He says he loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore

[crystalem]

A bit of background: I’ve been with my ex for 1 and a half years. He’s 27 and I’m 29. I’ve been in several relationships and I’m his first. I saw this as a huge red flag but because he was initially so thoughtful and affectionate and we got along great, I dismissed it and fell in love. Having come out of a rocky relationship before him with an emotionally unavailable man, I was slow in our courtship (took us 5 months to be official), as was he because he had moved to the city I’m at (Jackson, MS) a year ago and had thoughts of moving to New Orleans, LA. This caused a bit of pressure in our relationship early on and anxiety on my part. I was comforted when he initially asked if I saw myself settling in Jackson, to which I said no, I would ideally want to move. This was early on though and as our relationship progressed there wasn’t much communication on what would happen if he moved (another source of anxiety). We would fight, about small things typically that would escalate because he would stonewall me a lot. I soon realized our conflict resolution was a mess, he had a huge ego and wasn’t very good at saying sorry or comforting me after fights and thus things would escalate and I would feel even more hurt. To add to that, another thing we would fight about often was our sex life. I’m a highly sexual being and I’m only the second girl he’s been with sexually. He lost his virginity at 25 with a random girl just to lose it. I’m sexually experienced with a high libido. I’ve tried to be patient with him and tried to make him comfortable in all kinds of ways, but he hasn’t extended the same courtesy to me and I’ve often felt rejected and undesired. He thinks sex is not important in a relationship and I do. It’s not because he’s not physically attracted to me either, he’s just really inside his head about it all and doesn’t seem comfortable with sexual things or with his body. I often wonder if it’s a trauma or low testosterone but he isn’t open to exploring those options and gets defensive no matter how I word it. I can’t force him to be open unless he wants to be. This has caused a lot of tension in the past but lately it seems we were on a decent path with a better sex life.

Fast forward to now, he’s decided to stay here for another 3 years to pursue his masters so the pressure of him relocating is gone. We’ve broken up here and there but always get back together fairly quickly and I’ve been very direct in letting my needs known on what I need in a relationship, which is affection and words of affirmation. He’s not affectionate as he was in the beginning and he’s never been very good with words or expressive and sometimes I feel he lacks emotional depth. This makes me feel emotionally disconnected from him but he’s said he would work on it yet it never sticks. Overall, I feel like our relationship is stagnant emotionally. Recently, I thought our relationship was at least improving in the conflict resolution department, we were fighting a lot less and when we did our fights would resolve fairly quickly. I was seeing improvement in that, but other areas were lacking and overall I just felt like he was being lazy with his love by not putting much effort in other than spending time with me (even though when we do spend time together we laugh a lot and are best friends but I still don’t feel like he’s vulnerable with me). I’ve told him that that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship and he either simply didn’t get it or chose not to.

Last weekend we had our first fight where it didn’t resolve quickly like it had been lately and to top it all of it was the night before a long awaited beach trip. It soured the trip and was a complete mess. In our continued fight, he told me that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and that he stayed with me because he wanted to and to see if he could re-ignite those feelings. This really hurt of course and I told him that on one hand it was unfair to me that he didn’t let me know and that if he wasn’t putting any effort into the relationship it’s even less likely those feelings would return. I’m very confused right now and don’t even know if I could get over someone telling me that because as much as I would try it would be in the back of my mind.

Even after the fight, we semi-reconciled, re-conciled as in eased some of the tension and continued hanging out through the night and having a somewhat pleasant evening but I went on to later say that I needed some space after all of what was said during the argument. He said that he deeply regretted the things he said and that he just wanted to make me happy(which he doesn’t say very often) but I was still very hurt. He agreed the space was a good idea which kind of bothered me because I wanted him to fight for our relationship but I digress because ultimately I knew space was necessary. I ended up staying the night and the next morning he gave me the usual hug and said I love you before he went to work, he then texted me asking me how I was feeling to which I didn’t respond. I did leave him a letter explaining to him how I was feeling though. I didn’t think he would respond so soon and he ended up texting me when he got home from work and basically said that he didn’t know that I’d been so hurt by him by the things he hadn’t been doing until this weekend that we fought (even though I’ve been very direct on my needs). He then proceeded to tell me that he deserved a little more credit than what I gave him in the letter but that that wasn’t the point and said that there a lot of other guys that could hurt me much more than he has and that hopefully I wouldn’t end up with one of those types. He ended his text by saying that maybe we would bump into each other like they did in the last movie we watched together (the breakup, comical, I know). I was strictly just going to go No Contact for a while but the comment about there being other guys that could hurt me worse irritated me so badly. I told him that it wasn’t necessary to say that and that those men had no room in our conversation because they were irrelevant, it only matters how he treats me and how you don’t get brownie points for not being the worst of the worst but you get brownie points for actually treating someone well. Other stuff was said, but it ultimately ended on him saying he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me and that he just didn’t know what to say right then and wanted to make that clear. I left it at that and stopped communication.

Overall, I don’t think it helps that he is a commitment phobe, is inexperienced, not the best communicator, and that the rocky middle caused him to doubt us so much that it made his feelings change. I’ve asked him what he thought being in love was and he said it was giving up everything for that person to which I replied that that wasn’t a very healthy way to view it. In my mind, you don’t give up everything for someone, you wouldn’t expect someone you love to do that, even if you do sacrifice certain things, but never who you are. I’ve also asked him what he looks for in an ideal partner to which he replied a lot of characteristics that I fulfill and has told me so, yet it seems he thinks love is an unhealthy notion and a constant “in love” feeling and commitment is scary. I told him “the one” is the person you have various different types of chemistry with but also who you put effort into, and love can’t sustain itself on air.

Our last contact was Monday after he texted me in response to the letter, that is until he texted me Wednesday saying that he missed me. I haven’t responded but of course I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want him to tell me he wants to work on our relationship and be a bit more expressive than that. I only ended things to prove that I’m not going to put up with lack of affection(I typically have to ask for it other than the hug when I first see him) and expression if he wants to be with me, because lately I feel like he’s taking me for granted and just being lazy with his love. I just want him to step up and be consistent because other than that we are best friends and are always laughing when we are together. If he truly wanted to work on things, I’d be up for it as well but I don’t know if it’s my job to say anything since technically I would be considered the “dumper” /the one that needed space. I just don’t want to chase him, and want him to realize what he had and any time we’ve broken up it’s only for 2 to 3 days, and I feel that’s not enough time for someone to really get the effect of you being gone and getting their feelings and thoughts in order.
Should I have responded to his I miss you text to get the ball rolling or am I doing well in having ignored it? I wanted to maybe say “I’m not trying to ignore you btw” and see what he says to that, but he might just ignore it too. Should I just leave it alone for now?

Highly confused, any thoughts/suggestions appreciated.

[Jane]

Typically when a boyfriend says he loves you, but is not in love, he is missing the emotional connection that was alive and well early in the relationship. This was when the two of you devoted the majority of your time to each other. He loved being the center of your attention. If that has changed now, he's likely feeling the effects of that. He may feel disconnected from you and that is leading him to feel as though he's fallen out of love. Spending more one-on-one time with him is a very effective first step to rebuilding the relationship. Plan a date night. Do this regularly and when you two are alone, focus on him. Don't let your mind wander away to anything else. Just give him your full and undivided attention.

Another thing you need to be doing if your boyfriend says he loves you but isn't in love with you anymore is to consider how you've changed since the relationship. Remember the woman he fell in love with initially. If you've changed a great deal, it may be time to rethink those changes. Men fall in love and stay in love with women who are multi-faceted. Your boyfriend wants you to have interests outside of the house. He wants to be in a relationship with someone who is dynamic and interesting. If you've given up your career in favor of being a stay at home, now may be the time to take some online classes or pursue your hobby. Show your boyfriend that you're still very much the woman he asked to date him. Sometimes men just need a small reminder of what they already have.

[crystalem]

Thank you for your input. I feel like I'm the same woman he fell in love with. I give him effort and love and attention and look for ways for us to have different experiences together all while respecting when he needs his space. I still devote time to other friendships outside of him and work on my fitness and pursue my other hobbies. My career might need some work but it's not for a lack of trying. I try to not bring anxiety into the relationship either. I'm just at a loss.

[David]

Why Commitment And Love Don't Always Go Hand In Hand. Why It's Possible That He Is Telling The Truth: I firmly believe that men can passionately and desperately love a woman and still be reluctant to commit to her. Often, it is their head that is contributing to their lack of commitment, not their heart. In fact, often their heart is telling them one thing while their head (or their friends) is telling them another.

Men often get societal cues that tell them that desirable men don't really need to settle down. Or that men who settle down may as well sign onto a life of quiet desperation with an old ball and chain. This is absolutely ridiculous of course, but the cues are there. Sometimes a man is made to believe that no matter how wonderful his girlfriend is, the second he marries her, his life will suddenly become boring or he will only get run of the mill sex on a very sporadic basis. You know this isn't true. And he often knows (at least somewhere deep down) that this isn't true. But the cues are often strong enough to make him hesitate when he thinks about commitment. He hesitates, but he really doesn't want to break things off because he is telling you the truth when he says that he DOES love you.

So, If You Believe He Loves You, But You Want A Commitment, What Do You Do?: Women often ask me if they should give up on a man who won't commit. If you love him and you know that he is the man for you, why on earth would you give up? Especially if you haven't yet tried different things to improve you situation.

Now, when I say "tried things," I don't mean giving ultimatums or making threats. I'm not even talking about trying to make him jealous or hinting that you might just get tired of waiting. I'm talking about working through this like mature adults who are in love and who should be together once they get over a tiny little obstacle. If you take nothing else from this article, please remember not to play games and not to try to manipulate the man you love. This may work just a touch for a slight while, but it never lasts and he will resent you for it.

You want a healthy marriage, right? You don't want to have to continue to manipulate him to make him happy about marrying you. Instead, you want him all in because that's exactly where he wants to be. So no, I don't think you should give up. Instead, I think you should begin looking for clues as to why he is hesitant and actually dealing with the core issues rather than tap dancing around them and trying to manipulate him. Because it is very probable that he does love you, but in order for him to commit, you must remove his doubts.

[crystalem]

This makes sense, I feel like he is a more logical person in a sense, coming from a engineer background and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think his fear of commitment is at least somewhat contributing to his doubts.

This makes a lot sense, thank you so much for your input. I'm not sure if the right decision is to get back with him or try to work things out as I'm not sure how out of my head I can get in order to make it work. I know I would need to let things go in order to do any real improvement and I'm still trying to sort those feelings out while maintaining no contact with him.

Let's say we do decide to get back together though, what are some good ways to ask him why he is hesitant? The last thing I want to do is manipulate him, I only want him if he wants to be in it too, I would never force anyone to give me anything they don't want to give me themselves.

Again, thank you.