Relationship

[vikas]

Hi everyone , I Want to share my story with you. I just need true advice. 7 months ago, i joined my first job n there a girl also joined with me n we soon became very good friends. we came too close n I started having feelings for her which i shared with her. I feel she was also into me. Actually she was already in a long distance relationship with a guy who happens to be her neighbor.They are in relationship for last 5 years n their family has no clue about it. when i was with her, she enjoyed it with me n we had many close moments.I heard they used to have fights because of me on a regular basis. Since i truly loved her, i decided to step aside as i did not want her to be sad because of me. I left my job n decided to leave the city. I did not tell her the right reason of why was i leaving. She did cry a lot. But i had to do it. This all happened within 3 months. When i went to this new city, we used to talk a lot on phone on regular basis. But slowly due to my personal problems, i used to get angry n i shouted at her many times over phone. In the meantime she met with her boyfriend 2 times where they had fights because of me. She used to share everything with me. She has got a new friend in her company. we both did not like him initially. But they became good friends as she was alone after i had left her. They have things in common as both are from same hometown. That guy has a girlfriend and this friend of mine thinks he will not hit on her as he z already committed. It was her birthday on 18th dec. we talked very well on phone. By then i had realised that i can't live without her and i decided to return back. I told her that i was coming back. She was excited at first. But on her boyfriend came to visit her for 3 days and i did not contact her during these days as it would have caused problems for her. but when we talked on 23rd dec. she seemed somewhat changed. we had a fight in the evening.After that she blocked my no. I tried to say sorry to her but she said she cant handle my rash behaviour anymore n she had decided to not talk to me. But we still continued to talk on whatsapp.When i reached on 1st jan, she was changed n did not talk to me much. As soon as i left her place that day, She blocked me on whatsapp and facebook also. I could not understand anything. many of my friends tried talking to her to sort out things. Her that friend at work talked to me on her behalf that she did not want to talk to me as it was ruining her relationship. I just wanted to talk to her in alone to know things better but she is not ready to meet me. I can't call her. I tried calling her from telephone booths but she says that as i like her so she can not talk to me. I don't know why is she doing it all n so suddenly. I am leaving this city tomorrow and when i called to inform her she just said OK n cut my call in between and blocked that no. also. What shall i do now. I know i love her and she knows it too. any advice??

[Mabel]

The way in which you approach her about avoiding you and what you say at this point will make all the difference between smoothing things over or making things worse. More importantly, what you say is not even as critical as the method in which you relay your message to her.

"What have I done wrong? Why is my girl not talking to me?" If you are asking yourself questions like this, then fixing the problem is already going to take more than a simple apology, as you might have already guessed. After all, apparently you don't even know what you may have done to upset your girlfriend, therefore you don't know what to apologize for. You could try giving her a generic "I'm sorry." Chances are, however, something like that simply isn't going to cut it. Besides, apologizing repeatedly for anything and everything often shows your girlfriend that you are desperate, and it will do little to resolve your differences anyway.

Since you don't necessarily know the right thing to say to your girlfriend in order to get her talking to you again, your focus should be on how to get the most impact out of whatever you do say. How can you make the biggest impact on your girlfriend's emotions? How do you ensure she reads or hears your message? Put simply, you'll want to use an atypical means of communication altogether. Let me explain.

There is a concept in advertising that is commonly referred to as "ad blindness." Essentially, what the concept means is that a person sometimes mentally "blocks" out an advertisement after having seen that same ad over and over again. Most advertisers understand this concept, so they change the details of their advertisement accordingly. They'll use different colors, different text, or even change the advertising medium completely from time to time.

Let's think about communication between you and your girlfriend in the same manner for a second. If your girlfriend is used to seeing texts or your number showing up on her caller ID, then she may be mentally "blocking" you out in much the same way that an individual would "block" an advert that has been seen repeatedly over time. The question then is how can you avoid this "ad blindness" concept in your communication with her?

Living in the digital age that we do, you most likely communicate most often with your girlfriend through text messages, phone calls, and e-mail. Any typical form of communication is one that you'll want to avoid, of course. Instead, I would suggest that you try a hand-written letter. Mailing a letter written in your own handwriting works well for two reasons. The most obvious reason is how little that form of communication is used in this day and age. Since it will likely be unusual to your girlfriend, it will demand more of her attention. The second reason is that a hand-written letter generally takes more time and thought, showing her that what you have to say is that much more important.

Again, figuring out the right words to get your girlfriend to talk when she's avoiding contact with you can be difficult. So, be sure that when you find the right words, you use the right method of delivery to ensure that your message gets your girlfriend's undivided attention.

[Damian]

If your girlfriend has suddenly dropped out of sight and you haven't heard a word from her, think back to the last time the two of you did talk. Chances are very good that you both left things on difficult terms. Sometimes an argument can get so out of hand that one person storms out and if two strong personalities are involved, each may decide to wait for the other to make the first post conflict move. Your girlfriend may simply be simmering down from the verbal sparring match you two had. If that's the case my best suggestion is to wait at least a few days for her to sort through her feelings. Trying to get her to talk before she's ready will probably just cause more friction and misunderstanding and you'll be right back to where you started with her ignoring you.

If her silence has been more of a gradual thing, that needs to be handled in quite a different way. When a woman pulls back slowly from the man she's involved with it's because she feels there's an emotional distance there. Just as some men don't want to deal with the emotional ramifications of a confrontation about what's missing from the relationship or what's wrong with the connection, women don't enjoy that either. Your girlfriend may feel that by slipping into the ether she'll be saving you from the heartbreak you surely would feel if she boldly told you that she's just not that into you anymore. You may view this as a cowardly way to end a relationship but if you're an emotional guy it may be that she sees it as her only way to get out emotionally unscathed.

In any case, you can't just allow the woman you love to disappear without at least trying to understand her reasoning. Don't make the mistake of approaching her with the attitude that you had no idea she wasn't happy or satisfied. Her silence is indication enough that she's not getting what she needs from you anymore. Tell her that you know that she's not feeling the way she used to and you just want to understand. Don't get defensive and don't try to explain anything at this time. This is her opportunity to share what she is experiencing and what she feels is lacking. If you handle this conversation from a place of understanding and compassion, she'll see that you really do want to hear what she has to say and you want to learn from it.

Reacting negatively when your girlfriend stops talking to you is the quickest route towards a painful break up with her. This is the woman you adore so show her that's what you feel. If you reach out to her and give her the support she needs to be honest with you about what she's currently feeling, she'll open up and the deafening silence will be replaced with honest and understanding.