. So, accept the fact that it's over and prepare yourself to move on and realize that he was not the one for you. You have already spent a good amount of time and emotional energy on your ex, and at this point, he has blocked you from meeting your true love. Cry it out and if needed, vent to close friends and family that are willing to listen.

The next step is letting your ex boyfriend know exactly how you feel. Write a letter or type an email to your ex boyfriend letting him know how hurt you are about the breakup and what he did wrong or why the relationship went sour, let him know what's on your mind and exactly how you feel. Once you have poured out everything that you are feeling, destroy the letter or email. You can cut it up, burn it or flush it down the toilet. Doing this gives you a feeling of finality - it puts an end to the relationship once and for all.

As you start to feel a little better, the next step in getting over your ex boyfriend fast is to figure out exactly what went wrong. Make a mental note of these mistakes or write them down so that you will not make the same mistakes in your new relationship.

Over the next several days, avoid any contact with your ex boyfriend. No texting, emailing or calling. If you have any loose ends, such as retrieving personal property, have a friend get your belongings from your ex. If you can avoid contact for 30 days, at the end of this time period, there is a good chance that your ex boyfriend will no longer be on your mind.

During this time, reconnect with friends, take a vacation, enjoy your hobbies and work on improving areas of your life that probably have been neglected such as exercising, eating healthy, spiritual growth, and focusing on work.

Take time to become a better person because as I always say, nothing beats getting over an ex boyfriend like looking and feeling your best. As you work on becoming a better you, the memories of your ex boyfriend will surely fade away.

[Anthony]

Many relationships end although both parties want it to continue - whether there is a problem which seems unable to be solved, a disagreement or a rash decision - you may still be able to get him back. Here are some tips and tricks to that may help you get your ex boyfriend back.

Be Honest and Sweet -

Even if you were a total witch before you and your ex-boyfriend broke up, it's important to be very honest and sweet to him now. In fact, you may already realize that acting the way you did was not necessary. Let him know that you still love him, but that you totally accept that the relationship is over. Tell him you simply want him to be happy and that you're there for him any time he needs you. Don't overdo it because you don't want him to think you're desperate - just let it be enough that he really starts to see what he's missing

Give Him His Space -

Once you've let him know how you feel, give him his space. There is nothing more annoying than someone nagging you into a situation when you're going through a rough time. If you constantly beg or nag him to come back, you risk having him do so out of pity for you and that's no basis for a great relationship. You've let him know that you will be there and that's the most you can do. Spend some time focusing on yourself - whether you get a new job, spend some time with the girls, start taking classes for something, etc. Whatever you do, make sure you give your ex-boyfriend time to sort out his feelings and priorities.

Make Him Want You -

Men are suckers for women who are sexy, confident, happy and energetic. Whenever you're around him, be this kind of woman. You don't want to try and be something you're not, but when you display this attitude and demeanor, your ex-boyfriend will really start noticing you even more. Laugh, dance, have a great time and don't spend all your time worried about your ex-boyfriend and the way he feels about you. Soon, you will probably notice that he is attracted to you like never before! This can be one of the best ways to get your ex-boyfriend back once and for all.

Tips -

If your ex-boyfriend does take you back, keep the memories of the pain fresh in your mind every time you start to make one of your signature mistakes. Remember how badly you wanted him back and you will strengthen and preserve your current relationship.

[monicaisanewb]

Thank you so much for the advice, guys. It's time to move on and let go.

[Olivia]

It's time to move on and let go.

You are correct, that's is exactly what you should do.